Okay, I admit it.
Fear and Pessimism have long taken over my household of my brain. I let them romp around the place and fight over scraps of confidence while I go out and wander around in my daydreams. I know I shouldn’t do that but these two beasts are difficult to tame and I just don’t want to deal with them.
Meanwhile, I wander underneath the trees, pondering my existence.
Could it be just a decade ago that I was twelve years old, the world was at my feet and everything seemed possible? I guess so, but that moment in time seems so long ago now. Another decade has passed, now twenty-two and everything seems impossible. Dreams, once so vibrant, once seemingly so achievable appear increasingly unattainable. Burning passions I began back then, now fade as I realize how it failed to achieve anything I wanted — including a sense of achievement. Things that I knew, things that I thought I wanted are no longer as clear. I don’t know what I really want and I don’t know how to get anywhere.
I’m grown up now and jaded from the world. I’m tired of feeling inferior. Tired of watching everyone one ahead while I walk slowly from behind. Tired of every day being like the previous. I’m tired of being stuck here, in a world that I don’t seem to belong in.
If I had a time machine would I want to travel back a decade? I’m not sure. True, that I have grown increasingly jaded and pessimistic but I’ve learnt so much (good and bad). Ten years ago I was a child. I’m no longer a child, as much as I wished I still was one or continue to live like one. But I’m not sure what I am either. “Student” has been a very good catch-all descriptive label without admitting the label of “adult” but I’m in my last year of university and I don’t know what I’ll do or what will happen.
The canyon between me and the world has only widened as I gotten older as my eyes dart fearfully towards its edge. But I’m still desperately clinging into the cliffs of the known.
Fear and Pessimistic trot through my household, littering scraps of fur along the way. They come to me, looking bigger and bigger at every sight. I sigh and feed them, while I walk out the door to dream under the trees, again. Every day goes by and nothing changes, unable to go forward as I lean against my walls.
It’s as if I’m waiting for something yet waiting for nothing at the same time. I don’t know. Time slips away day after day and yet I stand here, clinging to a lump of rock, flying through the universe – and I do not seem to change or move.