Existing: Rhythms of Days

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Each day leads to the another day, seamlessly flowing into another as time somehow marches by.

That used to disturb me.  It used to bother me that I was getting older (I’m now 25) but not really achieving anything. I still live at home. I’m still not independent. Forget a career, I never had a job ever and well….I don’t know. I still don’t know how I’m going to afford my expensive hobbies (why expensive hobbies?! Grrr!). But for the time being, I guess it is not meant to be….

Those things haven’t changed. They haven’t changed at all. But I’m somehow less disturbed by it. I’ve found steps towards change way too overwhelming.

How could someone be so utterly unready for just about anything? I don’t know but somehow I managed to do just that.

The desperation for progress has been replaced by apathy? I don’t know.

I’ve been here before. In a way. But it’s different this time. It’s like the opposite of last time in (in 2008 which was a completely different situation but also a time of transition in some ways) so many, many ways except the end result in the same: living in a state of mere apathetic existence. It took me a few years to finally get out of that last time but I had no support at the time. Fortunately, my life was fairly structured at the time and I had no need to grow.

I’m finding it difficult to do anything else, anything beyond the confines of what I deem comfortable. I know I SHOULD do something but I don’t actually want to do anything. I don’t really know why exactly. But it is.  I barely leave home.

As if all the issues bubbling under, on and above the surface came back to haunt me big time. It feels like I could create barriers to run into by just breathing. Seriously.

Just my presence seems to throw any seemingly straightforward plan into complete disarray! Usually when I fail to do something…I don’t know. It often ends with me freaking out to some extent or whatever.

My days pass: pacing, sleeping, existing.

Somewhere in-between. It’s a familiar place for me. I’ve always struggled to find anywhere for me, trapped between worlds. Neither low-functioning to have a lot of services or programs yet unable to cope with the “real world” (either I don’t have the social skills or I’m not independent enough/find it too overwhelming or all of the above).

I am not sure when I’ll exist the funk (or if, but oh god I hope I do…this kinda sucks 🙁 ).

Things are slowly getting better. Things are slowly solidifying. I’m starting to find things to grasp onto, that I’ll hopefully keep holding onto even as the storm passes. Horses have been good. I somehow manage keep my shit together when on or around a horse even though I can’t seem to do it in just about anything else. I’ve even manage to ride little issues out like a real rider on a real horse  instead of freaking out myself – despite the fact that I’m kind of losing it in all other aspects of my simultaneously wonderfully and horribly stagnant life.

But horses are expensive. And hard to get to.  So I can’t ride that much :-(. But for now it’s enough to keep me sane, keep me grounded. I am increasingly starting to think that if it wasn’t for horses, I would have completely lost it by now.  Even though I am struggling with various issues (some of them a little larger than I thought…) now, I still have some motivation to move froward. Without horses, I’m not sure if I would have that.

Too many things end with me freaking out. No wonder I’m drawn to the masters of freaking out: horses. :-P. To be fair, it’s pretty hard to freak and run away when the horse under you is doing it for you, pretty much! (Although I seem to be able to keep my shit together with horses this time around which wasn’t the case in 2008. Like I said, opposite.  In 2008, wasn’t freaking out about the rest of my non-horsy life – I just didn’t care despite that I did decide that the canter was suddenly scary for no reason…and I didn’t care much.).

I’ve also gotten stuck in a cycle of procrastinating too…

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just stuck in general…..

For now I still few like a lost child. Except I’m a grown-up that can’t seem to do any grown-up things at the moment….

Can Hermit be an option?

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I have been told to seek volunteer opportunities. So I did. All I found was that the volunteer listings either wanted “strong interpersonal skills” and/or experience. None of which I have.

There is a gulf between me and my peers. As I got older, it got wider and wider and filled with water.  I have not made friends since I was around 10 years old. I have not had close peer-type friends since I was in my early teens.

It’s come to a point in which I just live within myself. My only external joys are horses and perhaps nature. The human world, the social world is completely foreign to me. I have never “hung out” with a group of friends. I’ve never had a group of friends. I don’t particularly need or want a group of friends.

