I am a prey animal. I fully admit it. I’m always high on alert for possible danger and feel like I’m ready to hightail it if things get iffy. I do not want to be approached. I perceive being approached as a threat, and so I flee.
Only it doesn’t work. I’m not fast enough. Not agile enough. Not strong enough. And I know this.
So I desperately hope that no one will be prey on me.
A strange thing happened today. People tease me, that’s nothing new. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened often but it has happened. So I was wandering around and from quite away back were a group of guys that I stayed carefully far away from. Then a big guy yelled “excuse me!” to get my attention. I looked back briefly and nervously. He started following me as I watched my back. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t know what he’ll do. Then he lifted up his shirt and started shaking his floppy belly. I fled, even though I know he could catch me if he wanted to. I fled. Then I went WTF?
I don’t trust people. I don’t particularly like people.
I don’t know how my grandma thinks lecturing me on not answering doors or phones (which I refuse to do anyway) and the bad people on the world will help me like people any more. It’s sort of hypocritical – expecting me to both trust and not trust strangers. I don’t know how this lecture helps me. It only makes my I guess social phobia, even worse. It gives me even more reasons not to interact with the world and hate people (as a species).
I am directly untrusting. And perhaps indirectly trusting at the same time. I know it’s weird.
But I am definitely a prey creature. Small, nimble, skittish. I would be the one to hide in the woods, if there was a wood. It’s not just humans. I’m wary of dogs running towards me. And no, I don’t like horses charging towards me either (not that they ever do, since they rarely come to me).
All I can say, I do hope that the teasing thing will stay an isolated incident. I also think I need to find more normal hobby eventually (maybe hiking and/or trail running) because I’m getting sick of all the weird looks and increasingly uncomfortable with some of the people who want to pick on me or get my attention as I wander around the block.
Maybe this why I love trails. It’s usually relatively quiet, it can go on for quite a ways, no one thinks you’re weird or lost when you wandering or running alone them and when you get tired, you can look up around you and be in awe of the environment around you. Also, since it goes somewhere, it’s less boring. Not to mention, it doesn’t have the city hazards and annoyances of busy streets, trashy smells and such. Also, it seems the only way I can get a decent sleep at a decent time is by doing a long hike….otherwise not so much.
I love the forest. I love the smell of it too. (I also wondered if pine sap was edible..since I seemed to be attracted to the smell, I would end up with sticky hands afterwards. It might be…since I’m sure I licked a bit off my hand and I’m still alive. Dumb, I know but the tree was on school property so…). I love the sound of the forest if only all the annoying machinery and shrieking children would all just shut up.
Whatever the case, I’m much more prey then predator. Maybe that’s why I suck so much at catching horses that don’t want to be caught.