Harbinger, Tell Me

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every day
breeds a new day
closer to the void
to the storm

Harbinger,
what did you bring?

everyone says to me
“everything will be alright”
how would you know?
how would I know?
that it’ll all sweep away?

Harbinger,
what do you say?

Lost in the Fog

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It’s foggy tonight.

Sometimes I wonder if I have lost my way. Or if I will lose my way. Or myself.

If I get lost in the fog. If I lose my way. If I lose myself, will anyone try to find me? Or will everyone just leave me lost? It’s not like I have close friends  or anything.

The year is 2013 CE/AD.

I always knew but didn’t quite this year will come. It seemed so far away, hidden under the guise of the future. Here for a brief moment before it descends to the past.

I’ve been out of high school since 2007. Grade school seems like an eternity ago.

And I,

I don’t know what I’m doing. Or what I will do.

Maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s normal. But it’s the unknown that troubles me. I don’t know if it will be good or bad.

Once upon a time I would figure that by 2013, I would have achieved my dreams. That I’ll be a good, reasonable advanced rider. That I’ll have my own horse.

Of course, that didn’t haven. Not even close and I’m not sure if it ever will. That part of me has been slowly slipping away the past few years. I couldn’t stand the disillusionment  Couldn’t stand all those that had far more privileges and talent that I could ever hold.

I’m not sure what I want. Or need. Or want.

I know I don’t want kids. I don’t care for a family. And I can’t fathom a romantic relationship of any sort. I know I seem so sure of that…and it’s the only thing that I’m sure of (won’t it be ironic if it wasn’t?).

I don’t know.

I don’t like not knowing. And honestly, being a useless leech is getting boring.

I like the fog and the mist though (and smoke/smoky effects for that matter). There’s something mystical, ethereal to it.

Finding Home

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I want to go home. I want to a place where I belong.  I’m tired of being stuck in a place where I don’t belong. I’m tired of pushing against the currents of normalcy. I’m tired of lagging behind in just about everything (or so it feels). I’m tired of not knowing…about anything.

But I am lost.  I turn around to face nothing but shadows and silence.  Except for breaths – my own breaths, the only indication that tells me that I’m still alive.  Well, or at least I think I am. I look around to find nothing.  Where is home?  What is home anyway?  Did it ever exist?  Did it once exist but slowly disappeared?

Logically, of course, I have a home (not that I’m remotely close to living on my own).  But can any safe, quiet place with a computer (and maybe a bed) be my home as long as its familiar? Do I even really have a home? A place where I feel like I belong? A place to settle, to be “the place” of what I am to be?