So, I have done nothing…

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Haha. I haven’t written here in over a month.

Why? Because I was madly busy of course. Well, actually not of course. It feels like I have simply done nothing over these past couple of weeks.

Each day just ebbs and flows one day to another, with little distinction. Sundays and Wednesdays are the only days with any distinction. But those are the only two days of a seven day week. The rest goes by in a cloud of stagnancy (one of the many words that I cannot seem to say but can totally write about).

Nothing ever seems to quite happen. People only answer emails initially and when it comes to the “action phase”, it seems to kind of unravel…and they simply do not answer.

So alright, I need a life that consists of more than leaping from Sunday to Wednesday and Wednesday to Sunday…  Sunday, I ride and Wednesday,  at least I do something (okay, often with horses too).

The job thing doesn’t seem to going wildly well at the moment and seems more long term. I feel like I’m unqualified for everything! Even an unpaid internship would do at this point… Ugh!

I can’t get to my current barn via transit without walking like 2km on mostly country road. I currently can’t seem to make connections at barns that are transit accessible (there are a few that are transit accessible – barns in Southlands, North Van and the one barn/club in Burnaby plus a couple in Delta and possibly Richmond) – to work (paid or work exchange…trying to contribute to the horse habit fund) or volunteer (hang out with horses). It doesn’t help that I’m not terribly qualified (yes, I like horses. No, I’m not great with horses…I haven’t even figured out how really lunge) or efficient either. On the plus side, barn stuff tends to require not a ton of social skills usually (unless someone else is using and/or has stolen your wheelbarrow and/or fork…).  So yes, I have a wildly expensive hobby. I can’t seem to find a way to fund said expensive hobby. At one point I need work off a portion of my lessons but my coach has changed her focus and no longer boards horses (and teaches one day per week).

Specialisterne did not hire me and since then, the going has be slow. Oh so slow.

So I’m stuck. And I’m not sure if I’m good at anything. I wouldn’t say everything has grounded to a halt but it has come close to that!

I still have no real excuse to say why I haven’t written anything. Perhaps of falling into the lull of a seemingly never-ending vacation but not in a good way.

Onto the great new era

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But is it?
That’s the thing. I don’t know.

Slowly, the wheels of the world are starting to turn. Around me, things are starting to change.  It’s now 2014. It’s now the Year of the Horse in the lunar calendar. Does that mean anything? (Better not be death horse either….since despite my terrible Asianness ).

But I don’t know that is good. I don’t know if it’s bad. I don’t know if it’s the beginning. I don’t know if it’s the ending. Still drifting in the endless pit of uncertainty where sometimes, everything is possible and sometimes everything is impossible.

I took  a step in the right direction this week but I’m  still not sure if it will lead to anything. I’m sort of doubtful it’ll lead to anything. I spent months doing nothing. I’m not qualified for anything, unexperienced, untalented and stagnating.  I am increasingly listless in the languid times of each day flowing into the next, without distinction.

I hope. I hope that maybe it’ll be this year that I’ll do something more with horses. That I’ll learn more. That I’ll ride more. That I’ll advance more. But instead I am empty. Czar is now pretty much retired and I’ve been thrust into a riding school/therapy barn with bizarre rules (ok, ONE bizarre rule that drives me insane). I had hope that I’ll do something with a horse rescue or something and somehow learn more about groundwork and horse care. But I don’t know about that. I’m not sure if it’ll happen.

At the same time, I feel like nothing is closer to where I want. Side-stepping, circling. Moving? Maybe. Changes at least. Forward movement? I don’t know.

For me to go into the next step –  ride more, perhaps part-lease, I need a job. Of course that doesn’t seem to be happening at all. It’s better than it was in say, September, when I was basically deemed unemployable by the provincial work program.

And I don’t feel very employable. I’m mildly good at many things but not enough to be employable, profitable.

Just ugh! Each day flows with little distinction. I’m not quite sure if I’m living or just repeating the motions of same days over and over again.

I probably have more to write about this.

Beyond the blinds

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It is languid in the last remaining whiffs of summer, free from the annual ritual of buying books and preparing for another semester of study. But I’m not languid. I feel stuck. stuck behind these binding blinds and stuck behind all the walls that hold me in.

Already I had someone from an employment centre give up on me because I have the social skills of a rock.

This wasn’t the plan. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. I was supposed to learn things, then get a job and then at least ride a horse with a bit more talent for low level dressage a few times per week . I would like to own a horse one day but I don’t think it’s going to happen while living in city.

I now want to be closer to horses, to feel their firm neck against me while I cry. Or just rake out the manure and shavings, at least you don’t really need to interact with people until someone starts fighting for the wheelbarrow.  But I’m in the city and my current situation doesn’t allow for me to work at the barn (lack of transportation, I don’t live close by, the barn is kind of obsessed with cleanliness and I don’t like blowers and my trainer no longer boards horses).

