Is this the right Path? Or am I wasting my time?

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Sometimes you need to stop and figure out what you are doing, where are you are going and how to get there and then realize you may need to change paths.

It feels like I’m wasting my time, wasting my life for now TWO whole semesters. That’s 8 months. I have done nothing in those 8 months. Well, pretty darn close to nothing when you consider all the volunteer things I may have tried but have not really come through.

I had the feeling that this path may be premature to start with, which is why I originally planned on going back to school right away. But there were other issues with that and I couldn’t get it together. Other forces were pushing for the job thing.  So I tried the job route. There was some promise, but ultimately it feels like it hasn’t been working out. Maybe I’ll admit that I can be part of the blame too – somehow, I’m sure, in my unwillingness to change. I don’t know what to do about that. I think my net is wide enough (writing AND all digital media + publishing) but maybe it isn’t.

Besides, based on today it seems like nearly everyone is either mad with me, annoyed with me or scared of me. Yes, seriously on the last one. I’m barely 5′ on  a good day with shoes on and the hairdresser (as I found out today) and my family doctor is scared of me (for immunizations) because they can’t handle the reactions (if I were a horse I’ll be one of those “explosive reactive” types).

I’m still waiting for replies on two potentially significant volunteer positions. But I don’t know if that’ll ever happen. Maybe I weirded them out too much already. Maybe I’m not worthy enough. I don’t know.

I’m not sure if this road is worth pursuing  right now or at least worth pursuing solely on it’s own. I’ve also thought about pursuing a barn job or work exchange arrangement more seriously to secure riding and horses in my life, but to be honest I’m not sure if I’m good enough and I’m not sure if anyone will be willing to start me off slow or not.

So today, I’m considering going back to school again. I am not willing to waste another year doing nothing. When I’m in school, I can still be searching for work and even work part-time and many programs have internships.  Aside from the fact that the program I want is of course currently full (registration is almost a year in advance so I knew that) and the other, similar (and cheaper) program at another school has been axed. So I don’t even know what I would do anyway.

I feel like I’m at the end of this road. There’s nothing here. Time to go back to another road… Unless that changes soon.  Yep, I’ve hit a valley….

ETA: Apparently this was or the title was “hilariously inappropriate” as a screenshot for blog portion of my portfolio

The Social Hoops of Interviewing

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I’ve really only had one or two mock interviews but it feels like I’m being dragged through these social hoops I’m somehow supposed to jump through. Except I don’t. I trip and stumble through them and miss a whole bunch of them. I am clumsy at navigating this space and nothing wants to move. My timing is off and I could hear the hoops clattering to the ground.

In other words, it’s awkward.

I tried a mock interview today but it was slightly hampered by my lack of good mood (I had a headache. I thought it would go away overnight but I woke up in the morning and it was still there!). Oh and plus a somewhat misplace of humour.

Okay, maybe you can try to lighten the mood but the way I did it probably won’t work either – which is to be extremely, hilariously blunt (to be fair, I thought it was funny as did the mock interviewer). What else I was supposed to say on the spot? My thoughts stop so I couldn’t make anything up (which would likely be some other snarky comment…so maybe it’s just as well) and it’s hard when the job in question is basically your nightmare.

It didn’t help that the job that we were pretending to do this with is totally not the job for me. It’s almost along the lines of “my worst nightmare” which is customer service and banking, combined! Ugh. (Although my dislike of banks probably has more to do with my association with them which always involves my mom forcing me to do something). I am not the one for customer service and every time customer service approaches me, I start walking away!  If it’s an writing-based setting (online chat, answering emails, letters etc) than that could be a possibly. But face to face customer service and dealing with the general public? I’m not sure how long that would last….

But right now, I feel like I don’t really have the skills to back up my lack of social skills. Temple Grandin recommends to keep a portfolio of work because our personalities will not sell (and that is how she got her jobs). As she notes here

What you have to do is sell your skills rather than yourself. I’m a big believer in making portfolios. Make a nice portfolio of some of your very best coding. People are going to look at that and say ‘wow, that’s really good coding’.

That’s something I’ve had to do my whole life– I mean, I sold jobs by sending out a portfolio of drawings and pictures of jobs i have designed. I sell my work rather than myself.

– Temple Grandin, transcript from Oct 2002

While I am very fortunate that my fields of interest are portfolio based, I do not have the body of work and I don’t feel like I have the skill to completely sell myself based on that. Not yet anyway. I will try to continue to work on my portfolios but I’ll probably still have to hoop hop.

So I suppose it’s back to the hoop hopping. Even though I cannot seem to pick my feet up in time. Even though I feel like I’m knocking down a bunch of hoops that I didn’t even know was there. Even though it feels so incredibly unnatural. Even though it goes against my inclinations.

