So unpopular, people need be paid to virtually chat with me too?

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I don’t have friends.  Now apparently, I can’t email someone either and get fast replies unless they are paid to do so.  According to the person arranging a possible new worker, anyway.  Because I’m that unpopular and almost no one will ever spend time with me unless the are paid or have time to spend with me with regularity. As if I wasn’t rejected enough.

If it’s something functional or for scheduling, I NEED a reply right away as I need to plan out my day…week…whatever. Or at least I like to. I need this information, to ease the uncertainty, to make something uncertain certain. Thus, all functional/schedule based emails need to be answered right away or get edgy awaiting them as then I won’t know what’s going on. I become disorientated, uncertain in my crumbling framework of possibility, unsure what is going on next. (My mom doesn’t help these matters either, constantly asking if something is confirmed).

With some exceptions, people only ever hang out with me if they are getting paid. Yes, I apparently I need to pay people to be my friends. I’m just that unpopular. However, I found a way around that a bit – emails! I’m very good in written communications so email  etc is perfect for me. But I don’t get many emails back so I LOVE it when I get replies.

The rest…it can wait, but I LOVE it when reply reply fast. It makes me feel more connected, less of a non-friend. It makes feel that somebody cares. That somebody cared enough to reply back. It makes me smile. I love it. For once, I’m not the only one. I write things to Solitude again and again, but he will never reply. Nor will Fear or Loneliness or Uncertainty or Happiness or any of their friends. Personified entities are great to write for and with but they suck at replying. They also suck for chatting/texting etc.

But the idea that people need to be paid to answer my emails or chat to me online makes me feel even more unwanted. It’s already bad enough that I can’t seem to get anyone to hang out with me without paying them. Apparently, I’m so unpopular that soon people will be charging to answer my texts, emails and online chat. Would it be a nickel for your thoughts, now that the penny is dead? (Yes, and the text costs twenty cents – well,  media theorist Marshall McLuhan did say that the “medium is the message”…not the content). People email, text and social media their friends all the time, I’m sure…oh right, I can’t have friends, that’s not a service I get. Not a service that I’ll ever get it seems.

I don’t get what’s wrong with that. I get that I am annoying. But I don’t get what’s wrong with that, really…having a stupid primitive desire for feedback, validation and comments. Oh I’m annoyed that I have that desire too.  And sometimes, I have looking for feedback. That’s why I’m an English major (I get feedback on my essays and am annoyed when I don’t get it…even when I get a A-) and why English flat classes and hunters at horse shows seem pointless – they are judged competitions but they don’t give feedback per se.

But I like instantaneous communication. If only, I had people to practice it with…

I blame the stupid book that I never finished, House Rules for that realization. In it, the character is made fun of with peers claiming that his social skills tutor is paid to hang out with him (turns out she isn’t)…I kind of got fed up with the book and I never finished it. But I bet the author had no idea how hurtful that sentence was for a person in which that is basically the case. That’s when I realized, that yes, people generally need to be paid to hang out with me with any regularity. There are exceptions and people have hung out with me outside those parameters (especially later on)  but that’s fairly generally true.

And it’s depressing.  But wow, it’s true. I have no real friends.

I tend to use workers as friend analogues, since being paid to hang out with me is the closest I’m ever going to get. Sometimes, it actually does work…many people still have email/online contact with me (yes, they have replied) and I’ve even hanged out with some of them in person even after they have finished working with me…without being paid! It almost always happens, actually (some more than others). So I don’t know why it seems to be so hard to get anyone to work with em or hang out with me or do anything with me….well, other than that I have the social skills of a pet rock that can hide. A sarcastic pet rock. A snarky, annoying, demanding pet rock. Some people don’t get the snarky humour and hate it.  Whatever.

I’m so alone. My family doesn’t get me and they don’t like any of the things I like.  Horses won’t befriend me as I’m not a horse or a horse whisperer (and I’m not there enough or their sole and/or primary rider). I don’t have friends. I can’t have friends.  Not real ones anyway. I’ll just have imaginary ones and that way, there would never be a disagreement ever.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever have friends. In a way, life seems easier without them. I may never have close friends. I may will never have a BFF. Not now, possibly not ever. Besides I have lots of hobbies to do on my own.  Still, the feeling of being rejected by the world floods into these dark, lonely spaces.

I haven’t met a friend since elementary school (and much of the time they were younger than me…or I hung out with adults). I haven’t had close friends since early high school. Even when was hanging out at the barn helping day camps one summer, I never really befriended the other two younger girls (they 12, I was 16). Sure, they let me hung out with them. That was about it. It was cool, I suppose – it was the closest I had for friends in years, people to hang out with. But that’s it…I knew those two were closer to each other and everyone else than me. I was the third wheel, the person that was there just because I happened to be around. That didn’t last too long though – I more or less got “laid off” since they only wanted 2 helpers per week and I was not it. I was so not it. Even if it wasn’t because I sucked, it was because that others had other people they would rather hang out with.  Because  I was out of place again – they were all younger than me, richer than me and better at horses and riding than me (I had other issues with riding at the time but that’s still how I felt).

