Existing: Rhythms of Days

Posted on

Each day leads to the another day, seamlessly flowing into another as time somehow marches by.

That used to disturb me.  It used to bother me that I was getting older (I’m now 25) but not really achieving anything. I still live at home. I’m still not independent. Forget a career, I never had a job ever and well….I don’t know. I still don’t know how I’m going to afford my expensive hobbies (why expensive hobbies?! Grrr!). But for the time being, I guess it is not meant to be….

Those things haven’t changed. They haven’t changed at all. But I’m somehow less disturbed by it. I’ve found steps towards change way too overwhelming.

How could someone be so utterly unready for just about anything? I don’t know but somehow I managed to do just that.

The desperation for progress has been replaced by apathy? I don’t know.

I’ve been here before. In a way. But it’s different this time. It’s like the opposite of last time in (in 2008 which was a completely different situation but also a time of transition in some ways) so many, many ways except the end result in the same: living in a state of mere apathetic existence. It took me a few years to finally get out of that last time but I had no support at the time. Fortunately, my life was fairly structured at the time and I had no need to grow.

I’m finding it difficult to do anything else, anything beyond the confines of what I deem comfortable. I know I SHOULD do something but I don’t actually want to do anything. I don’t really know why exactly. But it is.  I barely leave home.

As if all the issues bubbling under, on and above the surface came back to haunt me big time. It feels like I could create barriers to run into by just breathing. Seriously.

Just my presence seems to throw any seemingly straightforward plan into complete disarray! Usually when I fail to do something…I don’t know. It often ends with me freaking out to some extent or whatever.

My days pass: pacing, sleeping, existing.

Somewhere in-between. It’s a familiar place for me. I’ve always struggled to find anywhere for me, trapped between worlds. Neither low-functioning to have a lot of services or programs yet unable to cope with the “real world” (either I don’t have the social skills or I’m not independent enough/find it too overwhelming or all of the above).

I am not sure when I’ll exist the funk (or if, but oh god I hope I do…this kinda sucks 🙁 ).

Things are slowly getting better. Things are slowly solidifying. I’m starting to find things to grasp onto, that I’ll hopefully keep holding onto even as the storm passes. Horses have been good. I somehow manage keep my shit together when on or around a horse even though I can’t seem to do it in just about anything else. I’ve even manage to ride little issues out like a real rider on a real horse  instead of freaking out myself – despite the fact that I’m kind of losing it in all other aspects of my simultaneously wonderfully and horribly stagnant life.

But horses are expensive. And hard to get to.  So I can’t ride that much :-(. But for now it’s enough to keep me sane, keep me grounded. I am increasingly starting to think that if it wasn’t for horses, I would have completely lost it by now.  Even though I am struggling with various issues (some of them a little larger than I thought…) now, I still have some motivation to move froward. Without horses, I’m not sure if I would have that.

Too many things end with me freaking out. No wonder I’m drawn to the masters of freaking out: horses. :-P. To be fair, it’s pretty hard to freak and run away when the horse under you is doing it for you, pretty much! (Although I seem to be able to keep my shit together with horses this time around which wasn’t the case in 2008. Like I said, opposite.  In 2008, wasn’t freaking out about the rest of my non-horsy life – I just didn’t care despite that I did decide that the canter was suddenly scary for no reason…and I didn’t care much.).

I’ve also gotten stuck in a cycle of procrastinating too…

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just stuck in general…..

For now I still few like a lost child. Except I’m a grown-up that can’t seem to do any grown-up things at the moment….

Falling over the giant step

Posted on

I did it.
Last week I just tried taking one of the seemingly huge metaphorical steps. And sort of crashed through it.

But my coping skills are relatively low and I struggled to keep myself sane during that time. I spent the last last half of the previous week fretting about a possibility (the phone possibility), the first half of that week freaking out and the last half of that week in some sort of weird zone.

After that , it was like my brain melted and I couldn’t deal with anymore anxiety. At all. Plans for Saturday fell apart when I flatly refused to go beyond my comfort zone because I couldn’t deal with it anymore even if it was taking the bus for a bunch of extra unknown stops.

I didn’t think I was ready. For many, it was no secret that I was not ready. And surprise, I wasn’t ready!

