Yours to Choose

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Here’s a choice
pick this or choose to reboot
it will affect you
for awhile

influence your life
and maybe your
goals, dreams

But my gut says no
though I will wonder
“what-if:

that maybe it’ll be
better
than the other choice

but I don’t know
cannot know

Standing at crossroads
“it’s yours to choose”
I know

Mulling will only make it
longer
I know that too

But I don’t want to dive
into this
it’s like picking a horse
to keep for awhile

making sure it’s
sound, safe and you don’t
hate each other
(even better if you like
one another)

but most of all
is the right one
for you

Just a quick poem reflecting some of the overriding thoughts in my life right now (yes, it’s purposely sort of vague. If you personally know me, you may know what exactly what it’s referring to). No, I’m sadly not buying a horse though.  And if I ever buy a unicorn horse (as unlikely that seems right now), unless I am buying a horse I leased…I have a feeling it will take forever too.

Chain of Decisions

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I don’t really like decisions.  What paths to take and which directions to go are one thing. But the outcomes of those paths and potential repercussions are so much more. Who is to know how one path can be better than the other if one has not travelled on both, waltzed along on both and seen the endings and forks they lead to? But no one knows that. No one can see all the potential universes of  “may-bes”, “could-bes” and “what-ifs” .  All we can do from our place in the universe is to turn around and look at where we have been and what was.  We can look at what we have done with hindsight or amazement or both. We can look all the way into the beginning of the universe – back to the start of time as we know it (or at least the early universe anyway – so shortly after the beginning of time, ignoring all the other possibilities for now).

This is where we are from. This is where we are now. But the future? It seems to be untouchable, inconceivable. It also seems so far away even though it’s much closer than the incredibly distant ancient stars, now dead but so far that they are still shining to our telescopes.

But here I am. And here I will be soon. Gazing at the paths that stretch and fork endlessly into the barren distance.  Still, I don’t know where I should go, what should I choose or where should I be.  Or where I will be – regardless if it was right or wrong or somewhere in the “meh” middle.

Even at age seven (or maybe eight), I thought about how every action is linked to another and what would happened if I did just one action in the chain differently.  It was long before I learned about alternate universities and such (I think? Maybe I subconsciously learned the concept then…who knows?), but still, a part of the young me  wondered how many different directions could I go, just from the choice of one action earlier in the day. I then thought about all the other actions in my day. Then I concluded that the possibilities resulting from a choice of every decision would be incredible and stopped thinking about it before my little mind got a headache.

Weird nerdy kid? Yeah, I probably was. I thought that during lunchtime in the lunch room. Weird mind games is what you do if you have little connection to others in the world you live in.

The chain of decisions is incredible, inextricably linked, forever bonded, entangled and entwined – one to the other and the other and the other. Of course it’s not the Great Chain of Being per se, but I can totally see how people could come up with that.  It’s impossible to isolate things and everything is some sort of response to or a result, directly or indirectly of a previous decision – good or bad, intentional or unintentional, major or minor, your own decision or someone else’s (or both).

To choose this or that. I hesitate, and think, overthink – about the endless webs of paths and the implications for today and tomorrow, simultaneously filling me with awe and horror.   “I don’t know” I mumble.

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I don’t know.”

And I really don’t know – not really. I know sometimes you have to trust what you want, even though it feels that you’re about to fall into the dark oblivion. Sometimes, one has just act with the burning faith and hope it burns brightly enough that you won’t get lost or lose yourself completely.  But it’s hard. It’s easier to pace at the fork of paths – milling and mulling, doing everything but going forward. I know fear shouldn’t be the deciding factor…but it is. Oh it is, indeed. The fear of making the wrong decision. The fear of going down creating a link to a chain that you should rather not have and down a road you shouldn’t have taken.  And finally, the fear of the unknown.

In other words, I don’t know…or sometimes, I do know but I don’t trust myself enough to believe it, always questioning.

It’s just easier not to know, I suppose. It’s easier not to boldly choose a path and then wonder why you went down it many steps later or come running back to where you first came, if that is at all possible. Moreover, it’s safer not to know. It’s easier at least.