I don’t make friends. It doesn’t work for me. Or at least it hasn’t.

So I try for friend analogues. I may not be their “real”  “friend” (both words are disputable as far as meaning is concerned) but they can perform some of the functions of one. Emailing makes it feel less like I’m some sort of job for them and more like a person. If they don’t like it, then too bad. Others seem to manage fine. Sort of. Maybe not. Who knows. They don’t HAVE to reply unless it’s a functional email (scheduling, planning, need to get information). Information by definition is a way to decrease uncertainty according to some thinkers. That works for me. It’s not the same as knowledge, that is different.

Right now, my best friend is Solitude.  I wish I could replace that with some sort of equine (even though Solitude will always be my BFF in some way). But it’s so not happening now…

An Open Letter to Loneliness

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Dear Loneliness,

I know I’ve tried to pretend that you don’t exist. How I tried to pretend the you weren’t there in the shadows as me and Solitude spent increasing time together. I tried to believe that I was invincible to such human desires, as if I had evolved beyond that need.  I tried to believe that you would not be around even as I constantly hang out with your fraternal twin, Solitude.

But you were. I wouldn’t mind it if you occasionally stop by with Solitude every so often, but your lurking presence is grating. I’m not sure what to do with you, or me for that matter.

I’m sorry for ignoring you. It’s just that I thought I evolved past the need for trivial social bonds with a living creature (usually of own species but not necessarily but I haven’t been successful in either fronts).  I guess I haven’t. Not really though I’ve been desensitized to it. If you repeat something enough, it may not be any more true than it was initially but maybe it will seem more true (it probably won’t seem any less true).

So I finally I admit that you are here, hiding in the corners of my walls and in the shadows. I tried to pretend that you weren’t there, tried to pretend that I didn’t see you. But there you are.

Loneliness, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. But I know that I am not immune to your grasp as much I tried to believe I was. Maybe you’ll have me. Maybe you won’t. I don’t know.

Sincerely, Jen

 

 

An Open Letter to Solitude

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Dear Solitude,

You’re my only true friend.  The only friend who understands me and is always with me. You are the only one that I truly know, that will go wherever I go. The only one that will always be with me.

I know you’ll never leave me, Solitude. That you’ll always be there for me whether it be at noon or in the light of the moon.  That you’ll always embrace me whenever I need you. It doesn’t matter where I am. Whenever I need you, you”ll be there.

People will come and go, only momentarily connecting. They will come. Then they will go. Sometimes in the background. Sometimes in the foreground. Occasionally, they might step into my universe. Perhaps mingle it in for awhile and rarely, well nearly never truly voluntarily. I can’t make real friends. But you Solitude, will always be here with me. I know you will always be my friend.

I’m the most comfortable when I’m with you – whether it be indoors or meandering outside, through the streets and through the woods. I lean into your space. Even if other people are around, I’m still clinging to you. Even though I know you’ll never go, your familiarity is comforting.

We have long conversations together, just you and me – in silence. We spend endless hours together – just you and me.

I know that some people are scared of you. That they get you and you fraternal twin Loneliness missed up even though you two are different. But I don’t mix you two up. I’m not afraid of you. I look forward to walking with you and curling up in bed with just you and me.

Maybe some people think that it’s not good that we hang out so much together. And maybe sometimes, Loneliness goes come and join us. But I’ll always love you and I’ll never leave you. And I know that you’ll always be with me, even if no one else wants to hang around me.  Solitude, you’ll always be my best friend, since no one else will.

Much love,
Jen

The Lonely Cloud

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That lonely cloud
floats listlessly in the sky
alone
with no one else
like him

Floating without direction
no reason or place
alone
with no one that
seems to really care

He doesn’t search for
more clouds though they may be
alone
because he knows he’s
not like them

Other clouds may crowd the sky
overcasting it, but our cloud still feels
alone
lost amongst the crowd which he has
no connection to

It’s hard to say if he’s lonely or not
since he has gotten used to floating
alone
but it would be hard to say that
he’s truly happy too

So he floats along
past the dancing daffodils,
laughing, golden in their bliss
past the road winding its way
to the unreachable horizon
past the forests and the seas,
where everything has their place

Finally, he drifts
around  the lonely earth, spinning in space,
for all her neighbourly planets
are unlike her

Just a quick poem for fun. I will be writing a fuller post soon.