Frames Film Project also ended. However, through the 10 week program, it wasn’t until the 9th week (editing weekend) that I started to feel part of the group. I’ve heard that they did a 8 month intake once and everyone found it too long but I think I would have done better in that. I will be returning in some way though….

Okay, I’m still not quite there when it comes to group work. So many years alone has made it incredibly difficult to connect.

I’m on the ground, lying by the staircase I just completely fell over. Again. I don’t know what to do anymore. Interviews are too overwhelming. Phones are overwhelming. Groups are overwhelming until I know anyone (which may not be for a while). But most of all, I cannot seem to move a single step.

Letting it Go

Posted on

Ok, I will admit it. I cannot let things go. Things that annoy me that is or just conflict in general.

It just sit there and irks me until….it stops I guess. I seem to just hang onto mistakes and am seemingly unable to let the damn thing go. It’s hard to let things go and if the other person doesn’t let it go, then it will just linger there. Awkwardly.

It gets stuck in my head. I cannot seem to forget it. I’m likely if I can think about anything else.

I am also terrible at arguments. I seem to lose them all and just be incredibly peeved after.

It’s like my head is a giant catch-all or something.

I’m still feeling awkward about the giant explosion I had with my then-employment agency two months ago!

How do you forget? It’s like unseeing something. Or unreading something. Or unthinking something. It’s rather hard!

Some 50 thoughtful questions (and my answers)

Posted on

Wanted to do some random questions  so I found this one. From: www.marcandangel.com/2009/07/13/50-questions-that-will-free-your-mind/

