A Window to My Life

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This is what my life looks right now. This is the window to my future.

Everything ahead is a mass of blurred grey and other colours and the rain is all I see. The rain that never ceases.  The rain the blurs vision. The rain that just makes you wet, cold and grumpy.

I can’t see the future. The future that I imagined, the future that I dreamed for myself – is just that. A thought. A dream. No matter how big or small, realistic or unrealistic.  Meanwhile, nothing is moving. Or everything is moving. In both ways. Good and bad. All at the same time, perhaps erring more to the side of bad. As if it was slowing drifting there, somehow.

Things seemed poised for collapse. All see is rain. Washing away all that I wanted, all that I’ve loved. I don’t know if it can wash passion away. Perhaps I wished it can at some level, in a  way. That way, it’ll hurt way less to lose anything, everything when it all comes crashing down in a mudslide.

But things are easier to lose than to gain. It’s easier to criticize than praise. Dreams come so slow and can be transient, gone so fast that you’re not quite sure what replaced them. Optimism can quickly feel like false hope before it quickly descends to pessimism. It’s easier to destroy than to create. There’s more ways to die than to be born.

And still the window offers me nothing, but the distant hints of colour out there. I know there’s something perhaps, but there is no detail. No detail of whether it will be good or bad. Everything is a blur. Water drops obscures my view although I’m not quite sure if they are drops of rain, tears or both.

Maybe it’s alright to be worried that I’m going nowhere. Maybe it’s alright to be scared. Maybe it’s alright to have a looming sense of doom. Maybe it’s alright to feel desperate.

But I’m tired of it. I’m tired of all of this.

I’m desperate for change. Hungry to chase my dreams.  Hope that something good will happen to me and soon.

But I’m not too sure about that. The grey blur of pessimism lingers.

I want to know what’s beyond the window. I want to see that the skies are blue and maybe one day the dreams I may dare to dream, could somehow come true.

On the Cusp of Collapse and Coming Together

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Everything is of the verge of falling apart. And everything is on the verge of coming together.

But I feel the collapse imminent. It’s like what WILL happen if nothing happens. What will happen if I don’t stop it.  Somehow.

Yet, there’s hope of greater changes. I guess. Maybe one day soon, I’ll have a job (or two). Maybe one day soon, I can move out. Maybe one day soon, I can be more involved with horses and riding.

But I don’t know. There’s somehow that maybe the first two things may happen. But I don’t know when and I don’t know how.

I have been a bit more successful with the volunteer thing lately. I’m going to volunteer as a photographer this weekend. I did some things with a computer refurb/recycling organization. And most excitedly, I have volunteered with horses – for a few months in a therapuetic riding program and possibly in the future with a pony rescue. Granted most of these things are either not long termed and have not yet happened yet or both.

But I still feel like everything is about to fall apart. That there’s no horizon and the world is flipped on its head. I’ve been out of university for over 8 months and I haven’t done much. Meanwhile, it’s been an insane 7 years since I’ve graduated high school. How does that even happen? It feels like it was just a few years ago I was a schoolgirl wandering through the high school corridors. Time doesn’t explain it. It seems so fast.

And still I haven’t done much. I have completed a degree and that’s about it. Definitely not much to write home about for a 24 year old.  I feel like I’m getting older, that the time and the window for success is like somehow running out. I’m not quite sure where or how I got to the conclusion.

I guess I’m a results-orientated person. I might have been ambitious, had I had more success in…I don’t know, life?  Forcing things don’t always work. I know. That’s what riding has taught me….you can be so determined to “fix” something that everything winds up totally unravelling. But it’s what else do you do? Wait until they come to you? That approach doesn’t really work either, it seems.

Everything seems to be on the verge of falling apart, hanging by its last threads. A big part of it is uncertainty. It’s like I know everything is going to fall apart but I don’t know if anything or everything will come together. The hope is promising but I feel the imminent collapse is looming.

I haven’t even thought much of July yet, other than I hope that I get my crap together…for some reason July seems unplanned, devoid of anything and I just can’t really seem to think much beyond the first week or two of July at all.

I hope that things will work out. But I just don’t know.

I miss school. I miss horses (I haven’t ridden or seen horses in about 2 weeks). I’m tired of arguing at home about stupid things. I miss the structure that my life once had.

I had more in my mind, but somehow this was all I managed to write. Amazing.