Harbinger, Tell Me

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every day
breeds a new day
closer to the void
to the storm

Harbinger,
what did you bring?

everyone says to me
“everything will be alright”
how would you know?
how would I know?
that it’ll all sweep away?

Harbinger,
what do you say?

An Open Letter to Loneliness

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Dear Loneliness,

I know I’ve tried to pretend that you don’t exist. How I tried to pretend the you weren’t there in the shadows as me and Solitude spent increasing time together. I tried to believe that I was invincible to such human desires, as if I had evolved beyond that need.  I tried to believe that you would not be around even as I constantly hang out with your fraternal twin, Solitude.

But you were. I wouldn’t mind it if you occasionally stop by with Solitude every so often, but your lurking presence is grating. I’m not sure what to do with you, or me for that matter.

I’m sorry for ignoring you. It’s just that I thought I evolved past the need for trivial social bonds with a living creature (usually of own species but not necessarily but I haven’t been successful in either fronts).  I guess I haven’t. Not really though I’ve been desensitized to it. If you repeat something enough, it may not be any more true than it was initially but maybe it will seem more true (it probably won’t seem any less true).

So I finally I admit that you are here, hiding in the corners of my walls and in the shadows. I tried to pretend that you weren’t there, tried to pretend that I didn’t see you. But there you are.

Loneliness, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you. But I know that I am not immune to your grasp as much I tried to believe I was. Maybe you’ll have me. Maybe you won’t. I don’t know.

Sincerely, Jen

 

 

An Open Letter to Solitude

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Dear Solitude,

You’re my only true friend.  The only friend who understands me and is always with me. You are the only one that I truly know, that will go wherever I go. The only one that will always be with me.

I know you’ll never leave me, Solitude. That you’ll always be there for me whether it be at noon or in the light of the moon.  That you’ll always embrace me whenever I need you. It doesn’t matter where I am. Whenever I need you, you”ll be there.

People will come and go, only momentarily connecting. They will come. Then they will go. Sometimes in the background. Sometimes in the foreground. Occasionally, they might step into my universe. Perhaps mingle it in for awhile and rarely, well nearly never truly voluntarily. I can’t make real friends. But you Solitude, will always be here with me. I know you will always be my friend.

I’m the most comfortable when I’m with you – whether it be indoors or meandering outside, through the streets and through the woods. I lean into your space. Even if other people are around, I’m still clinging to you. Even though I know you’ll never go, your familiarity is comforting.

We have long conversations together, just you and me – in silence. We spend endless hours together – just you and me.

I know that some people are scared of you. That they get you and you fraternal twin Loneliness missed up even though you two are different. But I don’t mix you two up. I’m not afraid of you. I look forward to walking with you and curling up in bed with just you and me.

Maybe some people think that it’s not good that we hang out so much together. And maybe sometimes, Loneliness goes come and join us. But I’ll always love you and I’ll never leave you. And I know that you’ll always be with me, even if no one else wants to hang around me.  Solitude, you’ll always be my best friend, since no one else will.

Much love,
Jen

A Sonnet to Solitude

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You surround me, all around
in this empty, lingering space
without so much as a sound
and never will I know your face

You follow me through the doorway
past the coat hangers and garden gate
following me as I walk along this way
pondering about existential fate

I run into the thicket, calm and serene
with you – hand in hand
even though you are still unseen
I know you’ll understand

But sometimes all I see is monotone
and I wonder why I’m here all alone

Note: I wrote this as part of a set of 4 fixed poems for a class. However, this is the only one that I actually like (the other ones suck). This is a Shakespearean Sonnet for those not in the know.

The Lonely Cloud

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That lonely cloud
floats listlessly in the sky
alone
with no one else
like him

Floating without direction
no reason or place
alone
with no one that
seems to really care

He doesn’t search for
more clouds though they may be
alone
because he knows he’s
not like them

Other clouds may crowd the sky
overcasting it, but our cloud still feels
alone
lost amongst the crowd which he has
no connection to

It’s hard to say if he’s lonely or not
since he has gotten used to floating
alone
but it would be hard to say that
he’s truly happy too

So he floats along
past the dancing daffodils,
laughing, golden in their bliss
past the road winding its way
to the unreachable horizon
past the forests and the seas,
where everything has their place

Finally, he drifts
around  the lonely earth, spinning in space,
for all her neighbourly planets
are unlike her

Just a quick poem for fun. I will be writing a fuller post soon.