Gah!! I know, I know, first world problems…but I just don’t know how that’s going to happen since it’s so against my nature…

Floating and Sinking

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One day you’re floating. As if everything can come true. As if wishes were horses to canter along the clouds. To scoop you up and fly you to all that you ever wanted.

The next day you’re sinking. You feel the undertow dragging you down, lost in the dark water and caught drowning in the undertow. Wondering what it felt like to breathe. Again.

I’m not sure what I’m doing. Not sure what I’m here for. That all of my dreams are silly, that they’ll never come true. That it’s pointless to dream of my dressage pony (or other equid) near where I live, of where I cannot escape, that I seem to be  ineradicably stuck to thus far. Despite my pastoral longings, I am stuck in the city where my self bounces against the walls longing for greener pastures. To be at least closer to horses. Yet I dream of a place close to where we’ll attempt dressage  some days and play on the woods other days.

Some days are hazy, whereas others I can see the dim light in the fog. But it’s like I’m living in a hazy water and nothing seems real. I don’t know what I’m doing, suspended in the thick water .

I’m done school but I’m stuck. I don’t have the social skills for most programs…or jobs it seems. Having come from nearly an entirely academic education, I feel that I don’t really have many employable skills either. Although I have it fairly narrowed down now (writing/digital or new media), I’m not that quite sure what I want to do. Some days I want to be a content or copy writer/web editor and other days, I want to be a front-end developer (though I don’t really have the skills. JavaScript? Ugh!). Some days I’m not convinced that I’m good at anything.

Things move fast but the right things seem to move slow. Too slow.

And I drift in the undercurrents, waiting for something. Waiting for dreams, that I’m not sure will hold. Waiting for a future that I so want but seems impossible now. Waiting, waiting.

I’m not always quite sure if I’m waiting for anything.

All hobbies and no day jobs

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There are things, many thing that I enjoy doing. I like making stuff. I like making attempts at nearly all forms of digital media even though I don’t know what I’m doing much the time. I like making websites (and blogs, although I find WordPress much harder to customize because I don’t know PHP). I like making videos.  I like taking photos of anything but people and drawing/digital painting (although I’m not very good at any). I like writing poetry and creative non-fiction.

But I can’t see myself doing any of these for a living. It’s not like I don’t think it’s possible (okay, being a full-time non-performing poet…that probably isn’t possible especially if you want a pony like me) or that I don’t like it or anything like that.

It’s because I don’t think I’m good enough (for my own/others creative projects). Or alternatively for commercial projects, I can’t imagine working with clients. (Because I am not a nice or friendly person….or some think anyway as well as myself).

Do I think I’m a good writer? It seems to depend on the day. Do I think I’m a good designer or artist – often not, especially there’s a huge gap between my internal vision and what I actually end up with (though that may be more of a technical lack of skills though since I was never taught how to use the software).

What about being a blogger? The things I write don’t have mass appeal (clearly, according to my stats…which I swear is usually just me….I just use the stats from WordPress.com/Jetpack). I have very little traffic on this blog. Very little.

My other things don’t fare so well either. I have hardly any traffic on any of my videos or really, anything really. Besides, I don’t make things that a wide audience likes. I’m not a good internet personality. I don’t have a comic or anything (if I did it would probably be about ponies, and not the my little pony kind. Maybe dressage ponies hahaha!)

I like hiking and horses (and ponies) too. But I know those will always be a hobby. I suck at everything with horses (aside from petting noses) it seems sometimes….sigh. I don’t know about my stance with horses. Yes, it’s madly expensive and dangerous but it seems like I’ve been riding too long (10 years) to give it up now. As if they have become part of me, somehow.

I want a pony when I grow up. I said it like I’m 5. I wish I was kidding…. (or a horse or something in-between…but I do fit at least large ponies.) I think I need to get out of this insanely expensive city! It’s just not going to happen here.

Also, it doesn’t help that pretty much all my hobbies are expensive. Like horses. And media arts…with the hardware and if you were to be fully legal and use all the fancy software (Adobe creative cloud is $50/month and that’s very well worth it if you earn income from it, but not for the hobbyist that might crack out an Adobe CS program or two or three a few times per month for personal projects!)….and upgrades as technology marches on and….and not to mention, equipment (have you seen prices for good cameras? –  DSLR, Mirrorless Interchangeable Lens Cameras/ and Professional Compacts all cost an arm and an leg….in some cases a limb for the body and limbs for the lenses  Ha!) and….I don’t know about anything. My hobbies also include living and being in existence. Good hobby eh? When living is NOT a hobby and living becomes a job, then there may be a problem…(slavery anyone?).

Anyway that’s my first world rant for today.

I am full of existential dread at the moment.

I have lots of hobbies. Unfortunately, I either suck at them or they are just plan not lucrative.