Tag: being lost

Existing: Rhythms of Days

Posted on By jennego

Each day leads to the another day, seamlessly flowing into another as time somehow marches by.

That used to disturb me.  It used to bother me that I was getting older (I’m now 25) but not really achieving anything. I still live at home. I’m still not independent. Forget a career, I never had a job ever and well….I don’t know. I still don’t know how I’m going to afford my expensive hobbies (why expensive hobbies?! Grrr!). But for the time being, I guess it is not meant to be….

Those things haven’t changed. They haven’t changed at all. But I’m somehow less disturbed by it. I’ve found steps towards change way too overwhelming.

How could someone be so utterly unready for just about anything? I don’t know but somehow I managed to do just that.

The desperation for progress has been replaced by apathy? I don’t know.

I’ve been here before. In a way. But it’s different this time. It’s like the opposite of last time in (in 2008 which was a completely different situation but also a time of transition in some ways) so many, many ways except the end result in the same: living in a state of mere apathetic existence. It took me a few years to finally get out of that last time but I had no support at the time. Fortunately, my life was fairly structured at the time and I had no need to grow.

I’m finding it difficult to do anything else, anything beyond the confines of what I deem comfortable. I know I SHOULD do something but I don’t actually want to do anything. I don’t really know why exactly. But it is.  I barely leave home.

As if all the issues bubbling under, on and above the surface came back to haunt me big time. It feels like I could create barriers to run into by just breathing. Seriously.

Just my presence seems to throw any seemingly straightforward plan into complete disarray! Usually when I fail to do something…I don’t know. It often ends with me freaking out to some extent or whatever.

My days pass: pacing, sleeping, existing.

Somewhere in-between. It’s a familiar place for me. I’ve always struggled to find anywhere for me, trapped between worlds. Neither low-functioning to have a lot of services or programs yet unable to cope with the “real world” (either I don’t have the social skills or I’m not independent enough/find it too overwhelming or all of the above).

I am not sure when I’ll exist the funk (or if, but oh god I hope I do…this kinda sucks 🙁 ).

Things are slowly getting better. Things are slowly solidifying. I’m starting to find things to grasp onto, that I’ll hopefully keep holding onto even as the storm passes. Horses have been good. I somehow manage keep my shit together when on or around a horse even though I can’t seem to do it in just about anything else. I’ve even manage to ride little issues out like a real rider on a real horse  instead of freaking out myself – despite the fact that I’m kind of losing it in all other aspects of my simultaneously wonderfully and horribly stagnant life.

But horses are expensive. And hard to get to.  So I can’t ride that much :-(. But for now it’s enough to keep me sane, keep me grounded. I am increasingly starting to think that if it wasn’t for horses, I would have completely lost it by now.  Even though I am struggling with various issues (some of them a little larger than I thought…) now, I still have some motivation to move froward. Without horses, I’m not sure if I would have that.

Too many things end with me freaking out. No wonder I’m drawn to the masters of freaking out: horses. :-P. To be fair, it’s pretty hard to freak and run away when the horse under you is doing it for you, pretty much! (Although I seem to be able to keep my shit together with horses this time around which wasn’t the case in 2008. Like I said, opposite.  In 2008, wasn’t freaking out about the rest of my non-horsy life – I just didn’t care despite that I did decide that the canter was suddenly scary for no reason…and I didn’t care much.).

I’ve also gotten stuck in a cycle of procrastinating too…

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just stuck in general…..

For now I still few like a lost child. Except I’m a grown-up that can’t seem to do any grown-up things at the moment….

Not Impossible (Schoolgirl Days)

Posted on By jennego

When I think to things that once seemed impossible but became impossible was integrating into regular classes in grade 9.

I have been in social development programs all through elementary school. I had some integrated classes in elementary school (usually a once or few times per week thing) but I don’t recall any of them were wildly successful. The worst one was when I was supposed to be a mentor for a younger class. That didn’t go that well and I’m not sure why they thought it would.

For high school, I was in Pacific Storm Social Development at Sir Charles Tupper Secondary. When I was in grade 8, we had two integrated elective blocks – one was a rotation of fine arts (drawing, graphics, drama) and the other was a rotation of other things (Applied Skills…I just remember it had woodworking and home ec). It was not that easy for me but I eventually got the hang of it. Some courses were modified quite heavily for me to accommodate me (I’m looking at you, Drama).