We are not getting younger. I’ll be 24 soon. “My” horse Czar is 26 and though is still sound, is getting arthritic. We are not getting younger. But I don’t seem to be moving anywhere either.

I feared that this will happen, that September will roll around and I’ll have nothing to do.
It did.

I feel like I’m going nowhere, stuck behind the blinds. The world outside is frightful, unknown. I don’t know where I’m going anymore. And I feel stuck, wedged in between the binds that hold me in.

Going nowhere.  Everything feels hopeless at the moment. And I’m not ready.

Can Hermit be an option?

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I have been told to seek volunteer opportunities. So I did. All I found was that the volunteer listings either wanted “strong interpersonal skills” and/or experience. None of which I have.

There is a gulf between me and my peers. As I got older, it got wider and wider and filled with water.  I have not made friends since I was around 10 years old. I have not had close peer-type friends since I was in my early teens.

It’s come to a point in which I just live within myself. My only external joys are horses and perhaps nature. The human world, the social world is completely foreign to me. I have never “hung out” with a group of friends. I’ve never had a group of friends. I don’t particularly need or want a group of friends.

I wish I could say my family is better but it is not. Basically everything I love, they hate and vice versa. I’m as detached to my community as can be…basically, I’m looking for some way out! I have decided I don’t really like the city. I’m a horse freak and I much prefer the woods and fields. I hate mall shopping and I just don’t really do “city things”.

But everyone seems to want social skills. I don’t really have social skills. (I hate going to restaurants too because of the interacting with the person thing!). I kind of want to crawl in a hole and be a hermit! Or even better – be some sort of one person nomadic pony tribe! Are there any hermits with horses?

Ugh!

So unpopular, people need be paid to virtually chat with me too?

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I don’t have friends.  Now apparently, I can’t email someone either and get fast replies unless they are paid to do so.  According to the person arranging a possible new worker, anyway.  Because I’m that unpopular and almost no one will ever spend time with me unless the are paid or have time to spend with me with regularity. As if I wasn’t rejected enough.

If it’s something functional or for scheduling, I NEED a reply right away as I need to plan out my day…week…whatever. Or at least I like to. I need this information, to ease the uncertainty, to make something uncertain certain. Thus, all functional/schedule based emails need to be answered right away or get edgy awaiting them as then I won’t know what’s going on. I become disorientated, uncertain in my crumbling framework of possibility, unsure what is going on next. (My mom doesn’t help these matters either, constantly asking if something is confirmed).

With some exceptions, people only ever hang out with me if they are getting paid. Yes, I apparently I need to pay people to be my friends. I’m just that unpopular. However, I found a way around that a bit – emails! I’m very good in written communications so email  etc is perfect for me. But I don’t get many emails back so I LOVE it when I get replies.

The rest…it can wait, but I LOVE it when reply reply fast. It makes me feel more connected, less of a non-friend. It makes feel that somebody cares. That somebody cared enough to reply back. It makes me smile. I love it. For once, I’m not the only one. I write things to Solitude again and again, but he will never reply. Nor will Fear or Loneliness or Uncertainty or Happiness or any of their friends. Personified entities are great to write for and with but they suck at replying. They also suck for chatting/texting etc.

But the idea that people need to be paid to answer my emails or chat to me online makes me feel even more unwanted. It’s already bad enough that I can’t seem to get anyone to hang out with me without paying them. Apparently, I’m so unpopular that soon people will be charging to answer my texts, emails and online chat. Would it be a nickel for your thoughts, now that the penny is dead? (Yes, and the text costs twenty cents – well,  media theorist Marshall McLuhan did say that the “medium is the message”…not the content). People email, text and social media their friends all the time, I’m sure…oh right, I can’t have friends, that’s not a service I get. Not a service that I’ll ever get it seems.

I don’t get what’s wrong with that. I get that I am annoying. But I don’t get what’s wrong with that, really…having a stupid primitive desire for feedback, validation and comments. Oh I’m annoyed that I have that desire too.  And sometimes, I have looking for feedback. That’s why I’m an English major (I get feedback on my essays and am annoyed when I don’t get it…even when I get a A-) and why English flat classes and hunters at horse shows seem pointless – they are judged competitions but they don’t give feedback per se.

But I like instantaneous communication. If only, I had people to practice it with…

I blame the stupid book that I never finished, House Rules for that realization. In it, the character is made fun of with peers claiming that his social skills tutor is paid to hang out with him (turns out she isn’t)…I kind of got fed up with the book and I never finished it. But I bet the author had no idea how hurtful that sentence was for a person in which that is basically the case. That’s when I realized, that yes, people generally need to be paid to hang out with me with any regularity. There are exceptions and people have hung out with me outside those parameters (especially later on)  but that’s fairly generally true.