I wish I could say my family is better but it is not. Basically everything I love, they hate and vice versa. I’m as detached to my community as can be…basically, I’m looking for some way out! I have decided I don’t really like the city. I’m a horse freak and I much prefer the woods and fields. I hate mall shopping and I just don’t really do “city things”.

But everyone seems to want social skills. I don’t really have social skills. (I hate going to restaurants too because of the interacting with the person thing!). I kind of want to crawl in a hole and be a hermit! Or even better – be some sort of one person nomadic pony tribe! Are there any hermits with horses?


On the Edge of the Unknown

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I couldn’t find an appropriate photo for this post (and don’t have enough inspiration to take one at the moment).

But yeah, I may have been more annoying than usual. I will admit that.

Lately, I’ve been edgy, impatient, more anxious then usual. I have a desire for instantaneous answers. As if I’m trying to secure some sort of certainty, trying desperately to tie peices of what I know to the trees with the prospecting hurricane of change.

This is me on the edge of the unknown. Filled with uncertainty, it feels like the end, even though people may assure me it’s a new beginning (although they actually haven’t thus far). I’m not sure. I don’t like change and someone has unleashed a hurricane on me. Oh I knew it was coming but didn’t think it’ll come this fast. I’m not longer quite sure who I am or what I’m good at or what I want. Everything feels impossible and so far away. As for me, I feel incapable and unwanted.

I feel so out of touch with everything and everyone. Most of my family seem to be on a planet far from my own. They don’t understand me or what I do or what I want to do. I feel so disconnected to them yet reliant. It’s not a good combo. I don’t really have friends. I have made zero friends in high school (maybe some loose acquaintances through) and I have certainly made zero friends in post secondary. While people talk about  the great social lives of high school and college/university, it can also be extremely isolating for someone with little to no social skills. I had more of a social life in elementary school.  By high school, my social life had died.  Now, I’m used to it being dead as I can’t imagine it any other way. If it’s activities where you make friends – well, I failed at that too (although I guess I made some loose acquaintances). Keep in mind that my loose acquaintance is very, very, very loose. It’s someone that I’ll know and the person will know me and I may exchange a few words (possibly a conversation but not required) but that it is. It is very, very, very loose, superficial but it’s at least a step up from pure alienation (I don’t know you and you don’t know me and we’ll all just ignore each other) which pretty much sums up my undergrad career.

I’m not sure about the horse thing, having attempting a sport that is way out of my league and class although maybe I just need to get a different side of it. It’s certainly not about the ribbons (I way prefer to ride more than show right now). There has been many disappointments in the realm, but I still love the feel of the horse underneath me (not on top, though I’ve been there too – avoid if possible) and the reaction when I find the “funny button” like a scratchy spot on the wither or wiggle of the muzzle (I’m not describing that well but it was so much fun) and the furry muzzles under my fingers (and on my face…yes, some bite…yes I generally know when they are going to bite). I’ve mostly given up big fantasies of showing, at least so I’ve gotten a little closer to earth in that way. I know I’ll never be an amazing rider or horse whisperer and my delusions of doing seem so mind-bogglingly naive .

I’m not naive anymore. I don’t want dreams to come crashing down again  or the flicker to gently peter out to the point that I shouldn’t care anymore (it doesn’t mean I don’t though). I had enough of that. The world is now a cynic’s world. The idealism of the future  – not just for me but the world as well has now faded.

But I don’t know how much longer it would be before everything will begin to unravel. When it would be clear that some things are dreams for another lifetime just like my family have hinted.  When everything falls apart, collapsing into a rubble of unfulfillable dreams.

Everything is spinning around, each piece of the wheel is threatening to break.

I’m at the edge of the unknown and I want to scream and cry and disappear (perhaps a wormhole will come…). There is too much happening. I want answers. I want a inkling of the known. I am lost and confused. I am also freaking out.

