I know it’s almost counter-productive but I just can’t seem to shake it.

But I think I have probably figured out my overriding fear. It’s the fear of failure. The idea that if you don’t try, you can’t be hurt by the disappointment of failing it (probably again). If your fears are no longer making sense and defying logic as mine were (as it was occurring randomly AFTER I should have been scared), then this is probably the culprit.

But I know now that it wasn’t the fear per se I was scared of. I was scared of FAILING jumping again. I didn’t want to fail it again. I couldn’t cope with failing it again. I imagined failing it again. So it was easier just to back away. I thought I’ll be able to focus something that I was good at but it didn’t really work that that way. Oh well. Besides, I’m pretty comfortable on the flat now (canter included) and of course flat work is always important no matter what you do.

I’m a pessimist too and I think it makes me more likely to fall into this great mess. I’m a pessimist with the same logic – if I believe it won’t work out as well as I thought, I’ll be more likely to be happy by defying my expectations and if it doesn’t, then I wouldn’t have failed myself. It makes sense right? Sort of.

In practice, it doesn’t work as great as you’ll think. So now instead protecting myself from failure, it often feels that I’ve failed in order to avoid failure.

I probably have other examples but that’s the most significant example that I can think of.

I don’t like to fail. I HATE failing.  I really hate failing.

Oh and I only failed one test – some evil philosophy unit test…and really wished a black hole would come and eat me up then. (I passed the course though)

I know you have to fail in order to succeed but still…..arrgghh! Why does it have to be failure?

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