I was 13 years old. I didn’t know it at the time but my social world was going to become more and more insular. By the time I was 13,  I didn’t think I’ll ever go into regualar classes. I doubted I would go to university.

At last half of grade 9, I was nearly fully integrated. In grade 10, I had one block with Pacific Storm even though the program was grade 8-9 (though it said grades 8-10 for YEARS). In grade 11, I had one skills block that I seemed to use for napping….but wound up running back to a Pacific Storm staff member in times of “crisis”. In grade 12, I wound up going back to Pacific Storm to “peer tutor” (kids didn’t like me much, go figure) although I can’t say I did a very good job (I don’t know why people keep thinking I’ll be a good tutor!)…in reality, it was more like “catching up with folks”. I was offered a skills block in grade 12 but opted for spare. Although in grades 11-12 I was technically with the resource centre for support, I never strayed that far away from Pacific Storm (but they didn’t do a good job of kicking me out either 😛 ).

Long after I graduated (thankfully), Pacific Storm has since moved to Britannia. I am very glad that happened much after or I would have been so screwed with my “not part of the program, part of the program” status in grade 10-12.

As for the hoopla with special needs in regular classrooms? I don’t know. I think I would have enjoyed the academic challenge (except for math) if I was integrated earlier. But I also think that the social development programs kept me relatively safe from bullies and let me form friendships. I am not sure if I would have formed a friendship if I wasn’t in that setting. ALL of the friends I ever had (and may ever have at this rate lol) were peers from my social development classes. Actually, come to think if it, I might have very well have gotten kicked out of a regular classroom for such poor social interaction skills, especially when it got way worse around grade 2 or 3. I don’t know what happened. People have asked me that before. At any rate, it was like my world fell in.

When I was around 12-13 , I did not imagine that I go to regular classes or will attend university. That seemed nearly impossible. I knew nothing more other than social development programs.

But I did. I now have a BA in English. But I was reasonably good at academics and my accommodations allowed me to stay in my comfort zone for the most part.

Now, I am struggling to see myself getting a job and living independently. But this is harder.

This is so much harder. And it does seem impossible a lot of the time.

I can’t handle phones. Or introductions. Or interviews. Or anything else it seems.

I don’t have the independence or social skills  that one expects from someone my age. Sometimes it seems like I don’t want to do it when I do but I’m just really overwhelmed.

I long for the days of school hallways…so structured, so comforting….

What Keeps Me Going

Posted on By jennego

Photo edited by me but not taken by me. Me & Sparkles. June 2014.

This is what keeps me at going, I guess. Or at least attempting to move forward.

Even though there’s no certainty. Even though I’m not sure if my dreams can come true. Even if there is no promise at the end. Even though it may never happen.
But the possibility of my dreams….to even go halfway….it would be enough.

My outlandish dream is to own a horse. Of course I’m not even sure that is remotely possible myself. My more realistic and shorter term goal is having my dreams go about halfway-ish and be able to maybe half lease (or to ride at least 2-3 days or more per week).

Still the glimmer of it, the possibility is enough for me to try to keep moving forward even when it sometimes seems impossible. (And many times it has. There are just so many barriers it seems.)

I feel like I’m very slowly attempting to take the first small steps towards what could be my dreams. But I didn’t realize how hard it is. Or how much that even how much it logically may make sense that emotionally, the process of progress is overwhelming.

From here on, the text has kind of gone out of control and slightly off topic…

Horses are expensive (I’m often struggling to ride weekly as it is) so short of winning the lottery (that I don’t play) or some other highly unlikely (preferably legal) lucrative scenario, employment is integral to my dreams.

It’s easy to admit that I don’t have social skills as I’ve always felt like I have the social skills of a pet rock with legs (for fleeing of course) anyway. But it’s quite another to seriously actually work on it….instead of just talking about working on it (which is way easier). I know I don’t have really have the social skills for most things right now. Working with people I don’t know well is incredibly awkward. Greetings are an unnatural chore. Introductions are next to impossible. I still have an aversion to phones and so on…and that’s with the simple things. To say nothing of any of the more complicated intricacies of things like power or dealing with conflict (besides angrily walking away and/or ignoring) and so on that I feel like I have little understanding of.

