Yes, going nowhere can be good if you’re where you want to be. But I’m not.
I am running to nowhere, ricocheting off walls and closed doors, dodging (more or less) around random people on the street. I’m trying to get away from it all but I can’t. It’s still there. Still solid. Still impenetrable.
It’s been five years since high school but I feel like I’m going nowhere. In anything. University slowly ticks by but my life remains the same. Doing nothing. Going nowhere. Wandering. A lot.
I know enough that I don’t belong here. I’m tired of bouncing off walls, both literally and figuratively. I’m tired of being surrounded by a family that does not share my interests – not one single bit and might as well be from a different planet. I’m tired of looking at the world from an outside window. I’m tired of not moving forward, staying stationary – in life and everything. I’m tired of trading water – of spending all my energy just to hold my head above the surface but moving no nowhere.
“So what have you’ve done?”
“Nothing” I mumble, staring at the ground. And for the most part, it is true. Other than school, I have done precisely nothing.
It feels like I’m waiting for something. Feels like I’m waiting for everything yet, waiting for nothing at the same time.
In the meantime, I’m going nowhere. I’m running wildly in circles, pacing back and forth. I’m trapped. I’m scared. I’m frustrated. I’m annoyed. I wonder if this all life really has to offer me (if so, I rate it as “meh”).
And then I wonder if I’m good at anything. At all. I mean really good at something, not just okay. And what is my passion anyway? Time moves forward. I watch others move forward – grow up and engage in grown-up lives. But I wander here listlessly, moving but going nowhere. I admittedly live like I lived as a teenager…or perhaps, even a child. I was never a “normal” teenager anyway. I still don’t really know what “friends” are. I have no idea what “love” is.
Why does it feel like I’m frantically flailing everywhere yet going nowhere at the same time? I feel like I’m about to fall. About to slip. About to drop into the gorges of the unknown.
Everyone runs into the horizon. Far beyond me. Far better than me (maybe). I’m tired of feeling inferior. I’m tired of watching everyone move ahead of me in everything. I just stand and look blankly ahead. I’m going nowhere, even as the sun sinks below the horizon. Another dusk. Another dawn. Another day, week, month, year. Years can go by. And yet, I’m going nowhere soon, nowhere fast.
I hope that will change one day. I desperately hope so. I don’t know how or really when but I hope it will one day.
I don’t want to stay here. I want to see what life is. What makes it so great. To explore everything that is cool, fascinating. To not regret anymore. To breathlessly be in awe with life and the universe. To look back and be amazed, how far I’ve come, I far I’ve travelled and how I never dreamed I’ll be where I am.
But that’s not now. For now, I’m still going nowhere. I’m still restlessly running in circles in a world I don’t belong. Going nowhere, other than forward in time.