I’m an adult now. No longer a child. I am about to start my final year of university (undergrad). Why then, does everything seems so far away? Why does it seems that everything is so far out, so far in the distance? Why does it seem like it’s impossible to get there?
Distance. That kind be a description between me and the world. I keep my distance from other people. They don’t exist. Not really, as far as I’m concerned – they’re not interactive objects.
I’m used to this. As a child, I would escape the chaos of the main room of the after-school centre by staying in the “quiet room”, reading. Or quietly drawing, making up stories and generally looking busy so no one would bother me. I kept my distance from the other children. I don’t remember why but I always kept my distance or at least I have for a long time.
Like an wild animal (or a not so wild animal, as the case may be) I flee at the sound, sight, feeling of approach, vowing to keep my distance. Keep away. Keep a watchful eye. But above all, keep away.
“Are you okay?”
Yes. No. I don’t know. I am wild, untamed. Darting away into the distance, where I feel safe and far away from people I don’t know or am not close to. I am distant to most people, always keeping my distance and never really present. I guess can’t blame them for not knowing me, since I’ve never really showed them me (other than the deer-in-the-headlights side of me). I’ve always kept my distance because that’s what feels safe.
But the distance between me and everyone else has widened. So has the distance between me and my dreams. Everything feels so far, unreachable.
I don’t know how I’m going to cross the endless distance between me and society, or if I’ll ever. Everything feels so far away, close to enough to imagine but impossible to touch.
I don’t know if I’ll ever reach my dreams, shimmering out there light-years away. Stars are huge, just like dreams. But here, grounded on earth, so far away they appear as tiny little specks, flickering in the atmosphere. The actual star may not even be there anymore, but the light lingers for years to come, highlighting the distance between us and the stars. Because even given enough distance, even travelling at the speed of light seems slow.
Given enough distance, everyone is faraway, impossible to interact with – even though they are just footsteps away. But I cannot say a word. The distance – literal and figurative stretches on. We’re too far off in different worlds, too distant to interact. I’m too distant to belong, because even though people may be just around me – they might as well be on the moon as far as I’m concerned.
I wander in the close distance, unspeaking but not wordless. Far. Too far, to say a word. We might as well be from different galaxies.