But doing nothing doesn’t get you anywhere. I would still inhabit the same space of nothingness as the world spins furiously around me. That I do know.

I don’t want that nothingness. I’m tired of stagnancy.

But I also don’t want to leap haphazardly into something that I don’t feel is right, that I keep questioning and I somehow feel that it isn’t really where I should go.  That it isn’t the right door. That the right doors will come later. Maybe. Or maybe not. (For some reason, the doors are red in my head. I’m not sure why.)

Arrgh. Decisions, decisions….

Analysis paralysis indeed.

They took away the OED!

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Um yeah. My local public library (Vancouver Public Library which is not small either) no longer provides access to the Oxford English Dictionary and I am incredibly miffed.  It’s really important that people have access to an excellent, authoritative dictionary and now that’s gone to the public around here.

Ugh. You all suck.  Not cool. Not cool.

I assume it was due to funding issues.

Oh – and me.  I don’t like American Dictionaries. I’m not sure why but I don’t feel that it’s right or something. (And I’m Canadian, so my English is more similar to American English.)

That said, I still have access to the OED as a university student…but I won’t after I graduate (obviously).

The OED at least sounds so much more authoritative then say…dictionary.com….

Freeforming and Freeroaming

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I am a wander, wandering
alone, back and forth
around, to and fro
oblivious to this world,
lost in my own
thoughts, dreams and things
that escape this reality

But people don’t like this
think it’s odd
think it’s strange
think it’s weird

People don’t like things that are
unright
but not wrong, just unright
unconforming,
and instead –
freeforming and freeroaming

“Are you okay?”
“Are you alright?”
“Are you lost?”

I am okay
I am alright
I am still here
and I will wander about
under the trees where
I walk, bolt, prance
out of this world and into my own
where everything is better than fine

(Though I really wish you
annoying people weren’t here
and that you don’t bug me
and if you would please kindly
consider shutting the hell up
and getting yourself far away
instead of trying to elicit
a reaction from me)

Inspired by last evening’s wander. (“Are you okay?” Giggles. “I don’t get it, she just walks around…”). Sigh. Some days, I’m not sure how much longer I can stand living here. Ugh. And yeah,  I may have made up a word in this poem…sort of but not really.  Freeform is a word, it’s just that maybe freeforming isn’t? (According to dictionary.com) Anyway, I like it so I’m using it.

Unspoken Distance

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I’m an adult now. No longer a child. I am about to start my final year of university (undergrad). Why then, does everything seems so far away? Why does it seems that everything is so far out, so far in the distance? Why does it seem like it’s impossible to get there?

Distance. That kind be a description between me and the world. I keep my distance from other people. They don’t exist. Not really, as far as I’m concerned – they’re not interactive objects.

I’m used to this.  As a child, I would escape the chaos of the main room of the after-school centre  by staying in the “quiet room”, reading. Or quietly drawing, making up stories and generally looking busy so no one would bother me. I kept my distance from the other children. I don’t remember why but I always kept my distance or at least I have for a long time.

Like an wild animal (or a not so wild animal, as the case may be) I flee at the sound, sight, feeling of approach, vowing to keep my distance. Keep away. Keep a watchful eye.  But above all,  keep away.

“Are you okay?”

Yes. No. I don’t know. I am wild, untamed. Darting away into the distance, where I feel safe and far away from people I don’t know or am not close to.  I am distant to most people, always keeping my distance and never really present. I guess can’t blame them for not knowing me, since I’ve never really showed them me (other than the deer-in-the-headlights side of me). I’ve always kept my distance because that’s what feels safe.

But the distance between me and everyone else has widened. So has the distance between me and my dreams. Everything feels so far, unreachable.

I don’t know how I’m going to cross the endless distance between me and society, or if I’ll ever. Everything feels so far away, close to enough to imagine but impossible to touch.

I don’t know if I’ll ever reach my dreams, shimmering out there light-years away.  Stars are huge, just like dreams. But here, grounded on earth, so far away they appear as tiny little specks, flickering in the atmosphere.  The actual star may not even be there anymore, but the light lingers for years to come, highlighting the distance between us and the stars. Because even given enough distance, even travelling at the speed of light seems slow.

