Tag: journey

Falling over the giant step

Posted on By jennego

I did it.
Last week I just tried taking one of the seemingly huge metaphorical steps. And sort of crashed through it.

But my coping skills are relatively low and I struggled to keep myself sane during that time. I spent the last last half of the previous week fretting about a possibility (the phone possibility), the first half of that week freaking out and the last half of that week in some sort of weird zone.

After that , it was like my brain melted and I couldn’t deal with anymore anxiety. At all. Plans for Saturday fell apart when I flatly refused to go beyond my comfort zone because I couldn’t deal with it anymore even if it was taking the bus for a bunch of extra unknown stops.

I didn’t think I was ready. For many, it was no secret that I was not ready. And surprise, I wasn’t ready!

Frames Film Project also ended. However, through the 10 week program, it wasn’t until the 9th week (editing weekend) that I started to feel part of the group. I’ve heard that they did a 8 month intake once and everyone found it too long but I think I would have done better in that. I will be returning in some way though….

Okay, I’m still not quite there when it comes to group work. So many years alone has made it incredibly difficult to connect.

I’m on the ground, lying by the staircase I just completely fell over. Again. I don’t know what to do anymore. Interviews are too overwhelming. Phones are overwhelming. Groups are overwhelming until I know anyone (which may not be for a while). But most of all, I cannot seem to move a single step.

Harbinger, Tell Me

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every day
breeds a new day
closer to the void
to the storm

Harbinger,
what did you bring?

everyone says to me
“everything will be alright”
how would you know?
how would I know?
that it’ll all sweep away?

Harbinger,
what do you say?

A Sonnet to Solitude

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You surround me, all around
in this empty, lingering space
without so much as a sound
and never will I know your face

You follow me through the doorway
past the coat hangers and garden gate
following me as I walk along this way
pondering about existential fate

I run into the thicket, calm and serene
with you – hand in hand
even though you are still unseen
I know you’ll understand

But sometimes all I see is monotone
and I wonder why I’m here all alone

Note: I wrote this as part of a set of 4 fixed poems for a class. However, this is the only one that I actually like (the other ones suck). This is a Shakespearean Sonnet for those not in the know.

Orbiting

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Does anyone mean as they mean?
Maybe some things are as they seem
but you keep looking for hidden meanings
desperate for something other than what things seem

You’re not happy here, are you?

(Fabled fantasies, faded photographs, fear of failure
shedded tears, silly lists, shredded papers
you pack it all up and carry it as you wander on
creeping darkness to concrete)

Would you run into orbit if you can?
You run and try to fly but no one gives you a hand
it’s not that there’s no one there it’s just that there’s
no one who understands

Still, you take a step and blast away
climb the sky and pace around the planet
what did the moon say?
what did the stars say?
the day you became a satellite
orbiting

(They said little but smiled
in the way that moons and stars
can smile to you
reflecting, radiating light so amazing
your eyes in awe at such a sight)

You’re still running around alone in circles but
now you can see the world that you were supposedly from
a blue-brown-green marvel, trimmed with white clouds
and here, there’s no borders, no buildings, no bombs
as it spins, gliding through space
on its marry way

(You’ll rather dance upon the milky way
and stay here in orbit for many more a day
you don’t want to go back down to the ground
since you’ve never belonged there anyway
even though you’ve tried to pretend)

But it feels like you’re burning up like a shooting star
you can’t feel the difference between air and land
everything is numb, cold under the starless sky
you swallow hard, you’re sitting back on the earthly ground
teary-eyed, since though you know you have gone so far

You get on your feet and walk into the now foreign landscape
everyone who you once knew are now strangers in the dark
you knew it’ll be lonely, but didn’t think it’ll be so stark
but maybe you’ll go somewhere now, instead of pacing endlessly in circles
orbiting the room

But you don’t
too scared to choose a path
thinking of the possible aftermath
so you’re still grounded
orbiting
ready to take off again

Notes:

Did the orbiting really happen in the context of the poem? I’ll leave it up for you to decide 😉 hahaha

If you’ve gotten here through my Facebook post. No you’re not seeing things, I DID edit that stanza when you weren’t looking!