Patterns and Rhythms

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There’s patterns everywhere,  in everything, I’m sure but I don’t actively seek them….they seem to come to me. Literature is full of patterns. Life is full of patterns. That’s how I usually write my essays – to find a pattern and then find meaning and symbolism within it.

I’m somehow comforted by patterns – to know that they exist, repeating themselves over and over. It gives predictability to unpredictability, it’s rhythm smoothing.

I detest the chaotic.  I don’t like not knowing about what is happening next. I don’t like not having the option of plotting the day, week or even month.  I don’t like randomness, even though I sort of think randomly (or maybe that’s just me and bizarre connections to things).

It’s true that I’m messy. But when someone tidies it up, it disorientates me, as if it disrupted a pattern that even I don’t really know ever existed. Some sort of pattern that only my intuition knows. That is not to say I find things easily – I don’t really, but I sure don’t with people move my stuff!

Despite my affinity with patterns, I hate math and cannot see the patterns in it. Apparently they’re there – people say there are. But I can’t see it or quantify it. I can’t make sense of the numbers in relation to the figures. They dissipate, empty of their supposed qualities.

I like rhythm, as a form of pattern. I do listen to music (mostly pretty relaxing stuff) contrary to popular belief. But I really like physical rhythms. It’s steady motion calms me. I especially like the motion of rhythm, leaning into the steady vibrating feel of the vehicle (buses, trains, cars). I learnt as a child to ignore my head banging into window as I slept on the school bus and now I find it comforting to feel the motion and the bumps. And somehow in the similar veins of movement, some things can hurt and feel good at the same time.

That is probably why I like riding horses too. I was never really the one to jump – the steady rhythm intercepted with the excitement of the horse, my inability to slow down (and half halt) said horse and the awkward small lurch through the air (in which I half dump my reins…oops).  It’s been a long time since I’ve jumped and I never really went that far in jumping – so I can’t say my recollection is correct. I might jump again with the right horse (after all, I did like jumping the infamously fat and lazy Dory) and if I can get into riding more (I only ride weekly) but I don’t think it’ll ever be my main focus. I like flatwork. Walk (okay, so we don’t actually work a lot in walk but it’s still good). Trot. Canter.  There is less unknown (of course with horses there is always an element of the unknown like invisible aliens in the ring corner that exist in a dimension only seen by your horse). There is less threat of being disconnected, although that does not mean the horse cannot pummel you through the air. At any rate, I never got far enough in jumping to really make an informed comment.

But it’s the rhythm that draws me. The steady beat of each gait (well, if you’re doing it right). Of the breath. Of everyone’s heartbeat, drumming the primeval drum. Every step pulsating, the rhythm steady, yet variable.  And then if  the world is still too empty, I can stop, lean down and let me arms embrace a sturdy neck (I ride English and this is also easy to do bareback – probably less comfy western though…).

The funniest thing about patterns though is that I suck at remembering them short term and I don’t necessarily remember all their details in my head when I try to.  Like I said, I don’t go actively looking for them. They come to me. Sometimes I’ll be thinking and then I think of the pattern of something in the literature and decide to use that for my essay. Sometimes I’ll just be deep and thought and then suddenly, I’ll notice patterns – of ideas, thoughts, visuals. When I close my eyes, it’s what I literally see, that is if I’m not thinking about something else…

Whatever the case. whether I’m looking for it or not – patterns and rhythms are everywhere.  Including how I’m unpopular I am. Hmmphh. (Well, people either like me or they really hate me or I simply don’t exist with the later being the most common and the first point being very, very, very rare…).

We need more unpopular, loner characters who are also good at nothing. I’m tired of characters having best close friends or loners finding love or being really, really, really good at something they love. But that’s another rant for another time.

