There are things, many thing that I enjoy doing. I like making stuff. I like making attempts at nearly all forms of digital media even though I don’t know what I’m doing much the time. I like making websites (and blogs, although I find WordPress much harder to customize because I don’t know PHP). I like making videos.  I like taking photos of anything but people and drawing/digital painting (although I’m not very good at any). I like writing poetry and creative non-fiction.

But I can’t see myself doing any of these for a living. It’s not like I don’t think it’s possible (okay, being a full-time non-performing poet…that probably isn’t possible especially if you want a pony like me) or that I don’t like it or anything like that.

It’s because I don’t think I’m good enough (for my own/others creative projects). Or alternatively for commercial projects, I can’t imagine working with clients. (Because I am not a nice or friendly person….or some think anyway as well as myself).

Do I think I’m a good writer? It seems to depend on the day. Do I think I’m a good designer or artist – often not, especially there’s a huge gap between my internal vision and what I actually end up with (though that may be more of a technical lack of skills though since I was never taught how to use the software).

What about being a blogger? The things I write don’t have mass appeal (clearly, according to my stats…which I swear is usually just me….I just use the stats from I have very little traffic on this blog. Very little.

My other things don’t fare so well either. I have hardly any traffic on any of my videos or really, anything really. Besides, I don’t make things that a wide audience likes. I’m not a good internet personality. I don’t have a comic or anything (if I did it would probably be about ponies, and not the my little pony kind. Maybe dressage ponies hahaha!)

I like hiking and horses (and ponies) too. But I know those will always be a hobby. I suck at everything with horses (aside from petting noses) it seems sometimes….sigh. I don’t know about my stance with horses. Yes, it’s madly expensive and dangerous but it seems like I’ve been riding too long (10 years) to give it up now. As if they have become part of me, somehow.

I want a pony when I grow up. I said it like I’m 5. I wish I was kidding…. (or a horse or something in-between…but I do fit at least large ponies.) I think I need to get out of this insanely expensive city! It’s just not going to happen here.

Also, it doesn’t help that pretty much all my hobbies are expensive. Like horses. And media arts…with the hardware and if you were to be fully legal and use all the fancy software (Adobe creative cloud is $50/month and that’s very well worth it if you earn income from it, but not for the hobbyist that might crack out an Adobe CS program or two or three a few times per month for personal projects!)….and upgrades as technology marches on and….and not to mention, equipment (have you seen prices for good cameras? –  DSLR, Mirrorless Interchangeable Lens Cameras/ and Professional Compacts all cost an arm and an leg….in some cases a limb for the body and limbs for the lenses  Ha!) and….I don’t know about anything. My hobbies also include living and being in existence. Good hobby eh? When living is NOT a hobby and living becomes a job, then there may be a problem…(slavery anyone?).

Anyway that’s my first world rant for today.

I am full of existential dread at the moment.

I have lots of hobbies. Unfortunately, I either suck at them or they are just plan not lucrative.