An Open Letter to Solitude

Posted on

Dear Solitude,

You’re my only true friend.  The only friend who understands me and is always with me. You are the only one that I truly know, that will go wherever I go. The only one that will always be with me.

I know you’ll never leave me, Solitude. That you’ll always be there for me whether it be at noon or in the light of the moon.  That you’ll always embrace me whenever I need you. It doesn’t matter where I am. Whenever I need you, you”ll be there.

People will come and go, only momentarily connecting. They will come. Then they will go. Sometimes in the background. Sometimes in the foreground. Occasionally, they might step into my universe. Perhaps mingle it in for awhile and rarely, well nearly never truly voluntarily. I can’t make real friends. But you Solitude, will always be here with me. I know you will always be my friend.

I’m the most comfortable when I’m with you – whether it be indoors or meandering outside, through the streets and through the woods. I lean into your space. Even if other people are around, I’m still clinging to you. Even though I know you’ll never go, your familiarity is comforting.

We have long conversations together, just you and me – in silence. We spend endless hours together – just you and me.

I know that some people are scared of you. That they get you and you fraternal twin Loneliness missed up even though you two are different. But I don’t mix you two up. I’m not afraid of you. I look forward to walking with you and curling up in bed with just you and me.

Maybe some people think that it’s not good that we hang out so much together. And maybe sometimes, Loneliness goes come and join us. But I’ll always love you and I’ll never leave you. And I know that you’ll always be with me, even if no one else wants to hang around me.  Solitude, you’ll always be my best friend, since no one else will.

Much love,

Some days, the world is so far away

Posted on

There are some days that I feel that I can do everything. Some days, that the world is just at my finger tips, waiting for me. Some days, I feel that I am good at something or things.

Some days I feel talented, as if I had a future. Some days I feel like all my dreams will come true – horse and all.

But other days, most days this is not the case. Some days, the world is so far away. Utterly unreachable, as I crawl along the depths, clinging to things – leech-like. Some days I feel like I’m good at nothing and the world with people is more than I could bare or function.

I do not know what to do…with my life

Posted on

What else is new? School and such but we’ll get to that later. I’ve actually been sick all week so in between school, mindless web surfing and sleeping, I haven’t had time to do much else.

I’m an English major so writing is pretty natural. But I like writing poetry and creative non-fiction (and ramblings). You know, things that typically don’t pay (well, if at all). I hate business writing and I hate writing around things (I hate adjustment and  polite “bad news” letters so much).

To be honest, I’m kind of tired of writing (after 6 years of academic writing) and I find it hard to focus on writing…hence why everything ends up being done at the last minute (okay, so maybe I’m a procrastinator in general). I know I will always write in some way – whether it be professionally or not (or published or not), I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’ll ever know.

But I don’t know what I want to do. I am fascinated by technology and I love the internet. Immensely  My life will be incomplete without it. I do well in text-based communication which probably draws me to it. Although there is more multimedia on the internet than ever, it’s still primarily a text-based medium.

To that end, I am fascinated with digital poetry, web documentary and e-literature. But you can’t make a living doing that can you? It’s barely known right now. And poetry is always dead as per usual (but can multimedia bring it to life?). Now that I’m learning meter…maybe I suck a poetry anyway but prose is always fair game haha.

I did do a web design certificate but I still don’t know enough for modern web development  If it was 2000 it’ll be fine but it’s not.  This is the world of mobile web, no-flash interactivity and content management systems and blogging software (like WordPress etc). Once was part of Geekery, the internet is now part of modern culture. It will change and evolve over time.

But I don’t know what will happen. No one does. Will web developers become extinct as it becomes easier and easier to have a web presence (or even forgoing the website and just use social media or whatever cool thing of the time).  Maybe?  Will web developers/designers become the typesetters (another design job that pretty much disappeared with desktop publishing by the end of the 20th century) of the 21st century? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone does but we will. When the time comes.

It’s already really easy for the average person to make a simple website using any of the CMS/blogging packages out there (WordPress, Drupal, Joomla! etc) or the many online site makers (,, and many other providers) and then there is the WYSIWYG (What-You-See-Is-What-You-Get) website building software (Adobe Muse + others). It’s just the serious people, the tech phobic and the medium-large organizations that typically need custom coding and design nowadays…if it wasn’t for mobile apps which are currently all the rage.