I am trying to push forward but I’m also finding myself planting my feet and stopping at anything that seems scary. (I’m not quite spinning around and bolting but….)

I also don’t really feel really prepared for anything. Currently, I don’t feel like I have the skills for employment, espeically the social skills part. I’m not completely sure about any sort of major group work either in any setting. Transitions to the unknown are hard, especially when I don’t feel ready. But I’m not sure if I’ll ever truly feel ready, I’m not sure if is the sort of test that I never feel ready until after I did it and then it’s okay (even though it may not have felt that way at the time).

I have been stumbling around in this void, this in-between for slightly over a year now. Previously, I was in university. School was relatively safe and predictable. Since I was so socially isolated throughout most of my school years (grade and post secondary) I never really worked with others in person.
The possibilities are of course exciting but the uncertainty is terrifying. Yet possibilities and uncertainty are seemingly irrevocably entangled. I’m almost 25 now (in early Nov) and for some reason, it feels that time is ticking. I don’t know if it actually is but it feels that way.

I am eager but terrified to move forward. The contradicting desires are confusing me, pulling me in multiple directions. I’m not sure if I’m flying or falling or neither since I never managed to leave the freaking ground in the first place (I might be crawling).

Yet, the possibility of horses in my future keeps me wanting to go forward. Somehow. Even though I’m not always entirely sure if I can and even if I’m not even sure if horses would even be there. (My other goal is to move out but I don’t find it quite as inspiring as horses most of the time).

*****
Ok, I know this kind of drifted off into a slightly off-topic rant after the first photo and turned out way longer than originally intended. Oops.
I pretty much spent this entire week at home over-thinking (plus a bit of writing). I’m a good complainer, can get fixated on things (usually the things I shouldn’t be fixating on), tend to write more when I’m confused and mix that with the fact that I’m kind of in a weird phase right now. If I don’t make sense it’s because nothing much is making sense to me either as a whole (separately things make sense).

Me & Czar. Sept 2012
Me & Czar. Sept 2012

Me bareback on Czar, Sept 2012. Czar being an awesome couch. 🙂

PS: I know I’m wearing the same thing in both photos haha.

The Paradox of Progress

Posted on By jennego

I want progress, but I am also terrified of it! I want things to change, but I don’t want to change.

I discovered that this past week, resulting in somewhat of a mid-week crisis. I don’t know. It’s all just very confusing and conflicting still.

In general I am not a huge fan of change. Yet, I’m tired of continuously going nowhere. Things are finally starting to happen for me – as I wanted. But I did not expect how overwhelming it could be – when I’ve barely started. But even talk of Telephone Dragons and Teamwork Dragons are enough to rattle me…..yet alone someone going “we’re going to extend your comfort zone”. Uh oh. That usually means it’ll be broken first. I like my comfort zone intact, thank you very much.

Ok, so I did more or less stay in my safe zone for a long while. Did I really do anything? Not really. That was the problem with the last employment program attempt – we were kind of just doing….nothing really. I don’t know. If they did something, they sure didn’t tell me.

I don’t have a good history of programs since I left university. I was really not so happy the first time that the person for the provincial employment program gave up on me due to inadequate social skills. There were so many things wrong with that situation that it’s a wonder we lasted a little over a month. I would change support agencies soon after anyway.

Looking back, at someone’s original plan a little over a year ago –  there was no way that was happening without having some sort of massive meltdown. Dumping me in the deep end doesn’t work. I just seem to get more unwilling, more fearful of it – espeically when it doesn’t even go right!

I know it’s not the same now. I’m with people that now understand me and mostly know me (well, one just started so…). I have more support. It’s one thing to push – but there needs to be a way to deal with the aftermath (also known as when I basically flip out more or less…).

But I still want things to progress and not progress at the same time. I would like the progress without the side-effects, without the growing pains, without the unease and without the anxiety.

If I can’t have my job on a platter, can I have progress on a platter?

Apparently that’s not going to happen.

But I still wish to fly. But I don’t want to fall. I want progress but….I don’t know. I don’t know anything at all.

Breaking Away

Posted on By jennego

Well, not literal wars, thankfully. More like imagined ones to me.

