On the Edge of the Unknown

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I couldn’t find an appropriate photo for this post (and don’t have enough inspiration to take one at the moment).

But yeah, I may have been more annoying than usual. I will admit that.

Lately, I’ve been edgy, impatient, more anxious then usual. I have a desire for instantaneous answers. As if I’m trying to secure some sort of certainty, trying desperately to tie peices of what I know to the trees with the prospecting hurricane of change.

This is me on the edge of the unknown. Filled with uncertainty, it feels like the end, even though people may assure me it’s a new beginning (although they actually haven’t thus far). I’m not sure. I don’t like change and someone has unleashed a hurricane on me. Oh I knew it was coming but didn’t think it’ll come this fast. I’m not longer quite sure who I am or what I’m good at or what I want. Everything feels impossible and so far away. As for me, I feel incapable and unwanted.

I feel so out of touch with everything and everyone. Most of my family seem to be on a planet far from my own. They don’t understand me or what I do or what I want to do. I feel so disconnected to them yet reliant. It’s not a good combo. I don’t really have friends. I have made zero friends in high school (maybe some loose acquaintances through) and I have certainly made zero friends in post secondary. While people talk about  the great social lives of high school and college/university, it can also be extremely isolating for someone with little to no social skills. I had more of a social life in elementary school.  By high school, my social life had died.  Now, I’m used to it being dead as I can’t imagine it any other way. If it’s activities where you make friends – well, I failed at that too (although I guess I made some loose acquaintances). Keep in mind that my loose acquaintance is very, very, very loose. It’s someone that I’ll know and the person will know me and I may exchange a few words (possibly a conversation but not required) but that it is. It is very, very, very loose, superficial but it’s at least a step up from pure alienation (I don’t know you and you don’t know me and we’ll all just ignore each other) which pretty much sums up my undergrad career.

I’m not sure about the horse thing, having attempting a sport that is way out of my league and class although maybe I just need to get a different side of it. It’s certainly not about the ribbons (I way prefer to ride more than show right now). There has been many disappointments in the realm, but I still love the feel of the horse underneath me (not on top, though I’ve been there too – avoid if possible) and the reaction when I find the “funny button” like a scratchy spot on the wither or wiggle of the muzzle (I’m not describing that well but it was so much fun) and the furry muzzles under my fingers (and on my face…yes, some bite…yes I generally know when they are going to bite). I’ve mostly given up big fantasies of showing, at least so I’ve gotten a little closer to earth in that way. I know I’ll never be an amazing rider or horse whisperer and my delusions of doing seem so mind-bogglingly naive .

I’m not naive anymore. I don’t want dreams to come crashing down again  or the flicker to gently peter out to the point that I shouldn’t care anymore (it doesn’t mean I don’t though). I had enough of that. The world is now a cynic’s world. The idealism of the future  – not just for me but the world as well has now faded.

But I don’t know how much longer it would be before everything will begin to unravel. When it would be clear that some things are dreams for another lifetime just like my family have hinted.  When everything falls apart, collapsing into a rubble of unfulfillable dreams.

Everything is spinning around, each piece of the wheel is threatening to break.

I’m at the edge of the unknown and I want to scream and cry and disappear (perhaps a wormhole will come…). There is too much happening. I want answers. I want a inkling of the known. I am lost and confused. I am also freaking out.

I don’t know where I am. I am wandering the deserted, dead landscape alone. I watch childhood innocence and idealistic dreams begin to smoke, desperately hoping it won’t alight. But the world is dark, cold. Everything is on the horizon. This is the event horizon. There is no going back. The days childhood have long past, even though I still essentially live like a teenager (that doesn’t mean I want to though but I don’t know any other way  and I can’t deal with it now with so many other unknown factors at the moment). But the bubble between youth and adulthood is about to be broken.

Somebody, please find me and take me back to the known. Or at least take me by the hand through the unknown.

I am terrified. (And edgy, anxious and about to freak out sooner than usual).

