*some details regarding the company are made up. As well as the persona to an extent…parts of me are there for sure but not all… (in real life I am near fixated on weaknesses…but for this purpose, I am much more arrogant haha!)

1. Tell me about yourself – use key skills needed for job –

I like purple, ponies and pacing annoyingly back and forth and round and round. I am lazy and ineffective but an effective weirdo. I can be either frustratingly passive or extremely demanding.I am also good at getting right in other people’s way at the most inconvenient time.

2. What interested you about the position

I need money.

3. What do you know about our organization?

I have heard that your company was directly or indirectly responsible for the destruction of the Amazon, the great barrier reefs and and poor factory conditions offshore where workers keep dying. I have also heard that your company has been charged twice within the last year for white collar crimes and have the highest record of recalls within the last decade  Plus, your company has been one of the principal contributors to the Great Pacific Garbage Patch, the depletion of the ozone layer and carbon emissions contributing to climate change.

4. What is your experience with this type of work?

What type of work? I’ve heard nothing about that type of work. What do they do?

5. What are your strengths?

I am honest.

6. What is a weakness? (what areas would you like professional development in?)

I am too awesome.

7. Why did you leave your last position?

The people were annoying.

Also, I got fired. I am not sure why. The boss said something about “being unsuitable in this work environment”. My coworkers mentioned something about being an “arrogant ass”….but I’m not sure why that’s a problem because so called “asses” are very intelligent, beautiful and humorous creatures. Really, they are some of the most smart, sturdy and hardy equines.

8. Tell me about a time when you worked under pressure and met a deadline

I looked at the time and date and realized the deadline is about to pass. There was no way I was going to get it done so I looked to the sky and braced myself for the apocalypse with raining flames and everything but nothing happened. I waited for the next day and it still didn’t happen!  But maybe I was just lucky there…

Although there was that whooshing sound… *

9. Tell me about a time when you handled a conflict at work

I yelled at the person, stormed away and refused to speak to that person for 3 months and gave death glares during that time. I wanted to put the person’s office supplies in jello but that was too much work so I just duct taped and superglued everything instead so it was marginally operable. I also covered all the office furniture with foil. I wanted to do other things too but I didn’t have time..

I was tempted to put a garbage can (empty or fill, clean or not, whatever) over the person’s head  and march away but wisely refrained myself from doing so.

1. Do you have any questions?

Why do you ask vague and stupid questions?

Can I have this as a questionnaire instead?

Or an exam?

Can it be a take-home exam?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Would you rather fight 100 duck-sized horses or 1 horse-sized duck?

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*allusion to this quote

Made for comedic purposes. Also an attempt to get my silliness out of my system lol.

Also, the last one question (horse-sized duck or duck-sized horses) is actually a popular internet meme….lots of “ask me anythings” type of Q&As (especially on Reddit and Youtube vlogs) involve it…yes, it involves hypothetical horses but I didn’t make up that one!