All hobbies and no day jobs

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There are things, many thing that I enjoy doing. I like making stuff. I like making attempts at nearly all forms of digital media even though I don’t know what I’m doing much the time. I like making websites (and blogs, although I find WordPress much harder to customize because I don’t know PHP). I like making videos.  I like taking photos of anything but people and drawing/digital painting (although I’m not very good at any). I like writing poetry and creative non-fiction.

But I can’t see myself doing any of these for a living. It’s not like I don’t think it’s possible (okay, being a full-time non-performing poet…that probably isn’t possible especially if you want a pony like me) or that I don’t like it or anything like that.

It’s because I don’t think I’m good enough (for my own/others creative projects). Or alternatively for commercial projects, I can’t imagine working with clients. (Because I am not a nice or friendly person….or some think anyway as well as myself).

Do I think I’m a good writer? It seems to depend on the day. Do I think I’m a good designer or artist – often not, especially there’s a huge gap between my internal vision and what I actually end up with (though that may be more of a technical lack of skills though since I was never taught how to use the software).

What about being a blogger? The things I write don’t have mass appeal (clearly, according to my stats…which I swear is usually just me….I just use the stats from WordPress.com/Jetpack). I have very little traffic on this blog. Very little.

My other things don’t fare so well either. I have hardly any traffic on any of my videos or really, anything really. Besides, I don’t make things that a wide audience likes. I’m not a good internet personality. I don’t have a comic or anything (if I did it would probably be about ponies, and not the my little pony kind. Maybe dressage ponies hahaha!)

I like hiking and horses (and ponies) too. But I know those will always be a hobby. I suck at everything with horses (aside from petting noses) it seems sometimes….sigh. I don’t know about my stance with horses. Yes, it’s madly expensive and dangerous but it seems like I’ve been riding too long (10 years) to give it up now. As if they have become part of me, somehow.

I want a pony when I grow up. I said it like I’m 5. I wish I was kidding…. (or a horse or something in-between…but I do fit at least large ponies.) I think I need to get out of this insanely expensive city! It’s just not going to happen here.

Also, it doesn’t help that pretty much all my hobbies are expensive. Like horses. And media arts…with the hardware and if you were to be fully legal and use all the fancy software (Adobe creative cloud is $50/month and that’s very well worth it if you earn income from it, but not for the hobbyist that might crack out an Adobe CS program or two or three a few times per month for personal projects!)….and upgrades as technology marches on and….and not to mention, equipment (have you seen prices for good cameras? –  DSLR, Mirrorless Interchangeable Lens Cameras/ and Professional Compacts all cost an arm and an leg….in some cases a limb for the body and limbs for the lenses  Ha!) and….I don’t know about anything. My hobbies also include living and being in existence. Good hobby eh? When living is NOT a hobby and living becomes a job, then there may be a problem…(slavery anyone?).

Anyway that’s my first world rant for today.

I am full of existential dread at the moment.

I have lots of hobbies. Unfortunately, I either suck at them or they are just plan not lucrative.

The Legacies of Work

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I always wondered what would people say, what would people think at your funeral.  Kind of morbid, I know. But what would you be remembered for? What would you LIKE to be remembered for? Those two things aren’t always the same…not that you can complain since you should be dead.

I’m an English student and most of the times, we’re studying literature of people long past. This is their legacy. This week, I also went to the art gallery where I looked at, well, art and that too is or if not, will be the legacy of most artists. Now, it’s not completely separate. For instance, although Emily Carr is better known as a painter, she is also known somewhat as a writer too (take a BC lit survey class and you are bound to encounter some of her writings).

I guess, I don’t really want to be remembered as a person but remembered for my work. (Not that I’ve done anything great yet. I’m not like Alexander Pope who writes insanely great poems at age 19).

I don’t know what I want to do for a job yet. But I do know that I would like to at least do some creative non-fiction and poetry writing. Perhaps more electronic literature as a grounding in literature and technology would make that a natural combo.

