How would anyone ever know you?

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When you’re gone how would anyone know that you were ever here?  Or even now, sitting here – how would anyone ever know that anyone was ever here?

They won’t. You, I, we will fold into the intricacies of time.  Lost and unspoken, like many who have come before us.

For me it will be more of the same – being lost and unspoken.

I’m a year older now. A year to wonder. A year to realize that I haven’t really accomplished anything.  A year to wonder, why is it me that is still here.

Some people live for the moment. Some people live for their friends, families. Some live for their passion. Most people mechanically live through the day – never stopping, never musing to wonder what it it all about.  I guess I’m living for the future, in the hope that I’ll leave something great behind, somehow.

Oh yeah…

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About the tiny comment box…yeah maybe I should fix that. But no one seems to comment anyway so is there a point?

I might do it later. Maybe.

Not Thankful for Places I Don’t Belong

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It’s thanksgiving.

But I don’t feel very thankful. I don’t feel thankful for the friends that I don’t have,  the pets that I don’t have, the family that can’t or won’t understand me, the walls I keep hitting or the places I hoped to be a places of belonging, just more places of unbelonging.

Ask me for my thanks when I’m happier.

An Open Memo to Everyone at My Grandparents’ Birthday Bash

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That will never probably see this anyway….

Hello,

My name is Jennifer and I am currently an antisocial loner.  I do not believe in greetings, intricacies of etiquette, small talk and other various social norms. I also hate introductions with a passion.  I often will however, readily talk about things that I am fascinated about.  Sometimes I will freeze because I am not sure what I am supposed to do.  It may be obvious and easy to you but it is not to me.  I believe that greetings are unnecessary, insincere, generally hokey, awkward and confusing. Please stop shoving them in my face and expecting me to return in like because I probably will not. Then it will be awkward and you will be confused. I hate greetings.  It’s hard to keep track of how I’m supposed to react to them when I do not feel the way and I know that you are greeting for the sake of greeting and it’s kind of all moot anyway.  I also have an aversion to handshakes.  I suggest that you do not attempt this as you will not receive your desired or expected response.

Yes, I may pretend you are not there or behave in other ways that you may find odd. I’m okay. We’re okay. It’s okay.  Yes, I’m uncivilized and unsocialized to a degree as I may subvert your notions of “normal”. That is fine.  I know that but I refuse to succumb to the crushing disguise of “normality” anyway since I know it will never me and I don’t really want to unbecome me (you may want me to – but I don’t!).

Oh and don’t worry about be being rude and never having friends, my best friend is Solitude anyway.

So please go away and go greet someone else.  Thank you.  You may come back when you have thoroughly worn all your greetings out (as well as need to police social conduct, small talk and introductions).

Oh and that non-introduction – who/what am I? I am currently a student finishing an English degree at SFU. My interests include writing (articles, creative non-fiction and poetry), motion poetry/writing, web development, multimedia/new media, researching random things, technology, musing about existence in general,  the forest, nature,  dolphins and horses.  “Friends” are currently, more or less abstractions.

Sincerely,

Jennifer

Unspoken Distance

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I’m an adult now. No longer a child. I am about to start my final year of university (undergrad). Why then, does everything seems so far away? Why does it seems that everything is so far out, so far in the distance? Why does it seem like it’s impossible to get there?

Distance. That kind be a description between me and the world. I keep my distance from other people. They don’t exist. Not really, as far as I’m concerned – they’re not interactive objects.

I’m used to this.  As a child, I would escape the chaos of the main room of the after-school centre  by staying in the “quiet room”, reading. Or quietly drawing, making up stories and generally looking busy so no one would bother me. I kept my distance from the other children. I don’t remember why but I always kept my distance or at least I have for a long time.

Like an wild animal (or a not so wild animal, as the case may be) I flee at the sound, sight, feeling of approach, vowing to keep my distance. Keep away. Keep a watchful eye.  But above all,  keep away.

“Are you okay?”

Yes. No. I don’t know. I am wild, untamed. Darting away into the distance, where I feel safe and far away from people I don’t know or am not close to.  I am distant to most people, always keeping my distance and never really present. I guess can’t blame them for not knowing me, since I’ve never really showed them me (other than the deer-in-the-headlights side of me). I’ve always kept my distance because that’s what feels safe.

But the distance between me and everyone else has widened. So has the distance between me and my dreams. Everything feels so far, unreachable.

I don’t know how I’m going to cross the endless distance between me and society, or if I’ll ever. Everything feels so far away, close to enough to imagine but impossible to touch.

I don’t know if I’ll ever reach my dreams, shimmering out there light-years away.  Stars are huge, just like dreams. But here, grounded on earth, so far away they appear as tiny little specks, flickering in the atmosphere.  The actual star may not even be there anymore, but the light lingers for years to come, highlighting the distance between us and the stars. Because even given enough distance, even travelling at the speed of light seems slow.

Given enough distance, everyone is faraway, impossible to interact with – even though they are just footsteps away. But I cannot say a word. The distance – literal and figurative stretches on. We’re too far off in different worlds, too distant to interact. I’m too distant to belong, because even though people may be just around me – they might as well be on the moon as far as I’m concerned.

I wander in the close distance, unspeaking but not wordless. Far. Too far, to say a word. We might as well be from different galaxies.

What I Hate About Society

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I hate people. Sort of.  Not really. But sort of.  Also, I don’t hate all people, just people in general as a group.

  • Greetings (awkward)
  • Etiquette and manners (awkward)
  • Greed (I think the species is powered on it. Face it. We all are.)
  • Hypocrisy (not doing what they claim to believe in/contraindication)
  • Obsession with money clouding what’s important (oh well, it doesn’t matter if it destroys all that if it makes a lot of money…I mean we’re probably eventually wipe ourselves off the planet if we all keep doing that, but hey we made a lot of money!)
  • Lies (unless they are so ludicrous and blatant that they are hilarious)
  • Fake laughter and smiles (I can see you’re faking it. Stop it! It’s not “nice” either.)
  • Fixation on shallow things (reality shows, video games etc)
  • Obsessing on the current health “recommendation/warning” of the day (that is later proved false and probably had questionable validity to begin with or for sure we’ll be laughing our socks off in twenty years and future generations will be rolling around laughing  in a century from now…)
  • The assumption that humans are the greatest species to grace this universe. Ever. Seriously, the species superiority of humans is outstanding.  (Animals? We’re not animals, we’re people! As if people are some sort of category completely independent from all other living organisms.)
I also hate people. Such as these types:
  • People with no sense of humour
  • People with no sense of sarcasm
  • People with no sense of logical reason (unless again, it is so ludicrous that it is hilarious then I like it because it’s funny)
  • People who are obsessed with manners, greetings and other social norms
  • People who are obsessed with “cleanliness”  (like dirt…I mean really? Please.)
  • People who keep trying to greet me even though it’s clear that I’m having none of that
  • People who are overly strict
  • People who assume I’m a dictionary (or even a thesaurus sometimes!) because I’m an English major even though I somehow manage to suck at spelling
  • People who are evil. Duh.