Sometimes you need to stop and figure out what you are doing, where are you are going and how to get there and then realize you may need to change paths.

It feels like I’m wasting my time, wasting my life for now TWO whole semesters. That’s 8 months. I have done nothing in those 8 months. Well, pretty darn close to nothing when you consider all the volunteer things I may have tried but have not really come through.

I had the feeling that this path may be premature to start with, which is why I originally planned on going back to school right away. But there were other issues with that and I couldn’t get it together. Other forces were pushing for the job thing.  So I tried the job route. There was some promise, but ultimately it feels like it hasn’t been working out. Maybe I’ll admit that I can be part of the blame too – somehow, I’m sure, in my unwillingness to change. I don’t know what to do about that. I think my net is wide enough (writing AND all digital media + publishing) but maybe it isn’t.

Besides, based on today it seems like nearly everyone is either mad with me, annoyed with me or scared of me. Yes, seriously on the last one. I’m barely 5′ on  a good day with shoes on and the hairdresser (as I found out today) and my family doctor is scared of me (for immunizations) because they can’t handle the reactions (if I were a horse I’ll be one of those “explosive reactive” types).

I’m still waiting for replies on two potentially significant volunteer positions. But I don’t know if that’ll ever happen. Maybe I weirded them out too much already. Maybe I’m not worthy enough. I don’t know.

I’m not sure if this road is worth pursuing  right now or at least worth pursuing solely on it’s own. I’ve also thought about pursuing a barn job or work exchange arrangement more seriously to secure riding and horses in my life, but to be honest I’m not sure if I’m good enough and I’m not sure if anyone will be willing to start me off slow or not.

So today, I’m considering going back to school again. I am not willing to waste another year doing nothing. When I’m in school, I can still be searching for work and even work part-time and many programs have internships.  Aside from the fact that the program I want is of course currently full (registration is almost a year in advance so I knew that) and the other, similar (and cheaper) program at another school has been axed. So I don’t even know what I would do anyway.

I feel like I’m at the end of this road. There’s nothing here. Time to go back to another road… Unless that changes soon.  Yep, I’ve hit a valley….

ETA: Apparently this was or the title was “hilariously inappropriate” as a screenshot for blog portion of my portfolio