But I don’t feel very thankful. I don’t feel thankful for the friends that I don’t have, the pets that I don’t have, the family that can’t or won’t understand me, the walls I keep hitting or the places I hoped to be a places of belonging, just more places of unbelonging.
Ask me for my thanks when I’m happier.
Everything feels so wrong. I’m not sure what it is, really. I’m tired of not belonging everywhere I go. Sometimes I just want to be in the middle of nowhere with an internet connection and places to wander on. Many days I just want it all to disappear, dissipate into the bliss of nothingness. Because every time it is something, it’s another thing that’s annoying, that is always pushing against me.
There were things when I was younger that I thought would make me happy. But they didn’t. In fact it’s more of the opposite.
I guess there are things to be thankful for but I’m still just not happy where I am at the moment. I’m not even sure what I’m going to do next year yet alone get my crap together for it! (I want to do a diploma program in either web development/new media or perhaps, professional writing but the high importance of collaboration is an issue…). So, I don’t know. It feels like everything is impossible. It feels that I’m not good at anything and belong no where. After all, what’s an alien from inner space going to do?
**And for people who claim I am lying. I actually suck at lying. If I don’t know, I usually really don’t know. I also suck at multitasking. Maybe you can coordinate a million things in a given movement but me…not so much. I can manage multiple projects at a time but I can’t different things at the same time. Also, I hate being called the “Chinese girl” or the “Chinese lady” seeing that I can’t even speak Chinese!
Breathe. Breathe shuddering gasps, choked with tears and fears and everything in between. I’m scared of everything, including fear itself.
This is only a stopping place. One day I will be where I belong. This is only a stopping place. Because you know if you repeat things enough, you might be able to convince yourself it’s true. Maybe.
Okay, so maybe there is some things to be thankful for but I’m just really not in that mood. Everything that I thought I cared about has long since unraveled and I’m trying to pick up new pieces to no avail. Something is always an issue.
Maybe it wasn’t supposed to be easy but was it always meant to be this hard? I want to disappear and be able to flow through walls, buildings, trees, ocean and everything else. If you can’t beat them or join them then what?
Everyone can shut up about the friend thing. You can wax poetic about friends all you want but it doesn’t matter to me because I’m not part of that world and I haven’t really been since when was around eleven.
Yes, I know I’m just whining in a slightly more literary way. Whatever.
Of course, I’m suppose to be pitching articles, studying for my environmental history midterm and finishing the book Pamela, but instead of those useful things writing this because you know, that’s how it rolls…