Wanderer, Not Traveller

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Yeah, I haven’t posted for a bit…a bit occupied with an article and lots of things going on my head.

Everytime I google something about wandering – for some reason, something about travelling pops up. Now, I’m not a traveller. I don’t even have a passport right now and I haven’t been out of my hometown since…since…since…a long time. I don’t remember. But I wander. A lot.

I’m a wanderer, yes. But I’m thus far, not a traveller. I never go anywhere in anything. Whatever I do, it seems that I stay in the same place. Doing the same thing. Being in the same place. Always the same place. I don’t like being lost. I like the familiar.

But familiarity breeds frustration. I can’t say I like staying here either.

Not moving. Not coming. Not going. Everything looks the same from here.

Oh yes, I travel – even if I wander around in the same place. I travel in my mind. Still going nowhere – not really.

In my life now, I’m not a traveller.

I never go anywhere or see anything novel. Everything looks the same. Feels the same.  Sounds the same. I’ve haven’t been out of the lower mainland for years – although I have managed to venture into the forest a few times (not with my family, of course – they are boring). Every day almost feels like the last. I feel like I do not progress in anything, except maybe school. I’m stuck scraping against walls.

Yet I’m a wanderer. I often wander around. Walking aimlessly. Dashing randomly. And most of all, ignoring everyone else and everything around me. Oh sometimes I watch the trees, the crows and the clouds – but I’m so often lost in myself. I of course go nowhere, just pacing around. But I think of things, far beyond my boring life.

I still don’t really understand why people don’t like it. I’m not really here. I’m okay, but I’m not here right now. My head is somewhere else (it was enough for a student to attempt to guide me to class when I did it just before my class a few years ago).  Maybe it’s an “all or nothing” thing – you’re either “all there” or you’re creepy? Then I run away and hide from people. Don’t get me started on people who are intent on getting a response from me. Why bother? I’m clearly not interested. Anyway…and why does everyone think I’m lost??! I am lost. Sort of. In an existential way. But I know where I literally am.

Even while wandering, I always stay in the immediate space. I don’t really go anywhere (although my mom seems to be unable to find me but anyway…). So I’m a wanderer – yet, I really don’t go anywhere, even while wandering off….

I’m a wanderer, not a traveller. And the wanderlust is not for travelling because I never go anywhere. It’s for wandering.

Oh and although I’m a massive introvert, I don’t mind being in public places as long as there is room to wander around – and then I tune everyone out and wander into my own little mind. Oh well, maybe that’s why it’s okay then. I’m not interacting with them – they’re just objects to me to avoid. If there is not enough room then…well then, I would like out…now!

So I wander but never go anywhere. Always back and forth or around in circles. Maybe that creeps people out too….

Freeforming and Freeroaming

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I am a wander, wandering
alone, back and forth
around, to and fro
oblivious to this world,
lost in my own
thoughts, dreams and things
that escape this reality

But people don’t like this
think it’s odd
think it’s strange
think it’s weird

People don’t like things that are
but not wrong, just unright
and instead –
freeforming and freeroaming

“Are you okay?”
“Are you alright?”
“Are you lost?”

I am okay
I am alright
I am still here
and I will wander about
under the trees where
I walk, bolt, prance
out of this world and into my own
where everything is better than fine

(Though I really wish you
annoying people weren’t here
and that you don’t bug me
and if you would please kindly
consider shutting the hell up
and getting yourself far away
instead of trying to elicit
a reaction from me)

Inspired by last evening’s wander. (“Are you okay?” Giggles. “I don’t get it, she just walks around…”). Sigh. Some days, I’m not sure how much longer I can stand living here. Ugh. And yeah,  I may have made up a word in this poem…sort of but not really.  Freeform is a word, it’s just that maybe freeforming isn’t? (According to dictionary.com) Anyway, I like it so I’m using it.

Untrusting Prey

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I am a prey animal. I fully admit it. I’m always high on alert for possible danger and feel like I’m ready to hightail it if things get iffy. I do not want to be approached. I perceive being approached as a threat, and so I flee.

Only it doesn’t work. I’m not fast enough. Not agile enough. Not strong enough. And I know this.

So I desperately hope that no one will be prey on me.

A strange thing happened today. People tease me, that’s nothing new. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened often but it has happened. So I was wandering around and from quite away back were a group of guys that I stayed carefully far away from.  Then a big guy yelled “excuse me!” to get my attention. I looked back briefly and nervously. He started following me as I watched my back. I didn’t trust him. I didn’t know what he’ll do. Then he lifted up his shirt and started shaking his floppy belly. I fled, even though I know he could catch me if he wanted to. I fled. Then I went WTF?

I don’t trust people. I don’t particularly like people.

I don’t know how my grandma thinks lecturing me on not answering doors or phones (which I refuse to do anyway) and the bad people on the world will help me like people any more. It’s sort of hypocritical – expecting me to both trust and not trust strangers.  I don’t know how this lecture helps me. It only makes my I guess social phobia, even worse.  It gives me even more reasons not to interact with the world and hate people (as a species).

I am directly untrusting. And perhaps indirectly trusting at the same time. I know it’s weird.

But I am definitely a prey creature. Small, nimble, skittish. I would be the one to hide in the woods, if there was a wood. It’s not just humans. I’m wary of dogs running towards me. And no, I don’t like horses charging towards me either (not that they ever do, since they rarely come to me).

All I can say, I do hope that the teasing thing will stay an isolated incident.  I also think I need to find more normal hobby eventually (maybe hiking and/or trail running) because I’m getting sick of all the weird looks and increasingly uncomfortable with some of the people who want to pick on me or get my attention as I wander around the block.

Maybe this why I love trails. It’s usually relatively quiet, it can go on for quite a ways, no one thinks you’re weird or lost when you wandering or running alone them and when you get tired, you can look up around you and be in awe of the environment around you.  Also, since it goes somewhere, it’s less boring. Not to mention, it doesn’t have the city hazards and annoyances of busy streets, trashy smells and such. Also, it seems the only way I can get a decent sleep at a decent time is by doing a long hike….otherwise not so much.

I love the forest. I love the smell of it too. (I also wondered if pine sap was edible..since I seemed to be attracted to the smell, I would end up with sticky hands afterwards. It might be…since I’m sure I licked a bit off my hand and I’m still alive. Dumb, I know but the tree was on school property so…). I love the sound of the forest if only all the annoying machinery and shrieking children would all just shut up.

Whatever the case, I’m much more prey then predator.  Maybe that’s why I suck so much at catching horses that don’t want to be caught.