There are some days that I feel that I can do everything. Some days, that the world is just at my finger tips, waiting for me. Some days, I feel that I am good at something or things.

Some days I feel talented, as if I had a future. Some days I feel like all my dreams will come true – horse and all.

But other days, most days this is not the case. Some days, the world is so far away. Utterly unreachable, as I crawl along the depths, clinging to things – leech-like. Some days I feel like I’m good at nothing and the world with people is more than I could bare or function.

This is not a new thing. I’ve been having this existential dread for many years now. But now it’s edging closer, tittering over the cliff.

As if everything is falling apart. As if I’m falling apart. As if I don’t know myself.

Sometimes, I feel like I suck at everything. Name anything good and I seem to be terrible at that. Somehow, some way. I know there’s always something better but it sometimes it seems that the whole world is better, that everyone is better.

Other times, I am afraid that I’ll be setting myself up for disappointment.

Many years ago, I thought horses would be my thing. I thought I’ll be talented at it, thought that I’ll have some sort of magical, horse-whispereresque bond with a horse.

But that didn’t happen. Not even close. I found everyone around me progressing ahead while I lingered behind. The same story. The same damn story of my life. I became envious of those who had the talents and the privileges that I did not, but so desperately wanted. Seeing how one person can have the talents of several of yourself combined – that what took me years to do, she could do in mere months. Everyone else also seemed to progress – except me.

So, it was not to be. Maybe it’ll never be.

I’m not breathing, drowning in the depths of fear. For all there is to come. For all the unanswered dreams, taunting me. Of the future and all his friends hand in hand, walking zombie-like towards me. For all the things that could’ve been – perhaps in another lifetime or universe or three or a gazillion – but are not, not in this lifetime, not in this universe.

I don’t know what to believe anymore.  Positivity seems like naivety, a tool for children – innocent and unburdened by the realities of the world. When the world was coloured with wax crayons rather than black and white film, shades of monotone. When everything was vivid. When everything was possible.

Sometimes nothing seems possible anymore and all I want is the world that is already far away to just go away altogether. What’s the point to anything really? If everyone is better at everything. If you’re always the one standing alone because no one seems to understand. If you don’t understand yourself.

Some days, everything seems impossible.   I barely know what I want anymore. I always thought that horses would make me happy but I’m not sure if that’s true anymore.

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