And it’s depressing.  But wow, it’s true. I have no real friends.

I tend to use workers as friend analogues, since being paid to hang out with me is the closest I’m ever going to get. Sometimes, it actually does work…many people still have email/online contact with me (yes, they have replied) and I’ve even hanged out with some of them in person even after they have finished working with me…without being paid! It almost always happens, actually (some more than others). So I don’t know why it seems to be so hard to get anyone to work with em or hang out with me or do anything with me….well, other than that I have the social skills of a pet rock that can hide. A sarcastic pet rock. A snarky, annoying, demanding pet rock. Some people don’t get the snarky humour and hate it.  Whatever.

I’m so alone. My family doesn’t get me and they don’t like any of the things I like.  Horses won’t befriend me as I’m not a horse or a horse whisperer (and I’m not there enough or their sole and/or primary rider). I don’t have friends. I can’t have friends.  Not real ones anyway. I’ll just have imaginary ones and that way, there would never be a disagreement ever.  I’m not sure if I’ll ever have friends. In a way, life seems easier without them. I may never have close friends. I may will never have a BFF. Not now, possibly not ever. Besides I have lots of hobbies to do on my own.  Still, the feeling of being rejected by the world floods into these dark, lonely spaces.

I haven’t met a friend since elementary school (and much of the time they were younger than me…or I hung out with adults). I haven’t had close friends since early high school. Even when was hanging out at the barn helping day camps one summer, I never really befriended the other two younger girls (they 12, I was 16). Sure, they let me hung out with them. That was about it. It was cool, I suppose – it was the closest I had for friends in years, people to hang out with. But that’s it…I knew those two were closer to each other and everyone else than me. I was the third wheel, the person that was there just because I happened to be around. That didn’t last too long though – I more or less got “laid off” since they only wanted 2 helpers per week and I was not it. I was so not it. Even if it wasn’t because I sucked, it was because that others had other people they would rather hang out with.  Because  I was out of place again – they were all younger than me, richer than me and better at horses and riding than me (I had other issues with riding at the time but that’s still how I felt).

I don’t make friends. It doesn’t work for me. Or at least it hasn’t.

So I try for friend analogues. I may not be their “real”  “friend” (both words are disputable as far as meaning is concerned) but they can perform some of the functions of one. Emailing makes it feel less like I’m some sort of job for them and more like a person. If they don’t like it, then too bad. Others seem to manage fine. Sort of. Maybe not. Who knows. They don’t HAVE to reply unless it’s a functional email (scheduling, planning, need to get information). Information by definition is a way to decrease uncertainty according to some thinkers. That works for me. It’s not the same as knowledge, that is different.

Right now, my best friend is Solitude.  I wish I could replace that with some sort of equine (even though Solitude will always be my BFF in some way). But it’s so not happening now…

On the Edge of the Unknown

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I couldn’t find an appropriate photo for this post (and don’t have enough inspiration to take one at the moment).

But yeah, I may have been more annoying than usual. I will admit that.

Lately, I’ve been edgy, impatient, more anxious then usual. I have a desire for instantaneous answers. As if I’m trying to secure some sort of certainty, trying desperately to tie peices of what I know to the trees with the prospecting hurricane of change.

This is me on the edge of the unknown. Filled with uncertainty, it feels like the end, even though people may assure me it’s a new beginning (although they actually haven’t thus far). I’m not sure. I don’t like change and someone has unleashed a hurricane on me. Oh I knew it was coming but didn’t think it’ll come this fast. I’m not longer quite sure who I am or what I’m good at or what I want. Everything feels impossible and so far away. As for me, I feel incapable and unwanted.

I feel so out of touch with everything and everyone. Most of my family seem to be on a planet far from my own. They don’t understand me or what I do or what I want to do. I feel so disconnected to them yet reliant. It’s not a good combo. I don’t really have friends. I have made zero friends in high school (maybe some loose acquaintances through) and I have certainly made zero friends in post secondary. While people talk about  the great social lives of high school and college/university, it can also be extremely isolating for someone with little to no social skills. I had more of a social life in elementary school.  By high school, my social life had died.  Now, I’m used to it being dead as I can’t imagine it any other way. If it’s activities where you make friends – well, I failed at that too (although I guess I made some loose acquaintances). Keep in mind that my loose acquaintance is very, very, very loose. It’s someone that I’ll know and the person will know me and I may exchange a few words (possibly a conversation but not required) but that it is. It is very, very, very loose, superficial but it’s at least a step up from pure alienation (I don’t know you and you don’t know me and we’ll all just ignore each other) which pretty much sums up my undergrad career.