That said templates and WYSIWYG software has been around for a long time (Frontpage anyone? Man, that sucked.  Yes, I did use Frontpage once a long, long time ago….horrid in hindsight). And web designers didn’t go away….

I actually never have used the WYSIWYG part of Dreamweaver, other then to lazily resize a picture or something (nor did I never figure out templates but that was no problem, I used my CSS file).

I’m using Wordpress now. And it’s okay but I think it’s a bit bloated (and slow) and the fact that it uses PHP puzzles me because I don’t know PHP. At all. (Well if I stare at it long enough I can figure out what it’s trying to do but I can’t make it work for me).

But I suck at math. So I don’t know about programming. (Patterns I can do though. Overthinking makes you see stuff like that.) I just know every time numbers are involved  all logic is shot to hell.

As for writing. I don’t know. I like creative writing but I know that isn’t really a job. It’s a hobby more or less. A productive hobby but still one of my million hobbies (why do I have so many damn hobbies!!!)

I do think writing is more future proof as it’s unlikely in my lifetime that something can completely replace a human writer. But I could also fall back on it I guess. But maybe thinking that far ahead is overthinking. Not that this isn’t.

Is there  job in overthinking? Where you can just pace around in a empty room and over think….I can do that! But really, what kind of writer isn’t an overthinker!

The Essence of Time

Posted on

I want to capture Time. Contain it. Hold it. Feel it. Make it stop moving. I want to feel it. Nuzzle it. Hold it. Smell it. I want to feel it in my hands.  I want to wrangle it. Want to tame it.  Want to know its essence, it’s feel, it’s smell, it’s movement and grace (or clumsiness, as it may be).

I want to make it stop running away from me.

Wow, it’s mid October

Posted on

Apologies for the lack of content but I just have to write something. Anything. Just something. I’m currently in the post-midterm slump (I’m done midterms so I’m lazy now!).

Midterms are done. It’s getting colder. Soon my birthday will come. Be past. Another year older. Another year of nothingness.

Every year, every day feels the same. Almost. I try to take note of the changing seasons, embrace its beauty and breathe its essence deeply.  But the ricocheting between walls is distracting. I feel like I’m going nowhere yet, still a slave to time.

I do have several creative projects I want to do and hopefully I’ll actually do them. It’s my only measure of somethingness right now, well – between the midterms and the essays and the grades. Why? Because it doesn’t seem like I’m good at anything else. I do wonder if I’m ever good at anything, really…

But what do I want do to do? What do I actually want to do?

I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’ll ever know.

For now my creative projects will be

  1. Writing here
  2. Making motion poetry films/animations (Cinematic and Kinetic poetry)
  3. Writing for the Peak and perhaps other things

And yeah that’s about it. Maybe I’ll redesign my website (again). We’ll see. Maybe I’ll look into getting some actual hosting…we’ll see.

Anyway, I have nothing to say right now but I am writing poems for and I have shot some footage for a video that I’ll hopefully edit before the winter is over (assuming my computer doesn’t die doing that).

That’s all I have to say.

When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Hermit!

Posted on

Or at least that’s what I thought when I first discovered the word “hermit” as a child.

That was before I discovered the wonders of the internet and email.

Now I don’t know. I still live a very isolated life but it isn’t like I don’t like lengthy conversations about whatever is interesting because I do.  But I hate the little things – I hate introductions, I hate greetings, I hate manners and I really hate fake politeness.  I can tell when you are faking it. Please stop – it’s driving me insane.

In elementary school I never really had any “normal” friends within my peer group and outside my “special” class. In high school, I never made any new friends period.

I’ve haven’t made a friend since I was in grade 5 or so. I haven’t had a close friend since maybe early high school (grade 9 or 10). I do occasionally see a friend from my elementary school days, but I really feel that we have drifted far apart since.

I’m not even sure what friends are anymore and I laugh when people assume I have friends (plural). It seems like a ludicrous idea to me now. It’s even funnier if they think I have friends within my peer group. I know people often take friends for granted, but I’m so isolated from even the notion of “friends” that I’m not even sure what they are anymore. Most of the things I know about friends is from fiction. Likewise, I hate the message of “friendship is the best thing” yadda yadda yadda. It’s not. I don’t have friends so shut up about that.

