A Life Without People

Posted on

Well, not literally a life without people.

But close enough.

Outside of my family, I’ve had very little daily interaction with other people. I’ve never really interacted with my peers. We always seemed to be at different points of reality, as if we were occupying different dimensions in the same space.

It was always like this, to some extant. But it got worse during high school. It seemed that the gap was widening and widening to the point that we’re completely unconnected. But I never connected well with my peers. It seems that I get along better with people who are older or younger than myself. Somehow, both groups were more willing to talk to me but not those from my own age group.

I can be annoying anyone who is not me. I have a snarky sense that annoys people but I find greatly amusing – I’m pretty proud of my snarky replies sometimes (maybe I should contain to scripts or something). But not no one can complain about “I’m amazed you have friends you’re so annoying” because I don’t have friends. I’m not that sure if I want close friends.  They’re too hard to get. Too complicated. Life is simpler without managing relationships of all or any kinds.

For the most part, I’ve lived my life almost without people from the outside world. I don’t even know what friends are anymore…they are almost abstractions to me. I hear they exist but I don’t really know what they are.  It’s like my version of dark matter or something!

I’m fascinated by “life without people” and “creatures of the far future” speculative documentaries and um…semi-fiction (I guess?).

But I don’t know. I guess I don’t like people. Or at least, people I don’t know. Maybe it gets lonely sometimes and very disconnecting but I can’t imagine it any other way.

Also, I did a few online personality tests (Myers-Briggs) and whatever I did and whatever test I tried, I wound up as INTJ (Introverted Intuitive Thinking Judging…so I guess I’m a INTJ. Apparently they are thinkers. But I suck as a scientist (me and math) and um….yeah. I sometimes score 100% introvert. And part of the it is due to that fact that I’m an overthinker. Although, I have not been around people enough really really know if being around people actually sucks energy from me so I’m not always 100% if I’m an introvert since I really don’t have great social skills…

Because I live in a life without people sort of (I sound like I’m living in the future!), some of the questions are unanswerable to me such as the ones about parties (I don’t go to parties and you can’t drag me to one) and friends groups (I haven’t worked in groups and I don’t have friends).

I did look into librarian stuff though…but a master’s degree is hard to get into and library tech doesn’t pay very well. Jobs aren’t that plentiful either and most of them can’t be done remotely. I also don’t want to work with the public.

I don’t know what I want to do. Sometimes I wish I can go off into a mystical land without people. Or math, because you know, I suck at math. (Why does all my personality tests point to programming when I suck at math? I tried JavaScript and didn’t get it! HTML/CSS is fine….programming? I don’t know about that one. Which is also why I’m not sure what I want to do!)

Purple Horse Portrait

Posted on


Not exactly my vision but close enough to it. I might come back and fix it but I probably won’t.. Anyway, I could not figure out to make a white mane shiny. Not the same as my other horse portrait (it’s all redone) but I guess this is the easiest pose for me.

Hope the colours look okay. Deviant Art and Windows Picture Viewer have been over-saturating my colours…so it looked weird! It’s not supposed to be “glowing”! Re-exported in Photoshop CS3 using save for web….looks okay so far…

I couldn’t really make the image big since my computer lags when painting on a large canvas (like 3000×2000 or so).

Maybe the mane physics don’t make sense on this one….

Adobe Photoshop CS3 + Wacom Bamboo Create

Lost in the Fog

Posted on

It’s foggy tonight.

Sometimes I wonder if I have lost my way. Or if I will lose my way. Or myself.

If I get lost in the fog. If I lose my way. If I lose myself, will anyone try to find me? Or will everyone just leave me lost? It’s not like I have close friends  or anything.

The year is 2013 CE/AD.

I always knew but didn’t quite this year will come. It seemed so far away, hidden under the guise of the future. Here for a brief moment before it descends to the past.

I’ve been out of high school since 2007. Grade school seems like an eternity ago.

And I,

I don’t know what I’m doing. Or what I will do.

Maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s normal. But it’s the unknown that troubles me. I don’t know if it will be good or bad.

Once upon a time I would figure that by 2013, I would have achieved my dreams. That I’ll be a good, reasonable advanced rider. That I’ll have my own horse.

Of course, that didn’t haven. Not even close and I’m not sure if it ever will. That part of me has been slowly slipping away the past few years. I couldn’t stand the disillusionment  Couldn’t stand all those that had far more privileges and talent that I could ever hold.

I’m not sure what I want. Or need. Or want.

