Leaning into the Void

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This is it.

I’m heading towards the end of my academic career. (I don’t really have  the grades for grad school and if I did do it, it’ll probably something not so practical…like creative writing). But I don’t know what’s at the end.

I’m heading towards the void.
I’m leaning into the void.
I’m falling into the void.

When I Grow Up, I Want to Be a Hermit!

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Or at least that’s what I thought when I first discovered the word “hermit” as a child.

That was before I discovered the wonders of the internet and email.

Now I don’t know. I still live a very isolated life but it isn’t like I don’t like lengthy conversations about whatever is interesting because I do.  But I hate the little things – I hate introductions, I hate greetings, I hate manners and I really hate fake politeness.  I can tell when you are faking it. Please stop – it’s driving me insane.

In elementary school I never really had any “normal” friends within my peer group and outside my “special” class. In high school, I never made any new friends period.

I’ve haven’t made a friend since I was in grade 5 or so. I haven’t had a close friend since maybe early high school (grade 9 or 10). I do occasionally see a friend from my elementary school days, but I really feel that we have drifted far apart since.

I’m not even sure what friends are anymore and I laugh when people assume I have friends (plural). It seems like a ludicrous idea to me now. It’s even funnier if they think I have friends within my peer group. I know people often take friends for granted, but I’m so isolated from even the notion of “friends” that I’m not even sure what they are anymore. Most of the things I know about friends is from fiction. Likewise, I hate the message of “friendship is the best thing” yadda yadda yadda. It’s not. I don’t have friends so shut up about that.

I still joke about being a hermit – maybe in some shack in the middle of the woods with my pony. But I probably won’t be a hermit.

I’m just not quite sure what I would be…

 

The Lonely Cloud

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That lonely cloud
floats listlessly in the sky
alone
with no one else
like him

Floating without direction
no reason or place
alone
with no one that
seems to really care

He doesn’t search for
more clouds though they may be
alone
because he knows he’s
not like them

Other clouds may crowd the sky
overcasting it, but our cloud still feels
alone
lost amongst the crowd which he has
no connection to

It’s hard to say if he’s lonely or not
since he has gotten used to floating
alone
but it would be hard to say that
he’s truly happy too

So he floats along
past the dancing daffodils,
laughing, golden in their bliss
past the road winding its way
to the unreachable horizon
past the forests and the seas,
where everything has their place

Finally, he drifts
around  the lonely earth, spinning in space,
for all her neighbourly planets
are unlike her

Just a quick poem for fun. I will be writing a fuller post soon.

People Watching

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Some may say I am not interested in people in general. Sort of true, but not really.

I am not interested in the following

  1. Greeting people
  2. Introducing myself
  3. Talking to strangers about random things that don’t matter
  4. Sugarcoating things
  5. “Being nice” purely for the sake of “being nice”
  6. Remembering and engaging in “manners”
  7. Answering greetings
  8. Having people look at me
  9. Looking people in the eye (besides for most animals it’s a threat)
  10. Interacting with strangers unless I’m on a mission
  11. Getting confused in social situations (it doesn’t have to take much for it all to go south as far as I’m concerned…)
  12. Engaging in social norms

Um, yeah so I’m not interested in interacting with people. But studying them can be interesting. What they say. What they do. And how my life is decidedly bland but that’s okay because socializing is a waste of time anyway (or so I think).

When I watch people or eavesdrop on them, I think of them as either characters and definitely a separate sort of being then me.  They are animals. I hate it when people go “oh we’re not animals”. Yes you are. Unless you are a plant or something, you are probably an animal.  Pick up your stupid homo-sapien ego and put the damn thing away. Until you either a) become some sort of bionic creature and/or b) ascend to energy based existence, you are indeed an animal. So suck it up.

The people chat idly, talking about this or that. But they are in a different existence than me.

When I was at school, I saw groups of friends sitting together – talking, laughing. Bonded.  Even at the barn I would witness this. The easy-going friendship and bond that people have with each other. I never understood how this worked or happened though. How everyone around me would bond with each other while look on, alone. I’m not even sure how this begins. It’s a realm almost unfathomable to me – foreign and unknown. I know about that world. From people watching. Books. Documentaries. TV. Movies.  The Internet (forums, blogs, social media). But that’s all I know.

I haven’t made a new friend since I was eleven years old.  But I’m okay with that now. I barely remembered what close friends were like. I laugh when people assume that I have friends. Yes, plural and probably presumably close.  But I don’t. Maybe I have a distant friend or two but otherwise, no. But I’ve never really socialized with peers that much.  Why would I? They never understood me. Ever. I never really understood them. Ever.

It’s easy to say if I talked to them, then maybe I’ll have friends. Not so fast – I talked to peers when I was a young child. However the only conversation I seemed to remember in detail went something like this:

Note: I had a weird haircut which was really short but with a long “tail” at the back during that year

Girl: Oh so you’re a girl!
Me: Yeah.
Girl: Oh I couldn’t tell with you hair.
Me thinking…you could have asked me?

So yes, I interacted but no, I didn’t have have friends. I think they all thought I was too weird or something. Whatever it wasn’t it didn’t jive and still doesn’t jive with me.

But people watching is way more interesting then interacting anyway – or at least, it’s easier.  And it’s interesting…enough that I once missed my bus stop because I was too busy eavesdropping!

But that’s the only “real” way I know about people. I don’t interact with them enough to know stuff. Besides, most of the stuff I know about friendships and relationships are from fiction anyway.

Finding Home

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I want to go home. I want to a place where I belong.  I’m tired of being stuck in a place where I don’t belong. I’m tired of pushing against the currents of normalcy. I’m tired of lagging behind in just about everything (or so it feels). I’m tired of not knowing…about anything.

But I am lost.  I turn around to face nothing but shadows and silence.  Except for breaths – my own breaths, the only indication that tells me that I’m still alive.  Well, or at least I think I am. I look around to find nothing.  Where is home?  What is home anyway?  Did it ever exist?  Did it once exist but slowly disappeared?

Logically, of course, I have a home (not that I’m remotely close to living on my own).  But can any safe, quiet place with a computer (and maybe a bed) be my home as long as its familiar? Do I even really have a home? A place where I feel like I belong? A place to settle, to be “the place” of what I am to be?