Well, I do know some things obviously. But when it comes to things that really matter, I don’t know anything at all.
What do I want? What do I really want out of life? Is it happiness? Contentment? Purpose? Passion? Success? Friendship (whatever that is)? Love (whatever the hell that is)? Wealth? Recognition? Is it a combination of these things?
What parts of myself should I cling to and which parts should I shed away? Which parts are important enough for me to cling to and beleive in, no matter what? What parts do I don’t really need and can (or should) let go? How much would I have to shed to unbecome me? I don’t want to unbecome me. I don’t want to become a stranger to myself (even though I barely know who I am).
And who am I anyway? What am I to be? What am I good at? What is my purpose?
What is life about anyway? Is it about “success” and money? Is it about fame and recognition? Is about what is right, whatever that is? Is it about harmony? Is it about this or that? Is it really about the journey? If so, why are we so hellbent on the endpoint?
What about the universe (multiverse?) in its breathless glory? Is it for us to know? Are we irrelevant things on a piece of rock in this universe? If there are multiple universes and multiple versions of me – what are the other mes doing now?
I look to my paths ahead of me. They stretch endlessly into the barren landscape. I don’t know where they lead and I don’t know how long they are or how rugged the terrain is or how unpredictable the weather. It could lead me off to a cliff for all I know.
But what am I good at? What am I great at? Where could I find success? What is my passion?
I once thought I knew what my passion was but that soon fell apart in a way as I discovered I sucked at it. So what now?
I’m not sure what I’m going to do with my life. I’m not sure how I’m going to deal with people either. So foreign that unknown human interaction is to my isolated self that I’m not sure how to react. I hate introductions (hokey things that don’t make sense). Some manners take a back seat (more hokey things that just waste time and complicate matters). And there are times that I just don’t know what to do with things human things…so I do what many creatures do – flee. I hate talking on phones (I can’t see the person and I have no idea what the person really wants). I also do alleged weird things. Sometimes, I want to become some sort of invisible spirit. But I really don’t know how I’m going to deal with that, short of becoming a hermit.
Most of all, how do I belong in this world?
And then there’s the sliding scale of idealism to optimism, realism to cynicism. Can I really believe in my dreams? Wouldn’t it lead to more disappointment? I’m a pessimist now. I find it safer that way. Find it safer to do what you never thought you could achieve rather than fail what you hoped to achieve. But is it right?
What kind of legacy do I want to leave behind? What do I want to be remembered for, be proud of? Or is it anything at all? I don’t have to change the world per se but still, it’ll be nice to think about changing some worlds, at least.
But how would I know any of these things?
What to do? What to be? What I want? What is life? What do I want out of life?
Everything changes. Everything may be totally different in the many years to come. It may be good, it may be bad. I don’t know. It could be everything like I imagined, it could be nothing like I imagined. And this could be good or bad.
I wander, alone, lost in the fog. The fog is misty, mysterious and in a strange way, beautiful.
I don’t know anything. I don’t know anything at all.