Falling over the giant step

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I did it.
Last week I just tried taking one of the seemingly huge metaphorical steps. And sort of crashed through it.

But my coping skills are relatively low and I struggled to keep myself sane during that time. I spent the last last half of the previous week fretting about a possibility (the phone possibility), the first half of that week freaking out and the last half of that week in some sort of weird zone.

After that , it was like my brain melted and I couldn’t deal with anymore anxiety. At all. Plans for Saturday fell apart when I flatly refused to go beyond my comfort zone because I couldn’t deal with it anymore even if it was taking the bus for a bunch of extra unknown stops.

I didn’t think I was ready. For many, it was no secret that I was not ready. And surprise, I wasn’t ready!

Frames Film Project also ended. However, through the 10 week program, it wasn’t until the 9th week (editing weekend) that I started to feel part of the group. I’ve heard that they did a 8 month intake once and everyone found it too long but I think I would have done better in that. I will be returning in some way though….

Okay, I’m still not quite there when it comes to group work. So many years alone has made it incredibly difficult to connect.

I’m on the ground, lying by the staircase I just completely fell over. Again. I don’t know what to do anymore. Interviews are too overwhelming. Phones are overwhelming. Groups are overwhelming until I know anyone (which may not be for a while). But most of all, I cannot seem to move a single step.

Breaking Away

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Well, not literal wars, thankfully. More like imagined ones to me.

The last two weeks have been crazy. It all started on July 25 with a splat with my employment service. Initially, it started with a dispute about paying for a criminal record check BEFORE anything was or is secured (I have still yet to hear back about that one by the way and I’m STILL peeved about that!!) and just just spiraled out of control from there. Things were already sort of going not so well and it just got worse. In the end, I had little faith in them and things clashed. I know that believe differently but it felt like I was grilled and then ejected out. I haven’t been back since. Now I’m trying to figure things out.

In some ways I’ve been here before and I think I’ve chosen right.  Last year I switched agencies and workers. That worked quite well.

I’ve been out of school for almost 1 whole year and I’m still not employed in any way, I’m haven’t done any work experince or internships, I am still living at home, I’m still barely able to ride (I’m lucky if I get my weekly lesson) and generally, I feel like I haven’t achieved anything. Which is not totally true but it feels like it.

True, I’ve only been with them for 9 months, so not even a year. But I don’t feel like it’s working and I need a job. One can make an entire human being in 9 months but not any sort of job for me?

It’s time for a change I think.  My logic is questioning it but my gut feels that it’s necessary. I don’t think I’m going to go much further doing what I’ve already been doing.

I guess it’s time to breakaway.

I’ll spread my wings and I’ll learn how to fly
I’ll do what it takes til’ I touch the sky
And I’ll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

I think I need to breakaway from that employment program

I don’t know where this road will go and I don’t know if it will be any better than before. But at least then, I’ll know that I tried.

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don’t know where they’ll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

No matter what, I need to keep moving on even when I don’t know what’s at the end. I need to not lose sight of my dreams but it’s hard when it feels like all your walking into walls. But I generally know what I want in general, I just have no idea how to achieve those things. I can’t predict what’s at the end of the road. Nor can anyone. But ultimately, one must submit to pure, informed but unsubstantiated belief that everything is going to be okay. Even though there’s no way of knowing.

But that’s okay. It has to be. There isn’t any other way. Is there?

It may not be okay.  In that case, it may be time to re-evaluate at that point. It shouldn’t be a path that one is unable to change paths or walk back from.  But it is also may be okay. It might be even more okay.

I don’t have anything to lose. It’s time to fly.

Today, we finished the paperwork. Now all I have to do is play the waiting game for a few weeks.

Quoted excerpts from the  song “Breakaway“. Made famous by singer Kelly Clarkson. Written by Avril Lavigne, Bridget Benenate, Matthew Gerrard. Also in Princess Diaries 2. 

(I’m sure not from a small town – I want to go the other way, actually from big city to the country….but everything else is pretty spot on 😉