  1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
    16? I feel like a teenager.
  2. Which is worse, failing or never trying?
    Failing. Although I know it should be the latter but in actuality, failing. I am terrified of failing!
  3. If life is so short, why do we do so many things we don’t like and like so many things we don’t do?
    Money and expectations. People get caught in the grind of life. It’s hard to do things we like when we don’t seem to have the means.
  4. When it’s all said and done, will you have said more than you’ve done?
    Probably especially since I’m a rambling, ranting writer…..
  5. What is the one thing you’d most like to change about the world?
    Be less money driven, less greedy. It seems to cause just about ALL problems of the world – name a major problem (environmental, social etc)  and I bet that money is part of it.
  6. If happiness was the national currency, what kind of work would make you rich?
    Horseback riding :-), maybe photography and I don’t know…wandering around in the forest? LOL. Maybe film-making or something like that. Something artsy.
  7. Are you doing what you believe in, or are you settling for what you are doing?
    I am trying to do what I believe in but I will not be able to fully realize that in the near future as long as I live at home. So I guess I’m settling for what I’m doing…but one CAN do and what one WANTS to do can be two completely different things.
  8. If the average human life span was 40 years, how would you live your life differently?
    I would hope to have done more by now but I’m not sure if I would have changed anything. Maybe take more courses at the same time….?
  9. To what degree have you actually controlled the course your life has taken?
    As much as I could – or not. Somewhat but not all that much I would say. I tend to wait until things take me places or reach a crisis…whichever comes first. I’m currently deciding on some major life directions too….
  10. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things?
    Doing things right because there’s lots of stupid humanity-related things I don’t believe but will have to if I want get anywhere since “doing the right things” is kind of vague.
  11. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire.  They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she is your friend.  The criticism is distasteful and unjustified.  What do you do?
    I don’t know.  (Social skills suck)
  12. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
    I don’t know? Don’t let others define you. (Although I don’t always stay true to that one either).
  13. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
    Depends if I’m with others. On my own, unlikely (sorry).
  14. Have you ever seen insanity where you later saw creativity?
    No. But I can see creativity where others see insanity.
  15. What’s something you know you do differently than most people?
    Everything. No, but I like to believe I think differently and have a different perspective on things.
  16. How come the things that make you happy don’t make everyone happy?
    They don’t understand the feeling, the sensation.
  17. What one thing have you not done that you really want to do?  What’s holding you back?
    One thing…hmm…  More like many things but the biggest barrier at the moment are social skills or lack thereof.
  18. Are you holding onto something you need to let go of?
    Yes. ALL conflicts. I can’t seem to mentally let go of ANY conflict so they just seem clog in my head for way too long while I am amazed how people move on like nothing happened.
  19. If you had to move to a state or country besides the one you currently live in, where would you move and why?
    I would like to move somewhere that would be financially more viable for me to own a horse. I would be interested in moving to a different town/city, possibly a different province. I doubt I will leave the country but if I do it will probably be another English-speaking country or something…Europe would be the most “exotic” I guess (and they have horses!).
  20. Do you push the elevator button more than once?  Do you really believe it makes the elevator faster?
    YES YES!!! No.
  21. Would you rather be a worried genius or a joyful simpleton?
    Worried genius.  I’m always worried, so why not become a genius too 😉
  22. Why are you, you?
    Still figuring that out…
  23. Have you been the kind of friend you want as a friend?
    Probably not. Dunno. Don’t really have much friends. Not a priority for me. My priorities will be my job and equestrian pursuits.
  24. Which is worse, when a good friend moves away, or losing touch with a good friend who lives right near you?
    Hypothetically (because I don’t really have friends), it would be the latter because you might run into the good friend who you lost touch with and it will be awkward. Or I think it will be awkward. Maybe not…
  25. What are you most grateful for?
    Literacy, access to technology and my opportunities to ride horses, relatively few as they are.
  26. Would you rather lose all of your old memories, or never be able to make new ones?
    Lose all memories as I want to make new ones.  (I would also love to get rid of all the negative memories so they aren’t floating around being annoying).
  27. Is is possible to know the truth without challenging it first?
    Not really. You can believe the truth without challenging but that’s not the same as knowing.
  28. Has your greatest fear ever come true?
    Right now to an extent. I graduated 1 year ago and I have no solid plans for anything….
  29. Do you remember that time 5 years ago when you were extremely upset?  Does it really matter now?
    No. I guess not.
  30. What is your happiest childhood memory?  What makes it so special?
    Christmas as a young child. Everyone was together. Conflict was minimal. Everything was possible. The future wasn’t scary.
  31. At what time in your recent past have you felt most passionate and alive?
    When I ride a horse?
  32. If not now, then when?
  33. If you haven’t achieved it yet, what do you have to lose?
    Not much I guess.  But yet I feel like I’m constantly lowering my expectations so they wouldn’t seem so “far out” and unlikely. It’s like I don’t know the difference between realistic and pessimistic.
  34. Have you ever been with someone, said nothing, and walked away feeling like you just had the best conversation ever?
  35. Why do religions that support love cause so many wars?
    Overly rigid narratives and beliefs. Too much belief and differing beliefs.
  36. Is it possible to know, without a doubt, what is good and what is evil?
    No. It’s not that black and white.
  37. If you just won a million dollars, would you quit your job?
    I don’t have a job to quit but I guess I could stop looking for one so intently.
  38. Would you rather have less work to do, or more work you actually enjoy doing?
    More work I enjoy.
  39. Do you feel like you’ve lived this day a hundred times before?
    OMG YES!!
  40. When was the last time you marched into the dark with only the soft glow of an idea you strongly believed in?
    Huh? I’m always doing things with ideas first. Sometimes I get the answers to actually realizing my ideas and sometimes I don’t.
  41. If you knew that everyone you know was going to die tomorrow, who would you visit today?
    I don’t know. Maybe my family? I will probably more interested in preserving what is left of humanity – like a capsule or something….
  42. Would you be willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to become extremely attractive or famous?
  43. What is the difference between being alive and truly living? 
    Alive is just breathing, living is being happy and fulfilled to a greater extent.
  44. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just go ahead and do what you know is right?
    Tell me? I have trouble with that. Calculating risk and rewards seems much safer than just doing it.
  45. If we learn from our mistakes, why are we always so afraid to make a mistake?
    We feel wronged with every one. Sometimes punished. It’s not a good feeling.
  46. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
    I would be way more honest then I am and it would hilarious (to me)!
  47. When was the last time you noticed the sound of your own breathing?
    Fairly often. Especially when I’m trying to sleep or I’m riding (a horse).
  48. What do you love?  Have any of your recent actions openly expressed this love?
    Horses? I guess so. I volunteer. I am trying (somewhat desperately) to hang out to riding.
  49. In 5 years from now, will you remember what you did yesterday?  What about the day before that?  Or the day before that?
    No. Maybe (July 25), that was a little too epic (not in a good way).  Other than that, no. Not really.
  50. Decisions are being made right now.  The question is:  Are you making them for yourself, or are you letting others make them for you?
    A little bit of both. I’m trying to make them for myself but I’m also quite…almost dependent on others making them for me.  Interestingly, I feel like I’m better with making big decisions than small ones! (I tend to let others make the small ones).