The last two weeks have been crazy. It all started on July 25 with a splat with my employment service. Initially, it started with a dispute about paying for a criminal record check BEFORE anything was or is secured (I have still yet to hear back about that one by the way and I’m STILL peeved about that!!) and just just spiraled out of control from there. Things were already sort of going not so well and it just got worse. In the end, I had little faith in them and things clashed. I know that believe differently but it felt like I was grilled and then ejected out. I haven’t been back since. Now I’m trying to figure things out.

In some ways I’ve been here before and I think I’ve chosen right.  Last year I switched agencies and workers. That worked quite well.

I’ve been out of school for almost 1 whole year and I’m still not employed in any way, I’m haven’t done any work experince or internships, I am still living at home, I’m still barely able to ride (I’m lucky if I get my weekly lesson) and generally, I feel like I haven’t achieved anything. Which is not totally true but it feels like it.

True, I’ve only been with them for 9 months, so not even a year. But I don’t feel like it’s working and I need a job. One can make an entire human being in 9 months but not any sort of job for me?

It’s time for a change I think.  My logic is questioning it but my gut feels that it’s necessary. I don’t think I’m going to go much further doing what I’ve already been doing.

I guess it’s time to breakaway.

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes til’ I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

I think I need to breakaway from that employment program

I don’t know where this road will go and I don’t know if it will be any better than before. But at least then, I’ll know that I tried.

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

No matter what, I need to keep moving on even when I don’t know what’s at the end. I need to not lose sight of my dreams but it’s hard when it feels like all your walking into walls. But I generally know what I want in general, I just have no idea how to achieve those things. I can’t predict what’s at the end of the road. Nor can anyone. But ultimately, one must submit to pure, informed but unsubstantiated belief that everything is going to be okay. Even though there’s no way of knowing.

But that’s okay. It has to be. There isn’t any other way. Is there?

It may not be okay.  In that case, it may be time to re-evaluate at that point. It shouldn’t be a path that one is unable to change paths or walk back from.  But it is also may be okay. It might be even more okay.

I don’t have anything to lose. It’s time to fly.

Today, we finished the paperwork. Now all I have to do is play the waiting game for a few weeks.

Quoted excerpts from the  song “Breakaway“. Made famous by singer Kelly Clarkson. Written by Avril Lavigne, Bridget Benenate, Matthew Gerrard. Also in Princess Diaries 2. 

(I’m sure not from a small town – I want to go the other way, actually from big city to the country….but everything else is pretty spot on 😉

Another Year, Another Summer

Posted on By jennego

And so, summer is here.

It used to be a time of celebration.  No school. Fun field trips (I never took holidays…and evidently I may never will on a regular basis). As a teenager, hanging around the barn a little more often (I was never quite the barn rat – well, maybe I was for a few weeks before I got “laid off” lol). I was always more of a winter person though. I’m not sure why exactly but I never liked the heat all that much.

But now summer seems to mark the ending of another academic year. The academic year that never was.

What’s worse than a has-been? A never-been.

I’ve never been this. I’ve never been that. Each day is another exercise is nothingness. I feel like I’m in a never ending limbo. Suspended in a sea of mediocrity. Floating listlessly.

I wish for the sunny youth of summer. The innocence as bright as the sun’s strong rays. When the truth and the critic didn’t feel one and the same.

But now, summer just seems to mark another year, another year of nothing. So much so that anything else almost seems overwhelming, stuck  into the endless cycle of nothingness. Yet meanwhile, they children run, play and scream in joy. I stay inside, watching the time go by wordlessly.

Maybe I’ve always been like that. As a kid, I was always the dork that spent the summer reading in the reading room or swinging on the swing for hours. One summer I even taught myself how to “see” the images in the Magic Eye books – more or less (I found some worked better than others…though I’m not sure if I can still see them).

Maybe you’re not growing if what you’re doing doesn’t scare you. But fear is a powerful thing. It’s way easier to simply stay in the shadows rather then attempt to chase the golden light with all sort of barriers in the way.

And every summer it says the same, as if the summer was somehow another year new. Another school year. Another new year of learning. Of growing? But what does it mean when you feel that you barely learnt anything? What does it mean when you’re not sure if you grew that much, still stuck in your ways?