I know I don’t want kids. I don’t care for a family. And I can’t fathom a romantic relationship of any sort. I know I seem so sure of that…and it’s the only thing that I’m sure of (won’t it be ironic if it wasn’t?).

I don’t know.

I don’t like not knowing. And honestly, being a useless leech is getting boring.

I like the fog and the mist though (and smoke/smoky effects for that matter). There’s something mystical, ethereal to it.

Winter at Deer Lake

Posted on

Taken at Deer Lake, Jan 19, 2013 from my phone (didn’t bring a camera…really should have though). There was some ice over the like and a mist hanging over it.

I feel old: Remember Kid Pix?

Posted on

aka…the drawing program where half the fun was finding creative ways to erase things (like blowing them up). I also enjoyed blending things and playing with stamps…I really liked the multi-part stamps for some reason (hey, it sort of translates….filters and custom brushes in Photoshop :-)).  I also liked making patterns with the mirror drawing thing….

Ask Wiki if you weren’t a child of the 90’s. 

I could not find any screenshots of the version I used. But….

I probably used Kid Pix Studio (released 1995 which will be the appropriate date). Or maybe Kid Pix 2 but I think it was Kid Pix Studio…eventually anyway.

But I found a few videos

The Legacies of Work

Posted on

I always wondered what would people say, what would people think at your funeral.  Kind of morbid, I know. But what would you be remembered for? What would you LIKE to be remembered for? Those two things aren’t always the same…not that you can complain since you should be dead.

I’m an English student and most of the times, we’re studying literature of people long past. This is their legacy. This week, I also went to the art gallery where I looked at, well, art and that too is or if not, will be the legacy of most artists. Now, it’s not completely separate. For instance, although Emily Carr is better known as a painter, she is also known somewhat as a writer too (take a BC lit survey class and you are bound to encounter some of her writings).

I guess, I don’t really want to be remembered as a person but remembered for my work. (Not that I’ve done anything great yet. I’m not like Alexander Pope who writes insanely great poems at age 19).

I don’t know what I want to do for a job yet. But I do know that I would like to at least do some creative non-fiction and poetry writing. Perhaps more electronic literature as a grounding in literature and technology would make that a natural combo.

Now I’m probably not going to invent anything (although it will be cool to invent a genre. In anything) but I don’t know. Often I’m not even sure what I’m good at or if it will be good enough.

I don’t have any friends, so I guess my creations will be my friends (I’m not even sure if I want friends…how would you have all the time for everything?).

Dreams of Hornless Unicorns

Posted on

Filmed Sept 2012 by my mom (I don’t actually bareback that often, it was just one of those days)
Horse:Czar
Fonts: Alegreya and Note This (both are free)
Done mostly in Adobe After Effects CS3 with a bit of Adobe Premiere Pro CS3
Somehow had a render time of 5-6 hours, even though it’s only 2:10 minutes and although has a fair number of effects, it isn’t too crazy and the datarate isn’t that high…

This is a more personal video than my last few videos.

I do not know what to do…with my life

Posted on

What else is new? School and such but we’ll get to that later. I’ve actually been sick all week so in between school, mindless web surfing and sleeping, I haven’t had time to do much else.

I’m an English major so writing is pretty natural. But I like writing poetry and creative non-fiction (and ramblings). You know, things that typically don’t pay (well, if at all). I hate business writing and I hate writing around things (I hate adjustment and  polite “bad news” letters so much).

To be honest, I’m kind of tired of writing (after 6 years of academic writing) and I find it hard to focus on writing…hence why everything ends up being done at the last minute (okay, so maybe I’m a procrastinator in general). I know I will always write in some way – whether it be professionally or not (or published or not), I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’ll ever know.

But I don’t know what I want to do. I am fascinated by technology and I love the internet. Immensely  My life will be incomplete without it. I do well in text-based communication which probably draws me to it. Although there is more multimedia on the internet than ever, it’s still primarily a text-based medium.

To that end, I am fascinated with digital poetry, web documentary and e-literature. But you can’t make a living doing that can you? It’s barely known right now. And poetry is always dead as per usual (but can multimedia bring it to life?). Now that I’m learning meter…maybe I suck a poetry anyway but prose is always fair game haha.

I did do a web design certificate but I still don’t know enough for modern web development  If it was 2000 it’ll be fine but it’s not.  This is the world of mobile web, no-flash interactivity and content management systems and blogging software (like WordPress etc). Once was part of Geekery, the internet is now part of modern culture. It will change and evolve over time.