I’m not sure about the horse thing, having attempting a sport that is way out of my league and class although maybe I just need to get a different side of it. It’s certainly not about the ribbons (I way prefer to ride more than show right now). There has been many disappointments in the realm, but I still love the feel of the horse underneath me (not on top, though I’ve been there too – avoid if possible) and the reaction when I find the “funny button” like a scratchy spot on the wither or wiggle of the muzzle (I’m not describing that well but it was so much fun) and the furry muzzles under my fingers (and on my face…yes, some bite…yes I generally know when they are going to bite). I’ve mostly given up big fantasies of showing, at least so I’ve gotten a little closer to earth in that way. I know I’ll never be an amazing rider or horse whisperer and my delusions of doing seem so mind-bogglingly naive .

I’m not naive anymore. I don’t want dreams to come crashing down again  or the flicker to gently peter out to the point that I shouldn’t care anymore (it doesn’t mean I don’t though). I had enough of that. The world is now a cynic’s world. The idealism of the future  – not just for me but the world as well has now faded.

But I don’t know how much longer it would be before everything will begin to unravel. When it would be clear that some things are dreams for another lifetime just like my family have hinted.  When everything falls apart, collapsing into a rubble of unfulfillable dreams.

Everything is spinning around, each piece of the wheel is threatening to break.

I’m at the edge of the unknown and I want to scream and cry and disappear (perhaps a wormhole will come…). There is too much happening. I want answers. I want a inkling of the known. I am lost and confused. I am also freaking out.

I don’t know where I am. I am wandering the deserted, dead landscape alone. I watch childhood innocence and idealistic dreams begin to smoke, desperately hoping it won’t alight. But the world is dark, cold. Everything is on the horizon. This is the event horizon. There is no going back. The days childhood have long past, even though I still essentially live like a teenager (that doesn’t mean I want to though but I don’t know any other way  and I can’t deal with it now with so many other unknown factors at the moment). But the bubble between youth and adulthood is about to be broken.

Somebody, please find me and take me back to the known. Or at least take me by the hand through the unknown.

I am terrified. (And edgy, anxious and about to freak out sooner than usual).

The Void

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The void is overbearing, looming ahead of me. I don’t know what to do. It is ever-approaching and I feel utterly unprepared for what is to come ahead. Whatever it is.

I started my last semester this week. It’s a mixture of relief – the ending of the draining, droning rhythm of school. You go to lecture. You read. You listen. You study. You write. Then you wonder about your grade.  And of course, leaping from one panicked deadline to another. But all and all, it’s familiar.  That fact, for the moment is the most important. Stagnancy is easy to come by because it’s hidden under the guise of familiarity.

But I don’t know what’s going to happen now. Everything I knew, is poised to fall apart, unravel from the frayed ends. I’m not completely sure what’s going to happen with the horse thing which is unrelated, but still falls within the same time period. The period of upheaval  disorientation and panic. Everything wants to unravel, sinking deep into the void of the unknown.

Graduating university is supposed to be good. It’s supposed to be the start of freedom. Somehow, you’re supposed to come out with friends from the education process but I have never been able to do that. Not even close. It’s supposed to be a time when you’re reaching your next step, going onto bigger and better things.

But it’s not. I feel trapped, desperately banging on the walls of the life, the world that I don’t feel that I belong. While I was always alone, now I’m really alone, with no one able to offer me any sort of knowledge of the future. I don’t have friends to chat with. I don’t know anyone who understands. No one seems to want to work with me. I seem to have direction, but no way to get there. Increasingly, I’m not sure if I’ll ever get there.

How do you know if you’re hovering or simply falling at a steady rate but never hitting the ground? How do you know you’re riding the currents or near the cusp of drowning? How do you if this is the end or the beginning? How do you know where you’re headed if all you can see is absolutely nothing?

I don’t know what’s in the void, for the good or bad. But all I know that’s incredibly dark here. And there’s no one but me. Nothing to show me the way and little to cling to.

I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know what to do in a place made for a species that I do not feel quite truly part of.

And I am terrified.

Some days, the world is so far away

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There are some days that I feel that I can do everything. Some days, that the world is just at my finger tips, waiting for me. Some days, I feel that I am good at something or things.

Some days I feel talented, as if I had a future. Some days I feel like all my dreams will come true – horse and all.

But other days, most days this is not the case. Some days, the world is so far away. Utterly unreachable, as I crawl along the depths, clinging to things – leech-like. Some days I feel like I’m good at nothing and the world with people is more than I could bare or function.

Leaning into the Void

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This is it.

I’m heading towards the end of my academic career. (I don’t really have  the grades for grad school and if I did do it, it’ll probably something not so practical…like creative writing). But I don’t know what’s at the end.

I’m heading towards the void.
I’m leaning into the void.
I’m falling into the void.