Personal video Not a poetry or artsy video. Nor it is it particularly wonderful or artsy.

I haven’t made one of these for a whole. Taken 2012/2013. Was going to use this year only but didn’t have enough footage. Sorry about the jello vision in some of the newer clips, my mom doesn’t know how to use my camera and it was too complicated/I forgot to teach her to turn off the image stabilization during video at the time. Also somehow there is no video of my doing anything else besides walk/trot/canter….I do leg yield too! Eeeeh, that’s about it….

Music: Citywide Rodeo by The Weepies

Yes, I know I suck at lunging (still learning) and getting onto horses (no excuse for that, really…)

Horse: Czar (and one clip of Shorty)

Commentary/Rambling

I was originally going to use stuff from 2013 only but I didn’t have enough footage.

I don’t know. It so often feels that everything is a fight. A fight to the death – a fight for life, a fight to get what you want, a fight for everything and everybody. And everything seems so far away.

I often feel that I’m not good for anything. There doesn’t seem to be any particular skill I excel at. I suck at some thing and am okay at other. But just okay. Not great. Just okay.

Though I’ve been riding for about 11 years, it doesn’t feel like I’ve really…done anything I guess. I’m still the rider I was many years ago. Granted, yes, I’ve been riding school horses once per week for the last year but still. I haven’t jumped since around 2008, and never got that far anyway (I think I cantered 2′ courses for 2 months) as I don’t know anymore really. I was tired of failing. I like riding on the flat better anyway.  Less thrill, less spill (until you get chucked off) and a lovely way to put fixative qualities to use (other than freaking out).

I do hope that things will be great, will be just as imagined. But the just seem so far away that I….don’t know. But this is a ride, not a fight. There’s no need to resist right? But I feel like I’m clinging, desperately afraid that what is going to replace what I know would somehow be worse.  But this is a ride right? Put your heels down and ride straight, even though sometimes it’ll all go flying through the air again.

As for this fall and beyond? I’m trying not to think about it. I can overthink things until the cows come home (and then ride the cows). Tired of being stuck in places that I don’t seem to belong. Tired of bouncing off the walls. Tired of everyone being better, somehow.

But it’s also hard when you’re not even sure if there is a horsy future ahead. Horses are expensive. Collecting large quantities of monies is difficult – possibly impossible. I’ve never part-leased or leased period, yet alone owned for that reason. Sometimes everything seems impossible.

Anyway, I’ll shut up now.