Of Christmas Past

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So, now at New Years Eve, Christmas is over once again.

I used to like Christmas. I used to eagerly await the decorations, the lights, the stockings, the presents and fervently wish for snow where the green Christmas is the norm. But now it seems that Christmas just another day, perhaps another family gathering at the most.

I have memories of decorating the Christmas tree a few weeks before Christmas – hauling that increasingly ancient fake tree with permanent tinsel, putting it together and than decorating haphazardly with  blinking and non-blinking lights, actual decorations and ugly childhood  decorations. I have even fonder memories of sitting in my grandparents’ living room staring at the Christmas tree aglow, mesmerized. (Although I had a phase when I didn’t like any blinking lights and my dad managed to get the star to stop blinking for me).

But it’s all over now.

We don’t personally have a tree or anything even though I wanted one for years.

None of my grandmothers’ places (one for 24th and 25th) had holiday decor of any kind. On Christmas day, I also got to listen to my cousin’s list of grievance (well, just one grievance,, really, repeatedly)

The magic has gone. That’s for sure. I no longer hear the bells ring. I no longer am fascinated by the lights.

It’s just another day.

It wouldn’t surprise me if I just became another day – my family ties are not the strongest and the likelihood of me gaining a close friend ore something is low. For my mom’s  side of the family at least, it’s like they might as well not exist.

I still want a damn Christmas Tree. I want to put purple lights on it and decorate it with my horsy ornaments and such.

It is that Time of Year

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Or at at least was.

Christmas used to be a special time, a magical time. Something to look forward every year. A tradition. But time has passed, the mystique eroded and the traditions came to an end. It used to be the “thing” every year, we’ll go to my grandma house to prepare the tree and on Christmas day, set out the toys we pull out every year including the Rudolph stuffie I got when I was four (where is that thing now, anyway?) open stockings, presents, mingle with family, push a giant snowball across the street with my cousin (okay, so that was one year)…  I remember being a young child, transfixed by the lights.  But that was Christmas. And then it ended. My grandparents sold their house and my grandma retired from christmas. Since then, Christmas Day….well, it hasn’t been that much. But this is the first year that Christmas Day has had relatively absolutely nothing.

We have no Christmas tree.  I’ve begged for years but still the house is unadorned by Christmas, as if the Christmas magic has left here long ago. The bells no longer have their ring.

Of course, it didn’t help matters that I was more or less sick this Christmas thanks to my mom so my nose has been feeling like an never-ending well of snot.  (By the way: a cold is NOT a great gift) and lately I haven’t had the motivation to do much hence the lack of of all projects. I still have to modify my other site for mobile and I haven’t even done that! I took out my pen tablet….but I can’t think of anything to draw. I’ve been mostly lying in bed most of the week – either playing with my phone or sleeping. Ugh.

Another year has passed. I can’t believe it. Maybe next year will be more Christmasy. Maybe next year will have more Christmas Cheer. Maybe next year I will get a pony…okay, maybe not…I think I will need to buy my own damn pony lol but it’s in the plan. Some people dream and plan of getting a house and a dream and plan of getting a pony (or horse) ha!

Anyway, today is Christmas but it might as well be any other day. The magic is elusive. But I think it’s somewhere, just hiding, not obliterated.



Merry Christmas….or Sickmas I should say. Or whatever it’s left of it.

Here’s a few Christmas/Winter Songs for the heck of it…y I’m on a minor Hem obsession at the moment (sorry people on mobile, not sure if it will work…go here instead)….just to be a bit more festive (never mind that most these songs are original Christmasy or Wintery songs by indie artists…plus the internet Christmas classic, creative-commons licensed Chiron Beta Prime lol).

I might do a music post later. I’ve been meaning to anyway…

Not Thankful for Places I Don’t Belong

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It’s thanksgiving.

But I don’t feel very thankful. I don’t feel thankful for the friends that I don’t have,  the pets that I don’t have, the family that can’t or won’t understand me, the walls I keep hitting or the places I hoped to be a places of belonging, just more places of unbelonging.

Ask me for my thanks when I’m happier.