Date:  July 27, 2014.

A Window to My Life

Posted on

This is what my life looks right now. This is the window to my future.

Everything ahead is a mass of blurred grey and other colours and the rain is all I see. The rain that never ceases.  The rain the blurs vision. The rain that just makes you wet, cold and grumpy.

I can’t see the future. The future that I imagined, the future that I dreamed for myself – is just that. A thought. A dream. No matter how big or small, realistic or unrealistic.  Meanwhile, nothing is moving. Or everything is moving. In both ways. Good and bad. All at the same time, perhaps erring more to the side of bad. As if it was slowing drifting there, somehow.

Things seemed poised for collapse. All see is rain. Washing away all that I wanted, all that I’ve loved. I don’t know if it can wash passion away. Perhaps I wished it can at some level, in a  way. That way, it’ll hurt way less to lose anything, everything when it all comes crashing down in a mudslide.

But things are easier to lose than to gain. It’s easier to criticize than praise. Dreams come so slow and can be transient, gone so fast that you’re not quite sure what replaced them. Optimism can quickly feel like false hope before it quickly descends to pessimism. It’s easier to destroy than to create. There’s more ways to die than to be born.

And still the window offers me nothing, but the distant hints of colour out there. I know there’s something perhaps, but there is no detail. No detail of whether it will be good or bad. Everything is a blur. Water drops obscures my view although I’m not quite sure if they are drops of rain, tears or both.

Maybe it’s alright to be worried that I’m going nowhere. Maybe it’s alright to be scared. Maybe it’s alright to have a looming sense of doom. Maybe it’s alright to feel desperate.

But I’m tired of it. I’m tired of all of this.

I’m desperate for change. Hungry to chase my dreams.  Hope that something good will happen to me and soon.

But I’m not too sure about that. The grey blur of pessimism lingers.

I want to know what’s beyond the window. I want to see that the skies are blue and maybe one day the dreams I may dare to dream, could somehow come true.

On the Cusp of Collapse and Coming Together

Posted on

Everything is of the verge of falling apart. And everything is on the verge of coming together.

But I feel the collapse imminent. It’s like what WILL happen if nothing happens. What will happen if I don’t stop it.  Somehow.

Yet, there’s hope of greater changes. I guess. Maybe one day soon, I’ll have a job (or two). Maybe one day soon, I can move out. Maybe one day soon, I can be more involved with horses and riding.

But I don’t know. There’s somehow that maybe the first two things may happen. But I don’t know when and I don’t know how.

I have been a bit more successful with the volunteer thing lately. I’m going to volunteer as a photographer this weekend. I did some things with a computer refurb/recycling organization. And most excitedly, I have volunteered with horses – for a few months in a therapuetic riding program and possibly in the future with a pony rescue. Granted most of these things are either not long termed and have not yet happened yet or both.

But I still feel like everything is about to fall apart. That there’s no horizon and the world is flipped on its head. I’ve been out of university for over 8 months and I haven’t done much. Meanwhile, it’s been an insane 7 years since I’ve graduated high school. How does that even happen? It feels like it was just a few years ago I was a schoolgirl wandering through the high school corridors. Time doesn’t explain it. It seems so fast.

And still I haven’t done much. I have completed a degree and that’s about it. Definitely not much to write home about for a 24 year old.  I feel like I’m getting older, that the time and the window for success is like somehow running out. I’m not quite sure where or how I got to the conclusion.

I guess I’m a results-orientated person. I might have been ambitious, had I had more success in…I don’t know, life?  Forcing things don’t always work. I know. That’s what riding has taught me….you can be so determined to “fix” something that everything winds up totally unravelling. But it’s what else do you do? Wait until they come to you? That approach doesn’t really work either, it seems.

Everything seems to be on the verge of falling apart, hanging by its last threads. A big part of it is uncertainty. It’s like I know everything is going to fall apart but I don’t know if anything or everything will come together. The hope is promising but I feel the imminent collapse is looming.