Given enough distance, everyone is faraway, impossible to interact with – even though they are just footsteps away. But I cannot say a word. The distance – literal and figurative stretches on. We’re too far off in different worlds, too distant to interact. I’m too distant to belong, because even though people may be just around me – they might as well be on the moon as far as I’m concerned.

I wander in the close distance, unspeaking but not wordless. Far. Too far, to say a word. We might as well be from different galaxies.

The Lonely Cloud

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That lonely cloud
floats listlessly in the sky
alone
with no one else
like him

Floating without direction
no reason or place
alone
with no one that
seems to really care

He doesn’t search for
more clouds though they may be
alone
because he knows he’s
not like them

Other clouds may crowd the sky
overcasting it, but our cloud still feels
alone
lost amongst the crowd which he has
no connection to

It’s hard to say if he’s lonely or not
since he has gotten used to floating
alone
but it would be hard to say that
he’s truly happy too

So he floats along
past the dancing daffodils,
laughing, golden in their bliss
past the road winding its way
to the unreachable horizon
past the forests and the seas,
where everything has their place

Finally, he drifts
around  the lonely earth, spinning in space,
for all her neighbourly planets
are unlike her

Just a quick poem for fun. I will be writing a fuller post soon.

People Watching

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Some may say I am not interested in people in general. Sort of true, but not really.

I am not interested in the following

  1. Greeting people
  2. Introducing myself
  3. Talking to strangers about random things that don’t matter
  4. Sugarcoating things
  5. “Being nice” purely for the sake of “being nice”
  6. Remembering and engaging in “manners”
  7. Answering greetings
  8. Having people look at me
  9. Looking people in the eye (besides for most animals it’s a threat)
  10. Interacting with strangers unless I’m on a mission
  11. Getting confused in social situations (it doesn’t have to take much for it all to go south as far as I’m concerned…)
  12. Engaging in social norms

Um, yeah so I’m not interested in interacting with people. But studying them can be interesting. What they say. What they do. And how my life is decidedly bland but that’s okay because socializing is a waste of time anyway (or so I think).

When I watch people or eavesdrop on them, I think of them as either characters and definitely a separate sort of being then me.  They are animals. I hate it when people go “oh we’re not animals”. Yes you are. Unless you are a plant or something, you are probably an animal.  Pick up your stupid homo-sapien ego and put the damn thing away. Until you either a) become some sort of bionic creature and/or b) ascend to energy based existence, you are indeed an animal. So suck it up.

The people chat idly, talking about this or that. But they are in a different existence than me.

When I was at school, I saw groups of friends sitting together – talking, laughing. Bonded.  Even at the barn I would witness this. The easy-going friendship and bond that people have with each other. I never understood how this worked or happened though. How everyone around me would bond with each other while look on, alone. I’m not even sure how this begins. It’s a realm almost unfathomable to me – foreign and unknown. I know about that world. From people watching. Books. Documentaries. TV. Movies.  The Internet (forums, blogs, social media). But that’s all I know.

I haven’t made a new friend since I was eleven years old.  But I’m okay with that now. I barely remembered what close friends were like. I laugh when people assume that I have friends. Yes, plural and probably presumably close.  But I don’t. Maybe I have a distant friend or two but otherwise, no. But I’ve never really socialized with peers that much.  Why would I? They never understood me. Ever. I never really understood them. Ever.

It’s easy to say if I talked to them, then maybe I’ll have friends. Not so fast – I talked to peers when I was a young child. However the only conversation I seemed to remember in detail went something like this:

Note: I had a weird haircut which was really short but with a long “tail” at the back during that year

Girl: Oh so you’re a girl!
Me: Yeah.
Girl: Oh I couldn’t tell with you hair.
Me thinking…you could have asked me?

So yes, I interacted but no, I didn’t have have friends. I think they all thought I was too weird or something. Whatever it wasn’t it didn’t jive and still doesn’t jive with me.

But people watching is way more interesting then interacting anyway – or at least, it’s easier.  And it’s interesting…enough that I once missed my bus stop because I was too busy eavesdropping!

But that’s the only “real” way I know about people. I don’t interact with them enough to know stuff. Besides, most of the stuff I know about friendships and relationships are from fiction anyway.

