But is it?
That’s the thing. I don’t know.

Slowly, the wheels of the world are starting to turn. Around me, things are starting to change.  It’s now 2014. It’s now the Year of the Horse in the lunar calendar. Does that mean anything? (Better not be death horse either….since despite my terrible Asianness ).

But I don’t know that is good. I don’t know if it’s bad. I don’t know if it’s the beginning. I don’t know if it’s the ending. Still drifting in the endless pit of uncertainty where sometimes, everything is possible and sometimes everything is impossible.

I took  a step in the right direction this week but I’m  still not sure if it will lead to anything. I’m sort of doubtful it’ll lead to anything. I spent months doing nothing. I’m not qualified for anything, unexperienced, untalented and stagnating.  I am increasingly listless in the languid times of each day flowing into the next, without distinction.

I hope. I hope that maybe it’ll be this year that I’ll do something more with horses. That I’ll learn more. That I’ll ride more. That I’ll advance more. But instead I am empty. Czar is now pretty much retired and I’ve been thrust into a riding school/therapy barn with bizarre rules (ok, ONE bizarre rule that drives me insane). I had hope that I’ll do something with a horse rescue or something and somehow learn more about groundwork and horse care. But I don’t know about that. I’m not sure if it’ll happen.

At the same time, I feel like nothing is closer to where I want. Side-stepping, circling. Moving? Maybe. Changes at least. Forward movement? I don’t know.

For me to go into the next step –  ride more, perhaps part-lease, I need a job. Of course that doesn’t seem to be happening at all. It’s better than it was in say, September, when I was basically deemed unemployable by the provincial work program.

And I don’t feel very employable. I’m mildly good at many things but not enough to be employable, profitable.

Just ugh! Each day flows with little distinction. I’m not quite sure if I’m living or just repeating the motions of same days over and over again.

I probably have more to write about this.

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