But I don’t know what will happen. No one does. Will web developers become extinct as it becomes easier and easier to have a web presence (or even forgoing the website and just use social media or whatever cool thing of the time).  Maybe?  Will web developers/designers become the typesetters (another design job that pretty much disappeared with desktop publishing by the end of the 20th century) of the 21st century? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone does but we will. When the time comes.

It’s already really easy for the average person to make a simple website using any of the CMS/blogging packages out there (WordPress, Drupal, Joomla! etc) or the many online site makers (WordPress.com, weeby.com, webs.com and many other providers) and then there is the WYSIWYG (What-You-See-Is-What-You-Get) website building software (Adobe Muse + others). It’s just the serious people, the tech phobic and the medium-large organizations that typically need custom coding and design nowadays…if it wasn’t for mobile apps which are currently all the rage.

That said templates and WYSIWYG software has been around for a long time (Frontpage anyone? Man, that sucked.  Yes, I did use Frontpage once a long, long time ago….horrid in hindsight). And web designers didn’t go away….

I actually never have used the WYSIWYG part of Dreamweaver, other then to lazily resize a picture or something (nor did I never figure out templates but that was no problem, I used my CSS file).

I’m using Wordpress now. And it’s okay but I think it’s a bit bloated (and slow) and the fact that it uses PHP puzzles me because I don’t know PHP. At all. (Well if I stare at it long enough I can figure out what it’s trying to do but I can’t make it work for me).

But I suck at math. So I don’t know about programming. (Patterns I can do though. Overthinking makes you see stuff like that.) I just know every time numbers are involved  all logic is shot to hell.

As for writing. I don’t know. I like creative writing but I know that isn’t really a job. It’s a hobby more or less. A productive hobby but still one of my million hobbies (why do I have so many damn hobbies!!!)

I do think writing is more future proof as it’s unlikely in my lifetime that something can completely replace a human writer. But I could also fall back on it I guess. But maybe thinking that far ahead is overthinking. Not that this isn’t.

Is there  job in overthinking? Where you can just pace around in a empty room and over think….I can do that! But really, what kind of writer isn’t an overthinker!

Ghost Uni – Walk Attempt (..sort of)

Posted on

So yesterday, I very quickly sketched a unicorn.

unicorn-ghost

Hmm…not too bad for a whole minute (or less) of drawing. Hmmm…maybe I can redraw this over and over!

So I had the brilliant idea to do an animation of a ghost unicorn (and maybe adventures with the unicorn). Since everything would be in painty-sketches and either ghostly or silhouetted it would be easier to do.

Like all things, that turned a bit more difficult than what I thought.

I copied a walk pattern reference (what’s great about animating horses and horse-like creatures is that there are soooo many resources on gaits! The bad part? It’s hard and any horse person can see what’s wrong with it so fast….not me but others….).

At first, it even seemed to go backward. So I swapped some frames around and it seemed to be better but highly asymmetrical. So I redo a bit. It’s still a bit asymmetrical (and the back legs look all over the place! Ugh!)…..I need to work more on movement, make it smoother and then clean it up slightly (it doesn’t need to be cleaned up that much for this animation). Perhaps the frame rate is a bit fast for this number of frames (8) and at this slow gait too (also maybe the mane and tail need less movement)….

uniwalk_sorta

All injustices to the laws of physics, locomotion and proper equine movement are due to the inherent supernaturalism of the unicorn which is also ghost like 😉

The nice thing about a ghost uni, is that you can always have it just float around….that would be WAY easier to animate. Hello keyframes!

PS: The trot is way easier to animate than the walk. I have not been successful with the canter yet though.

I can only freeform sketch many things left. I have no idea why but that’s what “flip horizontal” will be for 😉   Maybe I should be doing this in flash but I don’t really like the flash look…I prefer this sketchy/painted look. Am I stupid to be animating in Photoshop? (Photoshop CS3 which is old…but the last time I played with animation, it was in ImageReady!) Maybe…but like I said, I don’t like drawing in Flash at the moment (maybe it’s just me and vectors that need to get along…since I never use illustrator either…).

It’s true. I guess you really can shoehorn Photoshop to do nearly anything….

Once I get my animation sequences down, I will bring them into Flash and/or After Effects I think….maybe I’ll look into proper (non vector) 2D animation software….but unless it’s going to magically create in-betweens or shade/colour for me…I’m not sure if it’ll be anymore useful than Photoshop…..