What does it mean when everything feels impossible and you’re not sure how you’re going to move forward? Maybe it’s just normal growing pains – the growing pains of transitions, of really growing up but it all feels like I’m flying towards the sun at full speed.

A Window to My Life

Posted on By jennego

This is what my life looks right now. This is the window to my future.

Everything ahead is a mass of blurred grey and other colours and the rain is all I see. The rain that never ceases.  The rain the blurs vision. The rain that just makes you wet, cold and grumpy.

I can’t see the future. The future that I imagined, the future that I dreamed for myself – is just that. A thought. A dream. No matter how big or small, realistic or unrealistic.  Meanwhile, nothing is moving. Or everything is moving. In both ways. Good and bad. All at the same time, perhaps erring more to the side of bad. As if it was slowing drifting there, somehow.

Things seemed poised for collapse. All see is rain. Washing away all that I wanted, all that I’ve loved. I don’t know if it can wash passion away. Perhaps I wished it can at some level, in a  way. That way, it’ll hurt way less to lose anything, everything when it all comes crashing down in a mudslide.

But things are easier to lose than to gain. It’s easier to criticize than praise. Dreams come so slow and can be transient, gone so fast that you’re not quite sure what replaced them. Optimism can quickly feel like false hope before it quickly descends to pessimism. It’s easier to destroy than to create. There’s more ways to die than to be born.

And still the window offers me nothing, but the distant hints of colour out there. I know there’s something perhaps, but there is no detail. No detail of whether it will be good or bad. Everything is a blur. Water drops obscures my view although I’m not quite sure if they are drops of rain, tears or both.

Maybe it’s alright to be worried that I’m going nowhere. Maybe it’s alright to be scared. Maybe it’s alright to have a looming sense of doom. Maybe it’s alright to feel desperate.

But I’m tired of it. I’m tired of all of this.

I’m desperate for change. Hungry to chase my dreams.  Hope that something good will happen to me and soon.

But I’m not too sure about that. The grey blur of pessimism lingers.

I want to know what’s beyond the window. I want to see that the skies are blue and maybe one day the dreams I may dare to dream, could somehow come true.

On the Cusp of Collapse and Coming Together

Posted on By jennego

Everything is of the verge of falling apart. And everything is on the verge of coming together.

But I feel the collapse imminent. It’s like what WILL happen if nothing happens. What will happen if I don’t stop it.  Somehow.

Yet, there’s hope of greater changes. I guess. Maybe one day soon, I’ll have a job (or two). Maybe one day soon, I can move out. Maybe one day soon, I can be more involved with horses and riding.

But I don’t know. There’s somehow that maybe the first two things may happen. But I don’t know when and I don’t know how.

I have been a bit more successful with the volunteer thing lately. I’m going to volunteer as a photographer this weekend. I did some things with a computer refurb/recycling organization. And most excitedly, I have volunteered with horses – for a few months in a therapuetic riding program and possibly in the future with a pony rescue. Granted most of these things are either not long termed and have not yet happened yet or both.

But I still feel like everything is about to fall apart. That there’s no horizon and the world is flipped on its head. I’ve been out of university for over 8 months and I haven’t done much. Meanwhile, it’s been an insane 7 years since I’ve graduated high school. How does that even happen? It feels like it was just a few years ago I was a schoolgirl wandering through the high school corridors. Time doesn’t explain it. It seems so fast.

And still I haven’t done much. I have completed a degree and that’s about it. Definitely not much to write home about for a 24 year old.  I feel like I’m getting older, that the time and the window for success is like somehow running out. I’m not quite sure where or how I got to the conclusion.

I guess I’m a results-orientated person. I might have been ambitious, had I had more success in…I don’t know, life?  Forcing things don’t always work. I know. That’s what riding has taught me….you can be so determined to “fix” something that everything winds up totally unravelling. But it’s what else do you do? Wait until they come to you? That approach doesn’t really work either, it seems.

Everything seems to be on the verge of falling apart, hanging by its last threads. A big part of it is uncertainty. It’s like I know everything is going to fall apart but I don’t know if anything or everything will come together. The hope is promising but I feel the imminent collapse is looming.

I haven’t even thought much of July yet, other than I hope that I get my crap together…for some reason July seems unplanned, devoid of anything and I just can’t really seem to think much beyond the first week or two of July at all.