I still joke about being a hermit – maybe in some shack in the middle of the woods with my pony. But I probably won’t be a hermit.

I’m just not quite sure what I would be…


The Failure of the Fear of Failure

Posted on

I know it’s almost counter-productive but I just can’t seem to shake it.

But I think I have probably figured out my overriding fear. It’s the fear of failure. The idea that if you don’t try, you can’t be hurt by the disappointment of failing it (probably again). If your fears are no longer making sense and defying logic as mine were (as it was occurring randomly AFTER I should have been scared), then this is probably the culprit.

But I know now that it wasn’t the fear per se I was scared of. I was scared of FAILING jumping again. I didn’t want to fail it again. I couldn’t cope with failing it again. I imagined failing it again. So it was easier just to back away. I thought I’ll be able to focus something that I was good at but it didn’t really work that that way. Oh well. Besides, I’m pretty comfortable on the flat now (canter included) and of course flat work is always important no matter what you do.

I’m a pessimist too and I think it makes me more likely to fall into this great mess. I’m a pessimist with the same logic – if I believe it won’t work out as well as I thought, I’ll be more likely to be happy by defying my expectations and if it doesn’t, then I wouldn’t have failed myself. It makes sense right? Sort of.

In practice, it doesn’t work as great as you’ll think. So now instead protecting myself from failure, it often feels that I’ve failed in order to avoid failure.

I probably have other examples but that’s the most significant example that I can think of.

I don’t like to fail. I HATE failing.  I really hate failing.

Oh and I only failed one test – some evil philosophy unit test…and really wished a black hole would come and eat me up then. (I passed the course though)

I know you have to fail in order to succeed but still…..arrgghh! Why does it have to be failure?

Wanderer, Not Traveller

Posted on

Yeah, I haven’t posted for a bit…a bit occupied with an article and lots of things going on my head.

Everytime I google something about wandering – for some reason, something about travelling pops up. Now, I’m not a traveller. I don’t even have a passport right now and I haven’t been out of my hometown since…since…since…a long time. I don’t remember. But I wander. A lot.

I’m a wanderer, yes. But I’m thus far, not a traveller. I never go anywhere in anything. Whatever I do, it seems that I stay in the same place. Doing the same thing. Being in the same place. Always the same place. I don’t like being lost. I like the familiar.

But familiarity breeds frustration. I can’t say I like staying here either.

Not moving. Not coming. Not going. Everything looks the same from here.

Oh yes, I travel – even if I wander around in the same place. I travel in my mind. Still going nowhere – not really.

In my life now, I’m not a traveller.

I never go anywhere or see anything novel. Everything looks the same. Feels the same.  Sounds the same. I’ve haven’t been out of the lower mainland for years – although I have managed to venture into the forest a few times (not with my family, of course – they are boring). Every day almost feels like the last. I feel like I do not progress in anything, except maybe school. I’m stuck scraping against walls.

Yet I’m a wanderer. I often wander around. Walking aimlessly. Dashing randomly. And most of all, ignoring everyone else and everything around me. Oh sometimes I watch the trees, the crows and the clouds – but I’m so often lost in myself. I of course go nowhere, just pacing around. But I think of things, far beyond my boring life.

I still don’t really understand why people don’t like it. I’m not really here. I’m okay, but I’m not here right now. My head is somewhere else (it was enough for a student to attempt to guide me to class when I did it just before my class a few years ago).  Maybe it’s an “all or nothing” thing – you’re either “all there” or you’re creepy? Then I run away and hide from people. Don’t get me started on people who are intent on getting a response from me. Why bother? I’m clearly not interested. Anyway…and why does everyone think I’m lost??! I am lost. Sort of. In an existential way. But I know where I literally am.

Even while wandering, I always stay in the immediate space. I don’t really go anywhere (although my mom seems to be unable to find me but anyway…). So I’m a wanderer – yet, I really don’t go anywhere, even while wandering off….

I’m a wanderer, not a traveller. And the wanderlust is not for travelling because I never go anywhere. It’s for wandering.