I haven’t even thought much of July yet, other than I hope that I get my crap together…for some reason July seems unplanned, devoid of anything and I just can’t really seem to think much beyond the first week or two of July at all.

I hope that things will work out. But I just don’t know.

I miss school. I miss horses (I haven’t ridden or seen horses in about 2 weeks). I’m tired of arguing at home about stupid things. I miss the structure that my life once had.

I had more in my mind, but somehow this was all I managed to write. Amazing.

Why, Hello Blog

Posted on

My old friend, we meet again.

Sorry it’s been crazy with school the last few weeks. (Want excitement? How about writing an extra 2 pages in an hour because you just realized it was a 12-15 page paper, not a 10-12 page paper. Whoops. Yes, good thing it was online submission that accepted re-submissions…) .

Anyway, self-doubting aside I should be finished my BA.

I’m excited but unsure.

Not sure if anything will go to my plan. At all.

Right now, I’m basking in post-school relief. But that will end soon. Ugh.

More to come.

I have a horse habit

Posted on

I admit it. I have a horse habit. It’s like a crack habit, but more expensive, more socially acceptable but just as intoxicating (and probably more expensive!).

So I haven’t jumped since 2008.  So I haven’t progressed like most riders riding my length of time has. So everyone else who has ridden for like a year or so seems inherently better at me – both at riding and horse stuff. So, I haven’t had anything to show for it in all my oh…11 years of riding (I try not to count anymore as it’s so pathetic). So, it’s really expensive – as in you’ll be hard-pressed to find a more expensive hobby or sport, especially in urban areas.

I admit, those things have made it a bit disenchanting.

But I still have a horse habit. Some people have a shoe habit. Some have purse habits. Some have  a jewellery habits. But not me, I have a horse habit! (By the way, I hate shoes that aren’t some sort of running shoe or boots, I hate purses – I use a sling bag as a purse and I hate jewellery…and make-up and other girly things).  But nope, not me. I have a horse habit, which probably costs more than all other habits combined! I normally wouldn’t have cared about money….except now I do because I have a horse habit! Some people want to buy a house…I apparently want an equid.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure how I’m going to keep my horse habit exactly, let alone progress in it because it really is an expensive sport. Not having a job does not help these matters. To top it off, I live in an urban area with no immediate plans to move (though possibly future plans to move) and I currently do not drive.  Now one day, one , some or even all of these things may change but until then everything is a balancing act.

I’m not quite sure what I want to do exactly.  I’ve been so out of jumping for so long that I’m not really into jumping anymore…I was always a bit too anxious for that anyway and the my fixating tendencies don’t really help me in this case. I always never really knew when the horse was going to jump…and I was always ever too ready for it or not ready at all. I did like jumping the very lazy Dory. But I never really enjoyed jumping anyone else. I was actually glad that it was over in many cases!

Low fences maybe I’ll consider hopping over once in awhile for something different (if I ever ride consistently) but on the whole, I’m not very confident over fences. I don’t know. Horses are such a big part of it. The right horse can change anything…like another Dory. I liked jumping Dory. I don’t know why but I never felt scared jumping her but I felt scared jumping with other horses.  But not Dory. If she got strong and tried to speed up towards the fence, I thought it was hilarious. If another horse did that, I would be scared. I only cantered tiny courses for 2 months (on Czar, and not that comfortably as he was rather…gung-ho about it) and I really only jumped for about a year before I started freaking out in general.  To be fair, at the time I was also scared of cantering too….for no apparent reason. So…

I like flatwork. It’s what I started with and it’s what I do. There is a rhythmic quality to it, to which unlike jumping, rarely differs until you make it so (ideally). I find the rhythm intoxicating. I am a creature of rhythm – the soft vibrations of the motor, the pacing, all of which I am lured to. Like jumping there can also be a focus…which is great or else I start daydreaming about all sort of things and worrying over random stuff (over-thinker is an understatement some would say). I don’t know…it just seems to suit me better somehow. I too originally wanted to jump big fences…but increasingly I’ve realized that it’s not really for me. I’m more comfortable with flatwork. It works a bit better in some ways, as I can do flatwork on my own.

