We grow up, supposedly to reach our dreams, to reach to the future. But what are nearly “universal dreams”and to what end?. But these defined so-called dreams – weddings, making a family – what if you don’t share them? I acknowledge that they are to an extent – or at least the procreation one is necessarily to the preservation of our species but I don’t subscribe to it. But what about something as simple as “having friends”. I have some of these dreams – living in a place I could call home, having a good career and the personal aspects of “the dream”. But I don’t get any of the social ones.
Parents are funny. Their dreams always revolve on “milestones” such as seeing their kid going to school, getting married, having kids of their own and so on. Heck, even driving (which I don’t do either). But there’s one major problem with that assumption: how do you know if the dreams are the same for that person, people. Why do people assume that their dreams are the same as everyone else?
I find it both odd and sad that people automatically assume that one needs friends to be happy. That one needs to adhere to the “dream” of marrying and having kids of their own. Or even hanging out with friends, like any “typical” teenager (which of course I never did).
This is not my dream. Marriage? Kids. Nah. Okay so, maybe that will change (in 4 billion years when the Andromeda crashes into the Milky Way) that way but for now, that is not my dream. At all. And I can’t fathom it either.
Friends. Love. Work. Marriage. Family. Those things are all so deeply foreign to me even though I know that many people are steeped in them. But I am not.
I haven’t had very close friends for nearly 12 years now. As much as it sounds sad to admit, generally people who hang out with me have to be paid to hang out with me…or at least have at some point. I do not have a social life. I have never had any romantic interest in anyone – I don’t even know what leanings I have….I am possiblyasexual at this point. I’m not even sure what love is.
But I don’t really need that to be happy. These things are expectations that are products of society. They are not part of me.
My younger days were more “normal” I suppose. I ran around. I played imaginary scenarios on the playground with my friends from the same program – some days we were bats, some days we were just people (we had imaginations okay? Anyone who doesn’t think that we are incapable of imaginative play needs to be hammered on the head). I talked to everyone (although I never met friends that way. Ever. I think they just thought I was weird.). I even played a small part in a play (I was Rudolph in the now bizarre in hindsight Christmas musical with reindeer and dinosaurs).
Well, okay. I never formed many strong bonds. I never really made a friend with any “typical” students of my own age. I never learnt to skip rope or do the hula hoop and I hated aspects of PE (but I also loved some parts, like chasing around balls on my own….which I did badly but enjoyed). Greetings were always a horrible chore. They still are, when I am forced to do them. They become ritualized, mechanical and as a means to an end for reasons I don’t understand.
I don’t know exactly when the walls started to close in. I didn’t know what happened really. But eventually, as the gap between me and everyone seemed to widen, my world became more and more isolated. As high school came along, it seemed that my “typical” peers were a hundred steps ahead of me in everything, anything…and it was growing, endlessly.
They moved. I stayed stagnant in all but school not involving math. I now pace the halls alone. My best friend is my computer(s).
Would I want a “normal life” or a “social life”? Whatever that means. Whatever that is.
I don’t think so. It’s been so long that I barely remember when I had friends. I’m not the greatest with spoken words, but my words seem to come alive when written. In pictures. In videos. In internal voices. I love the internet. I love computers. I like horses. And other random things. (nah, I don’t think you can combine those very well…not at my level at any of those.)
I also apparently like flying into doors and such too. I’ll write more about that later. But let’s just say having a strange love affair with movement (other sensory things too…I loved those brumble balls even when I was like 8 and I still enjoy the vibration of moving vehicles) etc + being clumsy = “dangerous”. And weird too. Sigh.
Now, is if only there is an positive way to describe “social skills equivalent to a moving rock” (it does nothing, as do I and then I flee if I can…often the fleeing part comes first though…). For the most part I guess I have the social skills of a pet rock though. Seriously. I am so disconnected to the world. Trapped in abstraction, thoughts and generally, my own mind.
For the record, in every online version of the myer-briggs test (MBTI) that I’ve tried, I end up as INTJ. (My sister is apparently a ISTJ). Maybe it’s completely stupid but it seems to fit me fairly well. J is my weakest, the other three (INT) are usually (but not always) quite strong. I don’t know…I kind of like being a INTJ… I’m not a scientist but I probably could have been if I didn’t suck so immensely at math. I like popular science (i.e. science with no equations or math). As an aside, I could be a INTP but I’m not sure.