Untrusting Prey

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I am a prey animal. I fully admit it. I’m always high on alert for possible danger and feel like I’m ready to hightail it if things get iffy. I do not want to be approached. I perceive being approached as a threat, and so I flee.

Only it doesn’t work. I’m not fast enough. Not agile enough. Not strong enough. And I know this.

So I desperately hope that no one will be prey on me.

A strange thing happened today. People tease me, that’s nothing new. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened often but it has happened. So I was wandering around and from quite away back were a group of guys that I stayed carefully far away from.  Then a big guy yelled “excuse me!” to get my attention. I looked back briefly and nervously. He started following me as I watched my back. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t know what he’ll do. Then he lifted up his shirt and started shaking his floppy belly. I fled, even though I know he could catch me if he wanted to. I fled. Then I went WTF?

I don’t trust people. I don’t particularly like people.

I don’t know how my grandma thinks lecturing me on not answering doors or phones (which I refuse to do anyway) and the bad people on the world will help me like people any more. It’s sort of hypocritical – expecting me to both trust and not trust strangers.  I don’t know how this lecture helps me. It only makes my I guess social phobia, even worse.  It gives me even more reasons not to interact with the world and hate people (as a species).

I am directly untrusting. And perhaps indirectly trusting at the same time. I know it’s weird.

But I am definitely a prey creature. Small, nimble, skittish. I would be the one to hide in the woods, if there was a wood. It’s not just humans. I’m wary of dogs running towards me. And no, I don’t like horses charging towards me either (not that they ever do, since they rarely come to me).

All I can say, I do hope that the teasing thing will stay an isolated incident.  I also think I need to find more normal hobby eventually (maybe hiking and/or trail running) because I’m getting sick of all the weird looks and increasingly uncomfortable with some of the people who want to pick on me or get my attention as I wander around the block.

Maybe this why I love trails. It’s usually relatively quiet, it can go on for quite a ways, no one thinks you’re weird or lost when you wandering or running alone them and when you get tired, you can look up around you and be in awe of the environment around you.  Also, since it goes somewhere, it’s less boring. Not to mention, it doesn’t have the city hazards and annoyances of busy streets, trashy smells and such. Also, it seems the only way I can get a decent sleep at a decent time is by doing a long hike….otherwise not so much.

I love the forest. I love the smell of it too. (I also wondered if pine sap was edible..since I seemed to be attracted to the smell, I would end up with sticky hands afterwards. It might be…since I’m sure I licked a bit off my hand and I’m still alive. Dumb, I know but the tree was on school property so…). I love the sound of the forest if only all the annoying machinery and shrieking children would all just shut up.

Whatever the case, I’m much more prey then predator.  Maybe that’s why I suck so much at catching horses that don’t want to be caught.

Ten Years

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A decade has passed, from when I finished elementary school (grade 7 in my area) and went into high school and when I first started riding horses. They are milestones that seem so distant to me now but were once new things.

Ten years. So much has changed.  And maybe some things haven’t (I think several of my shirts still fit from then…and I still wear at least one of them).

Ten years ago, I was twelve years old.

I look back to that time. It was the beginning of the world of school and some horses. A world that I still inhabit in some ways, abeit differently.

But what strikes me the most is the difference of optimism.

Ten years ago, everything seemed possible in some way – I was introduced to the world at my fingertips. Well, I wasn’t sure about school back then. Ironically, that turned out to be the least of my struggles.

I thought everything was possible…eventually. I truly did think that I could become a fabulous talented rider. Maybe I could be some sort of horse whisperer or trainer. But most of all, I would have a horse friend of my own – like all those horse books. And I truly did think that I would one day own a horse. One day, perhaps in a few years…..and I truly believed it that one day it will happen, somehow.

But now it’s ten years later. Owning a horse or pony (or whatever equid) seems as mythical as owning a unicorn. It’s just a myth, an impossibility. Being an “amazing rider” and horse whisperer has also become a myth as I have discovered I personally sort of suck with all aspects of horses from barn chores to handling to riding (or so I think).  What I thought would bring me happiness, brought me envy as it just became another thing that I would not move forward in. Just another thing that I would unable to be or feel not good enough.