I never had a horse suitable to really comment too much on dressage. I like leg-yielding though and have done it for…a really long time now! I was never able to get a horse on the bit consistently but to be fair, I only ride 1-2 times per week (currently 1 time per week) and the horses were either all school horses who are almost never asked to go round nor in some cases, really built for it. The other horse was 4 or 5 so he didn’t really know himself and stubborn so….that wasn’t happening much there either (we got a few seconds though). Then there’s also the issue that I’m kind of not the best rider….

I get where this person is coming from. But even then I still see that she has a horse (though unridable) and is leasing a young horse to ride….she still manages to ride more than once a week on a school horse. That she still manages to show.  That she HAS jumped big (I never have). That she can even train a horse a bit (I don’t know if I can train….not that I can tell since I only ride once per week!).

But I know what it feels like. To feel that you have been doing it for years and you love it. but you have nothing to show for it. That you are still trotting the same damn circle and it’s frankly not that much better than the last time.  That you are getting no where. That everyone is inherently better than you, rational or not. That you just plain suck.

It’s hard to find blogs in which someone chronicles a hobby that they love but struggle with…and I haven’t found another active struggling rider blog (to be fair, even I’m not comfortable making that public…I used to journal each ride and I might do it again, especially when I ride on my own more and/or more stuff happens but I probably won’t make it public!). Most of the other blogs are about achievements. Maybe this sounds selfish…but it hurts. It hurts to read others  progressing readily while you’re still struggling so much at the bottom.

Yet you still do it (it’s like crack remember?).

That is annoying. So annoying. But unfortunately, like all horse sports, it is a sports that one can buy into. That at the elite levels is not really about the best but who can afford the best, aside from the odd talented one that somehow managed to climb up there.

But I’m not rich and I highly doubt I’m very talented at riding.

I don’t know what I want to do. Sometimes I want to go off and just mosey around trails or something. Sometimes I want see how well trained and disciplined we can be, how we can dance and fill the air with the perfect rhythms of pounding hooves. One day.  Maybe.

But I don’t know. I’m tired of being the one that doesn’t belong. In anywhere. In anything. But sometimes  it doesn’t matter how untalented we are.  I wrap my arms the horse’s big neck, placing my face against the smooth coat, feeling the warmth of the touch – feeling the touch without the escalating overall awkwardness , the confusion over protocol and my hesitance in the confusion. That doesn’t matter.

I like horses (and ponies) as giant living teddy bears too.

This is a Ride, Not a Fight

Posted on

Personal video Not a poetry or artsy video. Nor it is it particularly wonderful or artsy.

I haven’t made one of these for a whole. Taken 2012/2013. Was going to use this year only but didn’t have enough footage. Sorry about the jello vision in some of the newer clips, my mom doesn’t know how to use my camera and it was too complicated/I forgot to teach her to turn off the image stabilization during video at the time. Also somehow there is no video of my doing anything else besides walk/trot/canter….I do leg yield too! Eeeeh, that’s about it….

Music: Citywide Rodeo by The Weepies

Yes, I know I suck at lunging (still learning) and getting onto horses (no excuse for that, really…)

Horse: Czar (and one clip of Shorty)


I was originally going to use stuff from 2013 only but I didn’t have enough footage.

I don’t know. It so often feels that everything is a fight. A fight to the death – a fight for life, a fight to get what you want, a fight for everything and everybody. And everything seems so far away.

I often feel that I’m not good for anything. There doesn’t seem to be any particular skill I excel at. I suck at some thing and am okay at other. But just okay. Not great. Just okay.

Though I’ve been riding for about 11 years, it doesn’t feel like I’ve really…done anything I guess. I’m still the rider I was many years ago. Granted, yes, I’ve been riding school horses once per week for the last year but still. I haven’t jumped since around 2008, and never got that far anyway (I think I cantered 2′ courses for 2 months) as I don’t know anymore really. I was tired of failing. I like riding on the flat better anyway.  Less thrill, less spill (until you get chucked off) and a lovely way to put fixative qualities to use (other than freaking out).

I do hope that things will be great, will be just as imagined. But the just seem so far away that I….don’t know. But this is a ride, not a fight. There’s no need to resist right? But I feel like I’m clinging, desperately afraid that what is going to replace what I know would somehow be worse.  But this is a ride right? Put your heels down and ride straight, even though sometimes it’ll all go flying through the air again.

