Some 50 thoughtful questions (and my answers)

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Wanted to do some random questions  so I found this one. From: www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/

  1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
    16? I feel like a teenager.
  2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
    Failing. Although I know it should be the latter but in actuality, failing. I am terrified of failing!
  3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
    Money and expectations. People get caught in the grind of life. It’s hard to do things we like when we don’t seem to have the means.
  4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
    Probably especially since I’m a rambling, ranting writer…..
  5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
    Be less money driven, less greedy. It seems to cause just about ALL problems of the world – name a major problem (environmental, social etc)  and I bet that money is part of it.
  6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
    Horseback riding :-), maybe photography and I don’t know…wandering around in the forest? LOL. Maybe film-making or something like that. Something artsy.
  7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
    I am trying to do what I believe in but I will not be able to fully realize that in the near future as long as I live at home. So I guess I’m settling for what I’m doing…but one CAN do and what one WANTS to do can be two completely different things.
  8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
    I would hope to have done more by now but I’m not sure if I would have changed anything. Maybe take more courses at the same time….?
  9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
    As much as I could – or not. Somewhat but not all that much I would say. I tend to wait until things take me places or reach a crisis…whichever comes first. I’m currently deciding on some major life directions too….
  10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
    Doing things right because there’s lots of stupid humanity-related things I don’t believe but will have to if I want get anywhere since “doing the right things” is kind of vague.
  11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?
    I don’t know.  (Social skills suck)
  12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
    I don’t know? Don’t let others define you. (Although I don’t always stay true to that one either).
  13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
    Depends if I’m with others. On my own, unlikely (sorry).
  14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
    No. But I can see creativity where others see insanity.
  15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
    Everything. No, but I like to believe I think differently and have a different perspective on things.
  16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
    They don’t understand the feeling, the sensation.
  17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?
    One thing…hmm…  More like many things but the biggest barrier at the moment are social skills or lack thereof.
  18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
    Yes. ALL conflicts. I can’t seem to mentally let go of ANY conflict so they just seem clog in my head for way too long while I am amazed how people move on like nothing happened.
  19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
    I would like to move somewhere that would be financially more viable for me to own a horse. I would be interested in moving to a different town/city, possibly a different province. I doubt I will leave the country but if I do it will probably be another English-speaking country or something…Europe would be the most “exotic” I guess (and they have horses!).
  20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
    YES YES!!! No.
  21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
    Worried genius.  I’m always worried, so why not become a genius too 😉
  22. Why are you, you?
    Still figuring that out…
  23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
    Probably not. Dunno. Don’t really have much friends. Not a priority for me. My priorities will be my job and equestrian pursuits.
  24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
    Hypothetically (because I don’t really have friends), it would be the latter because you might run into the good friend who you lost touch with and it will be awkward. Or I think it will be awkward. Maybe not…
  25. What are you most grateful for?
    Literacy, access to technology and my opportunities to ride horses, relatively few as they are.
  26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
    Lose all memories as I want to make new ones.  (I would also love to get rid of all the negative memories so they aren’t floating around being annoying).
  27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
    Not really. You can believe the truth without challenging but that’s not the same as knowing.
  28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
    Right now to an extent. I graduated 1 year ago and I have no solid plans for anything….
  29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?
    No. I guess not.
  30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?
    Christmas as a young child. Everyone was together. Conflict was minimal. Everything was possible. The future wasn’t scary.
  31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
    When I ride a horse?
  32. If not now, then when?
    Later?
  33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
    Not much I guess.  But yet I feel like I’m constantly lowering my expectations so they wouldn’t seem so “far out” and unlikely. It’s like I don’t know the difference between realistic and pessimistic.
  34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
    No.
  35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
    Overly rigid narratives and beliefs. Too much belief and differing beliefs.
  36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
    No. It’s not that black and white.
  37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
    I don’t have a job to quit but I guess I could stop looking for one so intently.
  38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
    More work I enjoy.
  39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
    OMG YES!!
  40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
    Huh? I’m always doing things with ideas first. Sometimes I get the answers to actually realizing my ideas and sometimes I don’t.
  41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
    I don’t know. Maybe my family? I will probably more interested in preserving what is left of humanity – like a capsule or something….
  42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
    NO.
  43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? 
    Alive is just breathing, living is being happy and fulfilled to a greater extent.
  44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
    Tell me? I have trouble with that. Calculating risk and rewards seems much safer than just doing it.
  45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
    We feel wronged with every one. Sometimes punished. It’s not a good feeling.
  46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
    I would be way more honest then I am and it would hilarious (to me)!
  47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
    Fairly often. Especially when I’m trying to sleep or I’m riding (a horse).
  48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
    Horses? I guess so. I volunteer. I am trying (somewhat desperately) to hang out to riding.
  49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?
    No. Maybe (July 25), that was a little too epic (not in a good way).  Other than that, no. Not really.
  50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
    A little bit of both. I’m trying to make them for myself but I’m also quite…almost dependent on others making them for me.  Interestingly, I feel like I’m better with making big decisions than small ones! (I tend to let others make the small ones).