I’m not sure what to do anymore. In anything. I’m not sure what I’m good at, even though I know what I’m not good at.

But the real issue is that now ten years later, my dreams have fallen and are now dragging on the ground. I’m not sure what to believe anymore. I’m almost afraid to be optimistic, in fear of more disappointment. I am drowning in cynicism and apathy. I am screaming words of nothing. I am running into walls.  I’m not even sure what I want anymore. I just know know that I don’t want my life the way it is now. It’s too bland. Too out of place.

What do I want? What do I  really want? And what is actually possible, achievable?

Ten years ago, I had little friends.

This hasn’t changed, if only I have even less now. I certainly didn’t gain any. Not really.

As for my life, that too now feels like an impossibility. I’m not sure how I’m going to do anything or sometimes what.

I close my eyes and in the distance, shrouded in the fog are my dreams. They never left me, not really. But they are hidden, elusive to me. I’m not sure what to do with them anymore. They are untouchable, mythical.

Ten years. What would life be like in another ten years?

I don’t know. I can barely see myself in a year, let alone ten.

I hope it’ll be better because to be honest, the last ten years sucked. Sure, there were good moments, but the last few years sucked.

I Don’t Know Anything At All

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Well, I do know some things obviously.  But when it comes to things that really matter, I don’t know anything at all.

What do I want? What do I really want out of life? Is it happiness? Contentment? Purpose? Passion? Success? Friendship (whatever that is)? Love (whatever the hell that is)? Wealth? Recognition? Is it a combination of these things?

What parts of myself should I cling to and which parts should I shed away? Which parts are important enough for me to cling to and beleive in, no matter what? What parts do I don’t really need and can (or should) let go? How much would I have to shed to unbecome me? I don’t want to unbecome me. I don’t want to become a stranger to myself (even though I barely know who I am).

And who am I anyway? What am I to be? What am I good at? What is my purpose?

What is life about anyway? Is it about “success” and money? Is it about fame and recognition? Is about what is right, whatever that is? Is it about harmony? Is it about this or that? Is it really about the journey? If so, why are we so hellbent on the endpoint?

What about the universe (multiverse?) in its breathless glory? Is it for us to know? Are we irrelevant things on a piece of rock in this universe? If there are multiple universes and multiple versions of me – what are the other mes doing now?

I look to my paths ahead of me. They stretch endlessly into the barren landscape. I don’t know where they lead and I don’t know how long they are or how rugged the terrain is or how unpredictable the weather.  It could lead me off to a cliff for all I know.

But what am I good at?  What am I great at? Where could I find success?  What is my passion?

I once thought I knew what my passion was but that soon fell apart in a way as I discovered I sucked at it. So what now?

I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life.  I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with people either. So foreign that unknown human interaction is to my isolated self that I’m not sure how to react. I hate introductions (hokey things that don’t make sense). Some manners take a back seat (more hokey things that just waste time and complicate matters). And there are times that I just don’t know what to do with things human things…so I do what many creatures do – flee. I hate talking on phones (I can’t see the person and I have no idea what the person really wants).  I also do alleged weird things. Sometimes, I want to become some sort of invisible spirit. But I really don’t know how I’m going to deal with that, short of becoming a hermit.

Most of all, how do I belong in this world?

And then there’s the sliding scale of idealism to optimism, realism to cynicism.  Can I really believe in my dreams? Wouldn’t it lead to more disappointment? I’m a pessimist now. I find it safer that way. Find it safer to do what you never thought you could achieve rather than fail what you hoped to achieve.  But is it right?

What kind of legacy do I want to leave behind? What do I want to be remembered for, be proud of? Or is it anything at all? I don’t have to change the world per se but still, it’ll be nice to think about changing some worlds, at least.

But how would I know any of these things?

What to do? What to be? What I want? What is life? What do I want out of life?

Everything changes. Everything may be totally different in the many years to come. It may be good, it may be bad. I don’t know. It could be everything like I imagined, it could be nothing like I imagined. And this could be good or bad.

I wander, alone, lost in the fog. The fog is misty, mysterious and in a strange way, beautiful.

I don’t know anything. I don’t know anything at all.