I hope that things will work out. But I just don’t know.

I miss school. I miss horses (I haven’t ridden or seen horses in about 2 weeks). I’m tired of arguing at home about stupid things. I miss the structure that my life once had.

I had more in my mind, but somehow this was all I managed to write. Amazing.

Beyond the blinds

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It is languid in the last remaining whiffs of summer, free from the annual ritual of buying books and preparing for another semester of study. But I’m not languid. I feel stuck. stuck behind these binding blinds and stuck behind all the walls that hold me in.

Already I had someone from an employment centre give up on me because I have the social skills of a rock.

This wasn’t the plan. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. I was supposed to learn things, then get a job and then at least ride a horse with a bit more talent for low level dressage a few times per week . I would like to own a horse one day but I don’t think it’s going to happen while living in city.

I now want to be closer to horses, to feel their firm neck against me while I cry. Or just rake out the manure and shavings, at least you don’t really need to interact with people until someone starts fighting for the wheelbarrow.  But I’m in the city and my current situation doesn’t allow for me to work at the barn (lack of transportation, I don’t live close by, the barn is kind of obsessed with cleanliness and I don’t like blowers and my trainer no longer boards horses).

We are not getting younger. I’ll be 24 soon. “My” horse Czar is 26 and though is still sound, is getting arthritic. We are not getting younger. But I don’t seem to be moving anywhere either.

I feared that this will happen, that September will roll around and I’ll have nothing to do.
It did.

I feel like I’m going nowhere, stuck behind the blinds. The world outside is frightful, unknown. I don’t know where I’m going anymore. And I feel stuck, wedged in between the binds that hold me in.

Going nowhere.  Everything feels hopeless at the moment. And I’m not ready.

This is a Ride, Not a Fight

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Personal video Not a poetry or artsy video. Nor it is it particularly wonderful or artsy.

I haven’t made one of these for a whole. Taken 2012/2013. Was going to use this year only but didn’t have enough footage. Sorry about the jello vision in some of the newer clips, my mom doesn’t know how to use my camera and it was too complicated/I forgot to teach her to turn off the image stabilization during video at the time. Also somehow there is no video of my doing anything else besides walk/trot/canter….I do leg yield too! Eeeeh, that’s about it….

Music: Citywide Rodeo by The Weepies

Yes, I know I suck at lunging (still learning) and getting onto horses (no excuse for that, really…)

Horse: Czar (and one clip of Shorty)

Commentary/Rambling

I was originally going to use stuff from 2013 only but I didn’t have enough footage.

I don’t know. It so often feels that everything is a fight. A fight to the death – a fight for life, a fight to get what you want, a fight for everything and everybody. And everything seems so far away.

I often feel that I’m not good for anything. There doesn’t seem to be any particular skill I excel at. I suck at some thing and am okay at other. But just okay. Not great. Just okay.

Though I’ve been riding for about 11 years, it doesn’t feel like I’ve really…done anything I guess. I’m still the rider I was many years ago. Granted, yes, I’ve been riding school horses once per week for the last year but still. I haven’t jumped since around 2008, and never got that far anyway (I think I cantered 2′ courses for 2 months) as I don’t know anymore really. I was tired of failing. I like riding on the flat better anyway.  Less thrill, less spill (until you get chucked off) and a lovely way to put fixative qualities to use (other than freaking out).

I do hope that things will be great, will be just as imagined. But the just seem so far away that I….don’t know. But this is a ride, not a fight. There’s no need to resist right? But I feel like I’m clinging, desperately afraid that what is going to replace what I know would somehow be worse.  But this is a ride right? Put your heels down and ride straight, even though sometimes it’ll all go flying through the air again.

As for this fall and beyond? I’m trying not to think about it. I can overthink things until the cows come home (and then ride the cows). Tired of being stuck in places that I don’t seem to belong. Tired of bouncing off the walls. Tired of everyone being better, somehow.

But it’s also hard when you’re not even sure if there is a horsy future ahead. Horses are expensive. Collecting large quantities of monies is difficult – possibly impossible. I’ve never part-leased or leased period, yet alone owned for that reason. Sometimes everything seems impossible.

Anyway, I’ll shut up now.