My Pets, Fear and Pessimism

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Okay, I admit it.

Fear and Pessimism have long taken over my household of my brain. I let them romp around the place and fight over scraps of confidence while I go out and wander around in my daydreams. I know I shouldn’t do that  but these two beasts are difficult to tame and I just don’t want to deal with them.

Meanwhile, I wander underneath the trees, pondering my existence.

Could it be just a decade ago that I was twelve years old, the world was at my feet and everything seemed possible? I guess so, but that moment in time seems so long ago now.  Another decade has passed, now twenty-two and everything seems impossible.  Dreams, once so vibrant, once seemingly so achievable appear increasingly unattainable.  Burning passions I began back then, now fade as I realize how it failed to achieve anything I wanted — including a sense of achievement. Things that I knew, things that I thought I wanted are no longer as clear.  I don’t know what I really want and I don’t know how to get anywhere.

I’m grown up now and jaded from the world.  I’m tired of feeling inferior.  Tired of watching everyone one ahead while I walk slowly from behind. Tired of every day being like the previous. I’m tired of being stuck here, in a world that I don’t seem to belong in.

If I had a time machine would I want to travel back a decade? I’m not sure.  True, that I have grown increasingly jaded and pessimistic but I’ve learnt so much (good and bad). Ten years ago I was a child.  I’m no longer a child, as much as I wished I still was one or continue to live like one.  But I’m not sure what I am either.  “Student” has been a very good catch-all descriptive label without admitting the label of “adult” but I’m in my last year of university and I don’t know what I’ll do or what will happen.

The canyon between me and the world has only widened as I gotten older as my eyes dart fearfully towards its edge.  But I’m still desperately clinging into the cliffs of the known.

Fear and Pessimistic trot through my household, littering scraps of fur along the way. They come to me, looking bigger and bigger at every sight. I sigh and feed them, while I walk out the door to dream under the trees, again. Every day goes by and nothing changes, unable to go forward as I lean against my walls.

It’s as if I’m waiting for something yet waiting for nothing at the same time. I don’t know. Time slips away day after day and yet I stand here, clinging to a lump of rock, flying through the universe – and I do not seem to change or move.

This is My Post to the World

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Emily Dickinson once wrote a poem that said  “This is my letter to the world/that never wrote to me”.  (I don’t know the number to it but those are the opening lines)

So here’s my letter to the world. Or more like, my post to the world.  But the world still has never wrote to me –  have you World? No, you never did.  Never told me what you were all about. Never told me what to do.

While not quite as physically isolated as Emily Dickinson, I am currently perhaps just as or more socially isolated as her (for my own various reasons).  That’s admittedly one of the things that really drew me to her poetry – the notion of a mind in solitude wallowing in the thoughts of life, death and everything in between. Instantly I felt some sort of connection, of knowing that I’m not the only one to wallow in deep thought and solitude.

But World, there is just so much I don’t understand. There is much that I don’t know.

Like how to belong.

How do you belong when nearly everyone around you seems so alien to you?  How do you know when to fight the current or go with the current? How you know what is your place? Tell me, World. Tell me, please.

I wish the World could answer all this right now. (I also know I should be careful what I wish for but…) “But what about the journey?” some may say. What journey? I feel like I’m scraping myself against a wall right now.

Soon, I’ll finish university (I’m an English major) but I don’t know what will happen next.  I can’t see anything clearly on the horizon.

World, are you listening? Can you guide me somewhere?  Okay, so I know that you’re busy spinning around your axis at some insane speed while circling around the sun at an even more insane speed which also transverses around the galaxy at another insane speed.  I would wish that you would spot moving so fast but if you did…well, that wouldn’t be pretty and there would be another mass extinction as everything goes flying very, very, insanely quickly and it just wouldn’t be worth it.

So just this is my post to the World. Hello, World. Which World? I have no idea, especially since I’m often not exactly sure if I’m on the current one at times but nonetheless…

This is my blog which I will ramble on about my life, the universe and everything. But not 42. I hate numbers (including 42)….unless it’s a rant on how I hate numbers. Hmm. Maybe I could do that. But I digress, but this blog will probably be all over the map in terms of topics for a while…because while I’m not fond of randomness (once a schedule has been pre-determined, I prefer to stick to it)  but yet I’m a pretty random person myself. Hmm..

So, Hello World, Hello. And Dear World, I’m not sure what I’m doing here.  I’m also  not sure if it was nice to meet you. I don’t like meetings. But I guess it would be nice to know you.