Now I’m probably not going to invent anything (although it will be cool to invent a genre. In anything) but I don’t know. Often I’m not even sure what I’m good at or if it will be good enough.

I don’t have any friends, so I guess my creations will be my friends (I’m not even sure if I want friends…how would you have all the time for everything?).

I do not know what to do…with my life

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What else is new? School and such but we’ll get to that later. I’ve actually been sick all week so in between school, mindless web surfing and sleeping, I haven’t had time to do much else.

I’m an English major so writing is pretty natural. But I like writing poetry and creative non-fiction (and ramblings). You know, things that typically don’t pay (well, if at all). I hate business writing and I hate writing around things (I hate adjustment and  polite “bad news” letters so much).

To be honest, I’m kind of tired of writing (after 6 years of academic writing) and I find it hard to focus on writing…hence why everything ends up being done at the last minute (okay, so maybe I’m a procrastinator in general). I know I will always write in some way – whether it be professionally or not (or published or not), I don’t know. I’m not sure if I’ll ever know.

But I don’t know what I want to do. I am fascinated by technology and I love the internet. Immensely  My life will be incomplete without it. I do well in text-based communication which probably draws me to it. Although there is more multimedia on the internet than ever, it’s still primarily a text-based medium.

To that end, I am fascinated with digital poetry, web documentary and e-literature. But you can’t make a living doing that can you? It’s barely known right now. And poetry is always dead as per usual (but can multimedia bring it to life?). Now that I’m learning meter…maybe I suck a poetry anyway but prose is always fair game haha.

I did do a web design certificate but I still don’t know enough for modern web development  If it was 2000 it’ll be fine but it’s not.  This is the world of mobile web, no-flash interactivity and content management systems and blogging software (like WordPress etc). Once was part of Geekery, the internet is now part of modern culture. It will change and evolve over time.

But I don’t know what will happen. No one does. Will web developers become extinct as it becomes easier and easier to have a web presence (or even forgoing the website and just use social media or whatever cool thing of the time).  Maybe?  Will web developers/designers become the typesetters (another design job that pretty much disappeared with desktop publishing by the end of the 20th century) of the 21st century? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone does but we will. When the time comes.

It’s already really easy for the average person to make a simple website using any of the CMS/blogging packages out there (WordPress, Drupal, Joomla! etc) or the many online site makers (WordPress.com, weeby.com, webs.com and many other providers) and then there is the WYSIWYG (What-You-See-Is-What-You-Get) website building software (Adobe Muse + others). It’s just the serious people, the tech phobic and the medium-large organizations that typically need custom coding and design nowadays…if it wasn’t for mobile apps which are currently all the rage.

That said templates and WYSIWYG software has been around for a long time (Frontpage anyone? Man, that sucked.  Yes, I did use Frontpage once a long, long time ago….horrid in hindsight). And web designers didn’t go away….

I actually never have used the WYSIWYG part of Dreamweaver, other then to lazily resize a picture or something (nor did I never figure out templates but that was no problem, I used my CSS file).

I’m using Wordpress now. And it’s okay but I think it’s a bit bloated (and slow) and the fact that it uses PHP puzzles me because I don’t know PHP. At all. (Well if I stare at it long enough I can figure out what it’s trying to do but I can’t make it work for me).

But I suck at math. So I don’t know about programming. (Patterns I can do though. Overthinking makes you see stuff like that.) I just know every time numbers are involved  all logic is shot to hell.

As for writing. I don’t know. I like creative writing but I know that isn’t really a job. It’s a hobby more or less. A productive hobby but still one of my million hobbies (why do I have so many damn hobbies!!!)

I do think writing is more future proof as it’s unlikely in my lifetime that something can completely replace a human writer. But I could also fall back on it I guess. But maybe thinking that far ahead is overthinking. Not that this isn’t.

Is there  job in overthinking? Where you can just pace around in a empty room and over think….I can do that! But really, what kind of writer isn’t an overthinker!