As for this fall and beyond? I’m trying not to think about it. I can overthink things until the cows come home (and then ride the cows). Tired of being stuck in places that I don’t seem to belong. Tired of bouncing off the walls. Tired of everyone being better, somehow.

But it’s also hard when you’re not even sure if there is a horsy future ahead. Horses are expensive. Collecting large quantities of monies is difficult – possibly impossible. I’ve never part-leased or leased period, yet alone owned for that reason. Sometimes everything seems impossible.

Anyway, I’ll shut up now.

Patterns and Rhythms

Posted on

There’s patterns everywhere,  in everything, I’m sure but I don’t actively seek them….they seem to come to me. Literature is full of patterns. Life is full of patterns. That’s how I usually write my essays – to find a pattern and then find meaning and symbolism within it.

I’m somehow comforted by patterns – to know that they exist, repeating themselves over and over. It gives predictability to unpredictability, it’s rhythm smoothing.

I detest the chaotic.  I don’t like not knowing about what is happening next. I don’t like not having the option of plotting the day, week or even month.  I don’t like randomness, even though I sort of think randomly (or maybe that’s just me and bizarre connections to things).

It’s true that I’m messy. But when someone tidies it up, it disorientates me, as if it disrupted a pattern that even I don’t really know ever existed. Some sort of pattern that only my intuition knows. That is not to say I find things easily – I don’t really, but I sure don’t with people move my stuff!

Despite my affinity with patterns, I hate math and cannot see the patterns in it. Apparently they’re there – people say there are. But I can’t see it or quantify it. I can’t make sense of the numbers in relation to the figures. They dissipate, empty of their supposed qualities.

I like rhythm, as a form of pattern. I do listen to music (mostly pretty relaxing stuff) contrary to popular belief. But I really like physical rhythms. It’s steady motion calms me. I especially like the motion of rhythm, leaning into the steady vibrating feel of the vehicle (buses, trains, cars). I learnt as a child to ignore my head banging into window as I slept on the school bus and now I find it comforting to feel the motion and the bumps. And somehow in the similar veins of movement, some things can hurt and feel good at the same time.

That is probably why I like riding horses too. I was never really the one to jump – the steady rhythm intercepted with the excitement of the horse, my inability to slow down (and half halt) said horse and the awkward small lurch through the air (in which I half dump my reins…oops).  It’s been a long time since I’ve jumped and I never really went that far in jumping – so I can’t say my recollection is correct. I might jump again with the right horse (after all, I did like jumping the infamously fat and lazy Dory) and if I can get into riding more (I only ride weekly) but I don’t think it’ll ever be my main focus. I like flatwork. Walk (okay, so we don’t actually work a lot in walk but it’s still good). Trot. Canter.  There is less unknown (of course with horses there is always an element of the unknown like invisible aliens in the ring corner that exist in a dimension only seen by your horse). There is less threat of being disconnected, although that does not mean the horse cannot pummel you through the air. At any rate, I never got far enough in jumping to really make an informed comment.

But it’s the rhythm that draws me. The steady beat of each gait (well, if you’re doing it right). Of the breath. Of everyone’s heartbeat, drumming the primeval drum. Every step pulsating, the rhythm steady, yet variable.  And then if  the world is still too empty, I can stop, lean down and let me arms embrace a sturdy neck (I ride English and this is also easy to do bareback – probably less comfy western though…).

The funniest thing about patterns though is that I suck at remembering them short term and I don’t necessarily remember all their details in my head when I try to.  Like I said, I don’t go actively looking for them. They come to me. Sometimes I’ll be thinking and then I think of the pattern of something in the literature and decide to use that for my essay. Sometimes I’ll just be deep and thought and then suddenly, I’ll notice patterns – of ideas, thoughts, visuals. When I close my eyes, it’s what I literally see, that is if I’m not thinking about something else…

Whatever the case. whether I’m looking for it or not – patterns and rhythms are everywhere.  Including how I’m unpopular I am. Hmmphh. (Well, people either like me or they really hate me or I simply don’t exist with the later being the most common and the first point being very, very, very rare…).

We need more unpopular, loner characters who are also good at nothing. I’m tired of characters having best close friends or loners finding love or being really, really, really good at something they love. But that’s another rant for another time.