Yours to Choose

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Here’s a choice
pick this or choose to reboot
it will affect you
for awhile

influence your life
and maybe your
goals, dreams

But my gut says no
though I will wonder

that maybe it’ll be
than the other choice

but I don’t know
cannot know

Standing at crossroads
“it’s yours to choose”
I know

Mulling will only make it
I know that too

But I don’t want to dive
into this
it’s like picking a horse
to keep for awhile

making sure it’s
sound, safe and you don’t
hate each other
(even better if you like
one another)

but most of all
is the right one
for you

Just a quick poem reflecting some of the overriding thoughts in my life right now (yes, it’s purposely sort of vague. If you personally know me, you may know what exactly what it’s referring to). No, I’m sadly not buying a horse though.  And if I ever buy a unicorn horse (as unlikely that seems right now), unless I am buying a horse I leased…I have a feeling it will take forever too.

Chain of Decisions

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I don’t really like decisions.  What paths to take and which directions to go are one thing. But the outcomes of those paths and potential repercussions are so much more. Who is to know how one path can be better than the other if one has not travelled on both, waltzed along on both and seen the endings and forks they lead to? But no one knows that. No one can see all the potential universes of  “may-bes”, “could-bes” and “what-ifs” .  All we can do from our place in the universe is to turn around and look at where we have been and what was.  We can look at what we have done with hindsight or amazement or both. We can look all the way into the beginning of the universe – back to the start of time as we know it (or at least the early universe anyway – so shortly after the beginning of time, ignoring all the other possibilities for now).

This is where we are from. This is where we are now. But the future? It seems to be untouchable, inconceivable. It also seems so far away even though it’s much closer than the incredibly distant ancient stars, now dead but so far that they are still shining to our telescopes.

But here I am. And here I will be soon. Gazing at the paths that stretch and fork endlessly into the barren distance.  Still, I don’t know where I should go, what should I choose or where should I be.  Or where I will be – regardless if it was right or wrong or somewhere in the “meh” middle.

Even at age seven (or maybe eight), I thought about how every action is linked to another and what would happened if I did just one action in the chain differently.  It was long before I learned about alternate universities and such (I think? Maybe I subconsciously learned the concept then…who knows?), but still, a part of the young me  wondered how many different directions could I go, just from the choice of one action earlier in the day. I then thought about all the other actions in my day. Then I concluded that the possibilities resulting from a choice of every decision would be incredible and stopped thinking about it before my little mind got a headache.

Weird nerdy kid? Yeah, I probably was. I thought that during lunchtime in the lunch room. Weird mind games is what you do if you have little connection to others in the world you live in.

The chain of decisions is incredible, inextricably linked, forever bonded, entangled and entwined – one to the other and the other and the other. Of course it’s not the Great Chain of Being per se, but I can totally see how people could come up with that.  It’s impossible to isolate things and everything is some sort of response to or a result, directly or indirectly of a previous decision – good or bad, intentional or unintentional, major or minor, your own decision or someone else’s (or both).

To choose this or that. I hesitate, and think, overthink – about the endless webs of paths and the implications for today and tomorrow, simultaneously filling me with awe and horror.   “I don’t know” I mumble.

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I don’t know.”

And I really don’t know – not really. I know sometimes you have to trust what you want, even though it feels that you’re about to fall into the dark oblivion. Sometimes, one has just act with the burning faith and hope it burns brightly enough that you won’t get lost or lose yourself completely.  But it’s hard. It’s easier to pace at the fork of paths – milling and mulling, doing everything but going forward. I know fear shouldn’t be the deciding factor…but it is. Oh it is, indeed. The fear of making the wrong decision. The fear of going down creating a link to a chain that you should rather not have and down a road you shouldn’t have taken.  And finally, the fear of the unknown.

In other words, I don’t know…or sometimes, I do know but I don’t trust myself enough to believe it, always questioning.

It’s just easier not to know, I suppose. It’s easier not to boldly choose a path and then wonder why you went down it many steps later or come running back to where you first came, if that is at all possible. Moreover, it’s safer not to know. It’s easier at least.

But doing nothing doesn’t get you anywhere. I would still inhabit the same space of nothingness as the world spins furiously around me. That I do know.

I don’t want that nothingness. I’m tired of stagnancy.

But I also don’t want to leap haphazardly into something that I don’t feel is right, that I keep questioning and I somehow feel that it isn’t really where I should go.  That it isn’t the right door. That the right doors will come later. Maybe. Or maybe not. (For some reason, the doors are red in my head. I’m not sure why.)

Arrgh. Decisions, decisions….

Analysis paralysis indeed.