I don’t know where I am. I am wandering the deserted, dead landscape alone. I watch childhood innocence and idealistic dreams begin to smoke, desperately hoping it won’t alight. But the world is dark, cold. Everything is on the horizon. This is the event horizon. There is no going back. The days childhood have long past, even though I still essentially live like a teenager (that doesn’t mean I want to though but I don’t know any other way  and I can’t deal with it now with so many other unknown factors at the moment). But the bubble between youth and adulthood is about to be broken.

Somebody, please find me and take me back to the known. Or at least take me by the hand through the unknown.

I am terrified. (And edgy, anxious and about to freak out sooner than usual).

The Void

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The void is overbearing, looming ahead of me. I don’t know what to do. It is ever-approaching and I feel utterly unprepared for what is to come ahead. Whatever it is.

I started my last semester this week. It’s a mixture of relief – the ending of the draining, droning rhythm of school. You go to lecture. You read. You listen. You study. You write. Then you wonder about your grade.  And of course, leaping from one panicked deadline to another. But all and all, it’s familiar.  That fact, for the moment is the most important. Stagnancy is easy to come by because it’s hidden under the guise of familiarity.

But I don’t know what’s going to happen now. Everything I knew, is poised to fall apart, unravel from the frayed ends. I’m not completely sure what’s going to happen with the horse thing which is unrelated, but still falls within the same time period. The period of upheaval  disorientation and panic. Everything wants to unravel, sinking deep into the void of the unknown.

Graduating university is supposed to be good. It’s supposed to be the start of freedom. Somehow, you’re supposed to come out with friends from the education process but I have never been able to do that. Not even close. It’s supposed to be a time when you’re reaching your next step, going onto bigger and better things.

But it’s not. I feel trapped, desperately banging on the walls of the life, the world that I don’t feel that I belong. While I was always alone, now I’m really alone, with no one able to offer me any sort of knowledge of the future. I don’t have friends to chat with. I don’t know anyone who understands. No one seems to want to work with me. I seem to have direction, but no way to get there. Increasingly, I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there.

How do you know if you’re hovering or simply falling at a steady rate but never hitting the ground? How do you know you’re riding the currents or near the cusp of drowning? How do you if this is the end or the beginning? How do you know where you’re headed if all you can see is absolutely nothing?

I don’t know what’s in the void, for the good or bad. But all I know that’s incredibly dark here. And there’s no one but me. Nothing to show me the way and little to cling to.

I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what to do in a place made for a species that I do not feel quite truly part of.

And I am terrified.

Can We Ever Be Free?

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Can we ever be free
or is to be bounded a condition
of living and existence?

We are tied to the world
tied to social systems
bounded, shackled, chained

each one of us is a
slave to society

each one of us is a
slave to ourselves

some of us are
slaves to fear
slaves to reality
slaves to fate

Life is the master
we are not
just merely its slaves

to live is to be bounded
by the constraints of life,
the master’s constant
sometimes harsh demands
that you cannot
argue with

but it doesn’t mean
are we never free
and can never be free
for we are the masters of our
dreams and fantasies

so here in dreams,
in fantasies,
in our creations
we are free

Notes: I cannot think of a better title right now. Working title (maybe).

Leaning into the Void

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This is it.

I’m heading towards the end of my academic career. (I don’t really have  the grades for grad school and if I did do it, it’ll probably something not so practical…like creative writing). But I don’t know what’s at the end.

I’m heading towards the void.
I’m leaning into the void.
I’m falling into the void.

Wanderer, Not Traveller

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Yeah, I haven’t posted for a bit…a bit occupied with an article and lots of things going on my head.

Everytime I google something about wandering – for some reason, something about travelling pops up. Now, I’m not a traveller. I don’t even have a passport right now and I haven’t been out of my hometown since…since…since…a long time. I don’t remember. But I wander. A lot.

I’m a wanderer, yes. But I’m thus far, not a traveller. I never go anywhere in anything. Whatever I do, it seems that I stay in the same place. Doing the same thing. Being in the same place. Always the same place. I don’t like being lost. I like the familiar.

But familiarity breeds frustration. I can’t say I like staying here either.