Date:  July 27, 2014.

Flickers

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Flickers from Jen on Vimeo.

There’s not that much to say right now…

Flickers

I’m drifting between shadows and light
darting from one to the other
retreating to the darkness
chasing the light

but it comes too fast, and I too slow
though I may be enamored in its splendour
mesmerizing
but ungraspable

the light is too revealing anyway
exposing all that is wrong
and little that feels right

running back to the shadows
into the darkness
where the light does not burn
and does not shine

either way I can’t see
except for the light dancing
in the shadows
optimism glimmering
within

flickers of   [note: not listed in order]
hope desperation
elation disappointment
bravery fear
dreams nightmares
knowledge confusion
confidence anxiety
belonging alienation

the auspicious
ominous future

flickers of everything and nothing
shadows dancing in light
light dancing in the shadows

Another Year, Another Summer

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And so, summer is here.

It used to be a time of celebration.  No school. Fun field trips (I never took holidays…and evidently I may never will on a regular basis). As a teenager, hanging around the barn a little more often (I was never quite the barn rat – well, maybe I was for a few weeks before I got “laid off” lol). I was always more of a winter person though. I’m not sure why exactly but I never liked the heat all that much.

But now summer seems to mark the ending of another academic year. The academic year that never was.

What’s worse than a has-been? A never-been.

I’ve never been this. I’ve never been that. Each day is another exercise is nothingness. I feel like I’m in a never ending limbo. Suspended in a sea of mediocrity. Floating listlessly.

I wish for the sunny youth of summer. The innocence as bright as the sun’s strong rays. When the truth and the critic didn’t feel one and the same.

But now, summer just seems to mark another year, another year of nothing. So much so that anything else almost seems overwhelming, stuck  into the endless cycle of nothingness. Yet meanwhile, they children run, play and scream in joy. I stay inside, watching the time go by wordlessly.

Maybe I’ve always been like that. As a kid, I was always the dork that spent the summer reading in the reading room or swinging on the swing for hours. One summer I even taught myself how to “see” the images in the Magic Eye books – more or less (I found some worked better than others…though I’m not sure if I can still see them).

Maybe you’re not growing if what you’re doing doesn’t scare you. But fear is a powerful thing. It’s way easier to simply stay in the shadows rather then attempt to chase the golden light with all sort of barriers in the way.

And every summer it says the same, as if the summer was somehow another year new. Another school year. Another new year of learning. Of growing? But what does it mean when you feel that you barely learnt anything? What does it mean when you’re not sure if you grew that much, still stuck in your ways?

What does it mean when everything feels impossible and you’re not sure how you’re going to move forward? Maybe it’s just normal growing pains – the growing pains of transitions, of really growing up but it all feels like I’m flying towards the sun at full speed.