All hobbies and no day jobs

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There are things, many thing that I enjoy doing. I like making stuff. I like making attempts at nearly all forms of digital media even though I don’t know what I’m doing much the time. I like making websites (and blogs, although I find WordPress much harder to customize because I don’t know PHP). I like making videos.  I like taking photos of anything but people and drawing/digital painting (although I’m not very good at any). I like writing poetry and creative non-fiction.

But I can’t see myself doing any of these for a living. It’s not like I don’t think it’s possible (okay, being a full-time non-performing poet…that probably isn’t possible especially if you want a pony like me) or that I don’t like it or anything like that.

It’s because I don’t think I’m good enough (for my own/others creative projects). Or alternatively for commercial projects, I can’t imagine working with clients. (Because I am not a nice or friendly person….or some think anyway as well as myself).

Do I think I’m a good writer? It seems to depend on the day. Do I think I’m a good designer or artist – often not, especially there’s a huge gap between my internal vision and what I actually end up with (though that may be more of a technical lack of skills though since I was never taught how to use the software).

What about being a blogger? The things I write don’t have mass appeal (clearly, according to my stats…which I swear is usually just me….I just use the stats from I have very little traffic on this blog. Very little.

My other things don’t fare so well either. I have hardly any traffic on any of my videos or really, anything really. Besides, I don’t make things that a wide audience likes. I’m not a good internet personality. I don’t have a comic or anything (if I did it would probably be about ponies, and not the my little pony kind. Maybe dressage ponies hahaha!)

I like hiking and horses (and ponies) too. But I know those will always be a hobby. I suck at everything with horses (aside from petting noses) it seems sometimes….sigh. I don’t know about my stance with horses. Yes, it’s madly expensive and dangerous but it seems like I’ve been riding too long (10 years) to give it up now. As if they have become part of me, somehow.

I want a pony when I grow up. I said it like I’m 5. I wish I was kidding…. (or a horse or something in-between…but I do fit at least large ponies.) I think I need to get out of this insanely expensive city! It’s just not going to happen here.

Also, it doesn’t help that pretty much all my hobbies are expensive. Like horses. And media arts…with the hardware and if you were to be fully legal and use all the fancy software (Adobe creative cloud is $50/month and that’s very well worth it if you earn income from it, but not for the hobbyist that might crack out an Adobe CS program or two or three a few times per month for personal projects!)….and upgrades as technology marches on and….and not to mention, equipment (have you seen prices for good cameras? –  DSLR, Mirrorless Interchangeable Lens Cameras/ and Professional Compacts all cost an arm and an leg….in some cases a limb for the body and limbs for the lenses  Ha!) and….I don’t know about anything. My hobbies also include living and being in existence. Good hobby eh? When living is NOT a hobby and living becomes a job, then there may be a problem…(slavery anyone?).

Anyway that’s my first world rant for today.

I am full of existential dread at the moment.

I have lots of hobbies. Unfortunately, I either suck at them or they are just plan not lucrative.

Purple Horse Portrait

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Not exactly my vision but close enough to it. I might come back and fix it but I probably won’t.. Anyway, I could not figure out to make a white mane shiny. Not the same as my other horse portrait (it’s all redone) but I guess this is the easiest pose for me.

Hope the colours look okay. Deviant Art and Windows Picture Viewer have been over-saturating my colours…so it looked weird! It’s not supposed to be “glowing”! Re-exported in Photoshop CS3 using save for web….looks okay so far…

I couldn’t really make the image big since my computer lags when painting on a large canvas (like 3000×2000 or so).

Maybe the mane physics don’t make sense on this one….

Adobe Photoshop CS3 + Wacom Bamboo Create

The Legacies of Work

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I always wondered what would people say, what would people think at your funeral.  Kind of morbid, I know. But what would you be remembered for? What would you LIKE to be remembered for? Those two things aren’t always the same…not that you can complain since you should be dead.

I’m an English student and most of the times, we’re studying literature of people long past. This is their legacy. This week, I also went to the art gallery where I looked at, well, art and that too is or if not, will be the legacy of most artists. Now, it’s not completely separate. For instance, although Emily Carr is better known as a painter, she is also known somewhat as a writer too (take a BC lit survey class and you are bound to encounter some of her writings).

I guess, I don’t really want to be remembered as a person but remembered for my work. (Not that I’ve done anything great yet. I’m not like Alexander Pope who writes insanely great poems at age 19).

I don’t know what I want to do for a job yet. But I do know that I would like to at least do some creative non-fiction and poetry writing. Perhaps more electronic literature as a grounding in literature and technology would make that a natural combo.

Now I’m probably not going to invent anything (although it will be cool to invent a genre. In anything) but I don’t know. Often I’m not even sure what I’m good at or if it will be good enough.

I don’t have any friends, so I guess my creations will be my friends (I’m not even sure if I want friends…how would you have all the time for everything?).