Not moving. Not coming. Not going. Everything looks the same from here.

Oh yes, I travel – even if I wander around in the same place. I travel in my mind. Still going nowhere – not really.

In my life now, I’m not a traveller.

I never go anywhere or see anything novel. Everything looks the same. Feels the same.  Sounds the same. I’ve haven’t been out of the lower mainland for years – although I have managed to venture into the forest a few times (not with my family, of course – they are boring). Every day almost feels like the last. I feel like I do not progress in anything, except maybe school. I’m stuck scraping against walls.

Yet I’m a wanderer. I often wander around. Walking aimlessly. Dashing randomly. And most of all, ignoring everyone else and everything around me. Oh sometimes I watch the trees, the crows and the clouds – but I’m so often lost in myself. I of course go nowhere, just pacing around. But I think of things, far beyond my boring life.

I still don’t really understand why people don’t like it. I’m not really here. I’m okay, but I’m not here right now. My head is somewhere else (it was enough for a student to attempt to guide me to class when I did it just before my class a few years ago).  Maybe it’s an “all or nothing” thing – you’re either “all there” or you’re creepy? Then I run away and hide from people. Don’t get me started on people who are intent on getting a response from me. Why bother? I’m clearly not interested. Anyway…and why does everyone think I’m lost??! I am lost. Sort of. In an existential way. But I know where I literally am.

Even while wandering, I always stay in the immediate space. I don’t really go anywhere (although my mom seems to be unable to find me but anyway…). So I’m a wanderer – yet, I really don’t go anywhere, even while wandering off….

I’m a wanderer, not a traveller. And the wanderlust is not for travelling because I never go anywhere. It’s for wandering.

Oh and although I’m a massive introvert, I don’t mind being in public places as long as there is room to wander around – and then I tune everyone out and wander into my own little mind. Oh well, maybe that’s why it’s okay then. I’m not interacting with them – they’re just objects to me to avoid. If there is not enough room then…well then, I would like out…now!

So I wander but never go anywhere. Always back and forth or around in circles. Maybe that creeps people out too….

Surrounded by Walls

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The four walls corral me in. They protect me from the outside world. They are the boundaries between my world and the rest of the world. Are the walls closing in? I’m not sure.

I bang into the walls, as if somehow, they’ll disappear. As if they weren’t there. It feels good. Makes me feel solid, less translucent.

These are the walls of my world. Both invisible and solid. Transparent and oblique. All sorts of colours are possible, yes. But most of the time they are a sterile cream. What I grew up with. What I live in. Sometimes they are comforting. A small comforting space. Other times than are claustrophobic, limiting, frightening and boring.  Cream walls are boring!

The walls hold me in. Keep the world out. Keep the elements out. Keep people and everything else out. They keep me safe. Or do they? I’m not sure. I’m now so afraid to believe in my dreams that I doubt that any gets let through those walls.

But I’m trapped. I’m the only one here within these walls. Can anyone find me here? I don’t think so. No one can rescue me here. I am alone within my own walls. Or so I think, anyway.

Sometimes it’s light here, when the soft glow of the sun casts its golden embrace that bounces off the walls.

Sometimes it’s dark here, with the walls casting long shadows into oblivion.

Sometimes I just want to bang my head against these walls. I keep running into these walls. I keep going nowhere. Nowhere slow. Nowhere fast. Nowhere in-between. Well, maybe somewhere slow but it’s so slow that I can barely tell.

Is there a life beyond these walls? Maybe. Could be. But like other dimensions (beyond our four), I’ve never ventured outside these walls, so I don’t know.

I’m too afraid to break out but too afraid to stay here. Do I disappear within these walls? Sometimes I want to. Want to have my spirit weave in and out of these walls. To experience the world away from my earthly limits. To be free, to liberate myself from these walls.  What would it like to be a wall? Not be in a wall or scrapping against a wall or banging furiously on a wall but actually be a wall.

I think it would be interesting for the first while, watching things and such but once the novelty wore off, it would be boring. I think I would like to be pure energy actually, weaving in and out through walls…