Oh and although I’m a massive introvert, I don’t mind being in public places as long as there is room to wander around – and then I tune everyone out and wander into my own little mind. Oh well, maybe that’s why it’s okay then. I’m not interacting with them – they’re just objects to me to avoid. If there is not enough room then…well then, I would like out…now!

So I wander but never go anywhere. Always back and forth or around in circles. Maybe that creeps people out too….

Chain of Decisions

Posted on

I don’t really like decisions.  What paths to take and which directions to go are one thing. But the outcomes of those paths and potential repercussions are so much more. Who is to know how one path can be better than the other if one has not travelled on both, waltzed along on both and seen the endings and forks they lead to? But no one knows that. No one can see all the potential universes of  “may-bes”, “could-bes” and “what-ifs” .  All we can do from our place in the universe is to turn around and look at where we have been and what was.  We can look at what we have done with hindsight or amazement or both. We can look all the way into the beginning of the universe – back to the start of time as we know it (or at least the early universe anyway – so shortly after the beginning of time, ignoring all the other possibilities for now).

This is where we are from. This is where we are now. But the future? It seems to be untouchable, inconceivable. It also seems so far away even though it’s much closer than the incredibly distant ancient stars, now dead but so far that they are still shining to our telescopes.

But here I am. And here I will be soon. Gazing at the paths that stretch and fork endlessly into the barren distance.  Still, I don’t know where I should go, what should I choose or where should I be.  Or where I will be – regardless if it was right or wrong or somewhere in the “meh” middle.

Even at age seven (or maybe eight), I thought about how every action is linked to another and what would happened if I did just one action in the chain differently.  It was long before I learned about alternate universities and such (I think? Maybe I subconsciously learned the concept then…who knows?), but still, a part of the young me  wondered how many different directions could I go, just from the choice of one action earlier in the day. I then thought about all the other actions in my day. Then I concluded that the possibilities resulting from a choice of every decision would be incredible and stopped thinking about it before my little mind got a headache.

Weird nerdy kid? Yeah, I probably was. I thought that during lunchtime in the lunch room. Weird mind games is what you do if you have little connection to others in the world you live in.

The chain of decisions is incredible, inextricably linked, forever bonded, entangled and entwined – one to the other and the other and the other. Of course it’s not the Great Chain of Being per se, but I can totally see how people could come up with that.  It’s impossible to isolate things and everything is some sort of response to or a result, directly or indirectly of a previous decision – good or bad, intentional or unintentional, major or minor, your own decision or someone else’s (or both).

To choose this or that. I hesitate, and think, overthink – about the endless webs of paths and the implications for today and tomorrow, simultaneously filling me with awe and horror.   “I don’t know” I mumble.

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“I don’t know.”

And I really don’t know – not really. I know sometimes you have to trust what you want, even though it feels that you’re about to fall into the dark oblivion. Sometimes, one has just act with the burning faith and hope it burns brightly enough that you won’t get lost or lose yourself completely.  But it’s hard. It’s easier to pace at the fork of paths – milling and mulling, doing everything but going forward. I know fear shouldn’t be the deciding factor…but it is. Oh it is, indeed. The fear of making the wrong decision. The fear of going down creating a link to a chain that you should rather not have and down a road you shouldn’t have taken.  And finally, the fear of the unknown.

In other words, I don’t know…or sometimes, I do know but I don’t trust myself enough to believe it, always questioning.

It’s just easier not to know, I suppose. It’s easier not to boldly choose a path and then wonder why you went down it many steps later or come running back to where you first came, if that is at all possible. Moreover, it’s safer not to know. It’s easier at least.

But doing nothing doesn’t get you anywhere. I would still inhabit the same space of nothingness as the world spins furiously around me. That I do know.

I don’t want that nothingness. I’m tired of stagnancy.

But I also don’t want to leap haphazardly into something that I don’t feel is right, that I keep questioning and I somehow feel that it isn’t really where I should go.  That it isn’t the right door. That the right doors will come later. Maybe. Or maybe not. (For some reason, the doors are red in my head. I’m not sure why.)

Arrgh. Decisions, decisions….

Analysis paralysis indeed.